Featured

I see a pattern

You know what is ridiculous? People who are too afraid of their own feelings that they either ghost people, ignore a direct question, make up some sorry ass excuse, lie, or do not care who they hurt. Why is it difficult for an adult to be upfront, honest, or open with another adult? Seriously?? When did adults start acting childish? I know we all have our moments, but jeez, at some point you begin to wonder what in the actual fuck? Especially when it seems to be a pattern from several different directions.

We all know the truth hurts, but so does a lie. And newsflash…A LIE HURTS MORE WHEN THE TRUTH COMES OUT. Just saying…so how about growing a pair or pulling up the big girl panties, what ever you fancy and tell the fucking truth?

There is no need to point fingers on who did what or said what. Just own up to what you did and have the supposed “difficult” conversation. Again, people may hate what the truth is, but it is so much better than the lie that eventually unveils the truth. Tears might be shed, but oh fucking well. Guaranteed they will probably be shed with the lie or truth so big whoopy fucking do.

We get a cut, we put a Band-Aid on it, and guess what? It heals!! Oh my goodness!!! So do feelings!!! What a concept. Who would have thought!?! We pull up our big girl panties or grow a pair, maybe eat our favorite comfort food, and get over it.

To ghost someone, lie to them, make an excuse shows a person you never respected them in the first place, are afraid to face whatever challenges that might lie ahead, or that you may not be able to be honest with them at all. Or maybe it shows the lie’s told have been so tangled that one cannot remember what has already been used and what hasn’t. Chicken shit lies or ignoring someone shows true colors and makes a person a fucking dick with karma biting at the heels.

The truth is better than a lie. Everyone gets over things eventually. How do you feel when you are lied to?

Exactly my point…so why do it to someone else…fuckers.

Featured

This is me

Seriously, I have no idea why I do not wrap myself in bubble wrap and call it good. I am a walking accident. I am not even sure if that is the right word anymore.

Hello! I am Heather! Welcome to my blog. This blog is about my everyday life. I find it interesting, funny and well sometimes just like WTF did that really just happen? This shit cannot be made up!! Yes, I will use profanity, texting acronyms, maybe even an emoji here and there; so, I am warning you now if you get offended easily stop reading. I do not have much of a filter once I get going. I will do my best to advise on entries that need warning…no promises guaranteed.

As a mom of three I am always on the go. My life is busy. My son is 14, a freshman in high school, and is already talking about what college he wants to go to and when he is going to apply. Yay!!! I did something right! Lol. When I was a freshman I was counting down the days until I turned 18 and could move out! My son is very motivated and ambitious. I am extremely proud of him and the maturity he has shown lately. My 12-year-old daughter is an animal lover and dreams about becoming a veterinarian. If she could bring home every stray animal, she would. I love her caring character. My 8-year-old diva daughter is one animated character for sure. She is full of sass, keeps me on my toes and is super girly. She is currently attempting to grow her hair out like Rapunzel…oh my. Even though she is full of attitude she can make anyone smile.

I am a 911 dispatcher. Most of the time at work I am a black cloud. I like to think my cloud rains glitter just to keep it slightly happy…positive thoughts equal positivity…maybe? I love my job. I can honestly say that even on the worst darkest evilest day at work I still walk out of the building wanting to go back the next day. Even when I am sicker than sick I still would rather be at work than curled up on my couch or in bed. Maybe I am sick in the head? Eh oh well.

As if I do not already have enough on my plate. I felt I needed to add more to it, because why not. I decided to go back to school full time. Yay! Go me! I have dreams, goals, places and plans I want to see and fulfill. I want to show my children that you can reach your goals no matter your age. Age is just a number after all; when it comes to certain things.

My life is busy and crazy, but it is mine. I am living it the way I want to, not how everyone else wants me too. I changed way too many times for way too many people. Welcome to the crazy…remember you have been warned. 😊

Ugly

My heart probably stopped beating for second, I felt as though I was punched in the stomach, lost my breath, and I was drowning in my tears. I am my own worst enemy always. But then there are others who we think are supposed to be our best support system and often turn out to be even bigger enemies than ourselves. Words can be taken several different ways. Tone, whether the person thinks before they speak, and are the words being said because the person was actually paying attention or just speaking to act as though they were.

Ugly. Such a small word, but a powerful one. A word that can tear a person apart. This word was told to me, obviously it hurt, due to my reaction, which might have been overboard, but coming from the person it did, it truly shocked me. Maybe they did not intend it in the context I took it or maybe they did, but it still had an impact on me.

I like to read, but I am ugly. I take care of myself, but I am ugly. I am too thin, so I am ugly. I see purple, someone else might see blue, but I am ugly. I have curly hair, I am ugly. If my view point is different I am ugly. I am a picky eater, I am ugly. I am an open book, so I must be ugly. I stand up for myself, therefore I am ugly. The list could go on and on.

The way I see it is completely different. I like to read, because there are so many different things to read about. Knowledge is power. Maybe instead of ugly I am a nerd…

I take care of myself, because I decided I wanted to live a healthier life when I started to get sick and the doctors did not know what was wrong. By taking better care of myself it changed how I looked over all. Maybe instead of ugly, others are jealous.

Everyone has different viewpoints, sees things in different lights, but that does not mean we all have to be ugly to one another. We can still treat each other with respect.

Being jealous of someone or not liking the way somebody lives does not mean we should be judgmental or cruel, but yet we are. There are people who do not like others values or beliefs and take every opportunity to let them know. It is sad, but I have realized the biggest support system, are the sometimes the cruelest.

We have this idea that if we have hatred for ourselves, feel jealous of what someone might have that we do not, or disagree with another’s views on most anything that we can take out these feelings on others.

No no no…there are so many things wrong with that. But as a society we no longer care. There seems to be no consequences for wrong doing of anything kind. We just shrug our shoulders, turn our heads, and watch it continue to unfold. Now this, this makes us ugly…

just a weed

I am standing in the middle of a field surrounded by beautiful roses. Vibrant colors, full of life, radiant. Their perfume coming at me from every direction. I could feel their thorns prickling my tender skin leaving small scars. Looking around I see that I look different. My skin is softer. I do not shine bright. I feel weak and out of place. I am just a weed in a field of gorgeous roses.

Life is all around me. It is difficult to see above me, but I can see some blue-sky peeking through the forest of green leaves, red, pink, and yellow petals. As I begin to drown, I feel a horrendous pain. Maybe this is a rescue mission. The blue-sky is now completely surrounding me and the sunshine warms my tender bruised skin. Playful laughter feels the air. Relaxation takes over my injured body and I suddenly feel limp. I felt safe, I could breathe, and was no longer surrounded by too much pain. A big gust hit me.

The laughter drifted further away as pieces of me floated away. I fought to stay together, but I was not strong enough. I was no longer whole. Shattered into hundreds of pieces across the field. As I laid scatter on the soft soil, waves of mixed emotions took over. I was completely destroyed.

The sky grew dark and released its tears. I hugged the soil to stay warm. I did not like this feeling of being lost, confused, scared, and broken. Something had to change. The rain planted me. I started to grow. Roots took depth as I developed leaves and then a beautiful yellow flower.

Pieces of me were everywhere. Over time I was destroyed by thorns, darkness that hovered above me, and then ripped apart. But over time I was able to grow again. This time I grew stronger. I adapted to the environment that I knew was waiting for me. With thicker skin, deeper roots, and more of me I could be unstoppable.

I might be just a weed among a field full of beautiful roses, but their perfume, thorns and high maintenance has made me a strong powerful unstoppable weed who shines bright like the sun, because I am not afraid to grow in uncomfortable places.  

pants on fire

I need some type of shield, protection, weapon, something that gives me a signal when a douche bag is lying to me. I mean seriously!! I should know, or you would think I would. I can always tell when my children are lying to me, but when it comes to asshole fucktards it is like I have fallen down a flight of stairs and hit my head so hard it turned me stupid!!

I have a huge heart. I trust too easy. And because of this I get destroyed like cake shoved in someone’s face on their birthday. Food fight!!! Let’s see how much we can play … yeah, I say fuck that noise…

Ever notice how when a person lies to you somehow you get blamed? Like wtf? Like for real. And somehow those type of people that lay blame on everyone else are never to blame…but if you are observant, don’t fall for their bullshit, and see the toxicity you notice small truths start to surface. Then bigger ones. Soon you have this huge web full of tangled lies that they spun all because they cannot be honest and always have to point the finger in another direction. The best part is when they realize you know the truth.

Now you have the control. It is seriously a fucking game and we are adults…I do not understand nor will I never. Grow a fucking pair. Put your big girl panties on and just be honest. Is it really that difficult? They tell you your friendship will always be the same, nothing is ever going to change, they can’t lose you…word vomit…more lies…. because let’s get real they don’t know how to tell the truth and they never will. Everything is going to change. You will probably talk less, see them less, lose other friends, and the list just continues. It will be painful.

Watch me grow, watch me smile, watch me live my happy full life, while you sit there miserable with yours. The difference? I am not afraid to admit the truth about my life, my fuck ups. I know I walk on the cliffs edge at times. But I am not afraid to admit when I screw up, when I do something wrong, when my mood flat out sucks ass, or when I just need a moment. I have been hurt over and over, as well as hurt others. Does it suck? Of course. But I learned.

My lesson, I am a mother fucking rockstar, who is surrounded by family and friends. My circle is small which is perfect. I would be silly to say I have learned all that I am going to about lies and trust, but I know I haven’t, because I am too kind and still trust too easy. I have built my walls high with a moat full of predators to keep me safe from all the weak toxic waste that lurks in the shadows. Darkness may enter here and there at different points of our lives, but we decide whether we want to allow that darkness to control us or if we want to control it. Be the light that shines through.

batteries. a single girls bff

A couple of years ago I told a close friend of mine “if I ever tell you I want to be in a relationship again smack me.” I was not being serious or maybe at the time I was. I was full of all kinds of different emotions when we had this conversation. Who really wants to be single for the rest of their life, especially in their thirties? Apparently, me!! And by saying this, I feel like the world listened, because I feel cursed, jinxed, whatever you want to call it. And why? Oh, you know just to prove a fucking point…like haha eat your words Heather!!!

Here I am, almost 36, and single. My toys and I have become great friends, BFF’s. In fact, I should probably add batteries to my shopping list. I have always been very independent. I am completely okay with being single, but sometimes the thought crosses my mind of “shit what if I live until I am 90”. That’s a shit ton of time to be alone and not in a relationship. So yeah in reality it would be nice to have that person to be able to snuggle up with at the end of the day, lay next to in bed, enjoy “streaming and chill” evenings, and of course have more than just my “BFF”.

So here I sit, asking myself, “did I jinx myself”? Or maybe I am just so independent I scare grown men away? Or the dating scene has just changed so much I do not know how to play the game? But dating should not be a game…but on a lighter funnier note I think my “prince charming” is just fucking lost, trying to navigate his way to me, but like me; north, east, south, and west are confusing as all hell and he needs landmarks instead…just follow the trail of toys!!!

Someday my prince will….nah, I just need to replace my batteries sooner than later.

once upon a time…i was broken

It was our last night of freedom as we all called it. The last night of our childhood. This was it, this was the night before our whole world changed. Little did I know my world would never be the same after this.

I was 19. I knew what my future was going to look like. I had it all planned out. I was leaving home, joining the military, I was going to make a career, a life for myself. So, I thought. But this chapter of my life did not go as I had planned. The world had a different plan for me. A plan I struggled to understand for a long time.

My last night of “freedom” had never tasted so good. The jack and coke mix had me buzzing. I felt relaxed. This was a nice feeling, especially since my nerves were overloaded with all different emotions; excitement, scared, nervous, etc.

I remember a large group of us hanging out, being silly, laughter filling the air as we chitchatted amongst one another asking where we headed, what we were planning to do with our future careers in the military, but then the air changed. Soon the crowd was much smaller, and I was no longer outside…

It was dark. I could see some light shining in by the window. This light gave me enough to see that I was in a room, but not my room. I felt weak. I could not breathe. I saw someone in the next bed over as I felt my legs being spread apart. I looked up. There was a hooded figure above me. I tried to scream, but a pillow was placed on my head. The fear I felt in that moment melted the pain of him shoving himself into me away. When the pillow was lifted away, I could see again, but still could not see who this evil was. I glanced over to the bed next to where I was and made eye contact with whomever that heartless person was as more pain tore into me. Tears dampened my cheeks.

When there was more light filling the room a weight was lifted off me. The evil had gone, I did not care to look where, I just took my chance and left. I never looked behind me to see if I was being watched or followed. When I got to my room I immediately showered, and I just sat there and cried.

I continued on. I thought if I could just forget what happened I could survive. Live my life like it never happened. Besides who would believe me? But I was not strong enough. I was terrified. This chapter of my life was taken from me by this evil.

I was angry for a long time. How, why could God let anyone go through this? That was my thought. What did I do to deserve this? But when I grew stronger, I realized why. It was not because I deserved it, or because I was hated. It was because I was strong. I was strong enough to survive and because I survived, I am able to tell my story, to help others, and to live on.

I did not understand at the time why. I still do not sometimes understand the evil in this world, but I do know that I am strong. I know that I am a survivor, because I have survived a darkness. I have seen evil first hand, but I still find the strength to shine bright, to live on, and to love my journey. Even though some chapters have been scary, they help define who I am.

blessed

My oldest daughter was a life saver. I was going down a very dark path when I found out I was pregnant with her. I believe she was sent to me for a reason. If I had not gotten pregnant with her I do not know that I would be in the position that I am in today.

Today while she and I were driving we had a very interesting conversation. This conversation made me realize how blessed I am to have my children. They all have brought something special to my life and continue to do so every day.

The conversation my oldest daughter and I had today brought tears to my eyes. She told me what an amazing beautiful woman I am, that I need to take a step back and stop putting her and her siblings first, but not just them. Everyone. She said I put everyone first before myself. She said I need take care of myself, to put myself out there, and allow myself to find love again, because I deserve to be loved. I am not sure if she knew that I was crying, because I had sunglasses on, but now she does as I am sure she will read this. Her words warmed my heart as tears of joy filled my eyes.

This conversation hit me so uniquely. It touched me in a way that I do not think I was expecting it too, I really felt what she was saying, and for one of my kids to tell me “mom get out there, find someone to love you, because you deserve it” just wow.

Self-love is so important. I truly love myself and it took a long time to love who I am. But to have that person who loves you, that somebody else, that significant other that loves you is so much different than self-love. It is a love that you cannot give yourself. My daughter is right.

I have never been that person that ever needed to have that other person before, but over the last probably six months or so I have realized I want that love that I cannot give myself. I want to grow old with that someone that is going to love me for me, treat me right, be faithful, committed, and cherish me. Someone who will be proud to say this woman is mine and I am hers. I want that in my life. I want someone who is going to give me 110% like I will give to them. Someday.

I was driving when I was thinking about this post. The sun was setting. The sky was full of oranges, purples, and pinks. I am not sure what it is about Nevada skies, but wow they blow me away. They are stunning. So many emotions run through me when I watch them. They remind me that the world is still beautiful and peaceful even though there is chaos all around us. Life is like that. It has its chaotic moments but is still beautiful. I want to share my life with someone. I want to sit outside on nights like this, in the crisp fresh air, around the fire pit with someone special, with a glass of wine as the sun sets. I want that. I deserve that.

I have my daughter to thank for reminding me of that. Thank you.

rod filled flesh rocket

I often use my voice memos app on my phone if I am driving and I get an idea for my blog. The other day was beautiful outside, so I am driving with my sunroof open and windows down when I am recording ideas for this entry. I am sitting at a red light when another vehicle pulls up next to me with their windows down as well. I swear this was the longest light ever, but I enjoyed how much the female driver blushed as she obviously was listening to me. Enjoy!!!

The other night I was sitting around with family drinking margaritas, making tacos, and somehow, we started talking about sex changes, ball slapping sex, and strap ons.

Let’s back up to the beginning. Has everyone seen the meme with Bruce Jenner about calling him a Tranpa? (omg this makes me a horrible person, but oh well I am already going to hell) Okay, so now supposedly he is dating a female. So, we were trying to think about what that would be called, remember we were drinking, lol, and somehow this led to using vagina flesh to have sex changes possible.

Alright, so now, here we are, talking about sex changes out of vagina flesh, wondering how and the hell this new define penis gets hard…supposedly in the 80’s, not sure if this still happens, but you would insert a rod…ummmm….could you imagine your partner inserting a rod into your penis to make you hard? What if they got mad at you and decided to insert this rod all the way??? Ouch!!! Mother fucker would be calling 911 as your vajayjay penis is gushing blood. Or what if you decided to ride your partner a little too fast and hard and the rod went through and got you on the inside of your vajayjay?? Seriously, all I could see was the bad in this rod flesh rocket deal. I can not imagine this would be comfortable at all, but then again who knows.

At this point it might be safer to nix the change and just wear a strap on?? Idk. The thoughts were running wild at this point and they were ridiculous. We were laughing so hard I am sure my Apple watch pick it up as an exercise. Lmao.

So, I am assuming with the rod flesh rocket and the strap on there would be no ball slapping sex. People need some ball slapping sex in their lives sometimes. Right? Lol…of course while having this conversation I so made the sound with my hands…

Curiosity gets the best of people sometimes, add alcohol, a stressful week, and just some good old humor to the mix and the conversations can take an interesting twist. We were not even playing Cards Against Humanity to get this ball rolling. Guess we are just fucked up. Eh oh well. Loving life.

Life is a game board

Game boards have pieces, dices, and spaces you move. Life can be like a game board. You roll the dice every morning. You get to decide if you take steps forwards or backwards. Sometimes we do not always like what we see lying in front of us, so we decide to take the easy way and step backwards. Why do we do this to ourselves? We know there are speed bumps in life, dips, unpaved roads, roads that lead to the unknown. If we keep running scared of the unknown how will we ever know whether what lies ahead is positive? Simple, we will not. So, we roll the dice every morning, we land on a number. We get to decide whether we take these steps forward or backwards. I want to keep moving forward in my life. Life is too short to go backwards. I do not want to hide in the shadows. I want to shine bright. We all should want to shine bright, show the world what we have to offer, and not be afraid of what lies ahead of us.

I think so many of us are afraid of what everyone will think of us and we base our decisions off this. It is sad if you really think about it. I do not want to live my life like this. I want to live my life and not worry about what everyone thinks of me. People will judge no matter what, so I am going to take those steps forward, through whatever hazard lies in my way and face it head on. By facing my challenges head on it only helps me grow stronger.

I have realized through the steps I have taken lately that when things get muddy, I can allow myself to fall or I can keep myself strong and figure out how to get through it. I have my family and friends, my life lines, to help me. It is okay to reach out when you need them. There is no shame in having a support system. My life lines help me get through the challenges I face. I am thankful I have them.

One challenge I have overcome in this muddy step is realizing my worth. Life may be like a game board, but I am no toy. I know what I bring to the table. I know what I offer. I know what challenges one must face to reach me. My walls are high for a reason and occasionally I am stupid and let them down, but then reality kicks in and I remember why I need them.

Life may be like a game board, one that we are all still trying to figure out, each day we face new challenges, but each step we take forward allows us to grow as a person. We get to decide what kind of person we want to be. Do we want to be the person that makes life more of a challenge? Maybe we want to be the person that is not afraid to face anything that comes our way? Or we may simply be the person that strolls along enjoying each step, day by day, as the sunshine fills their world, taking whatever comes their way with a grain of salt knowing that the day is what you make it?

Are you willing to roll the dice and jump into the rabbit hole head first? Life is after all what you make it. We are all responsible for our own chapters. Live.

crazy cat lady

You know what I love about myself? That no matter how dark things seem to be, no matter what negative twist is thrown at me, no matter what it is that enters into my bubble to bring me down I am always able to find that light, that humor, or the positive in every situation.

I have had some dark times in my life. I have had some moments that I would not want anyone to ever experience. I have had times that I thought I would never see the positive again, but here I am shining bright. Living life everyday with a beautiful smile on my face.

We all have choices. We are responsible for the decisions we make in life. These decisions take us down certain paths. We get to decide if we add the positivity or the negativity on these paths. I did not realize this when I was younger. I realized this when I was in my mid 20’s, more mature, and more focused on what was really important.

Then in the last few years so much happened. So many changes. Some dark. Some good. Some scary. But I remained positive. Focused. Sure, I had my dark depressed moments, but seriously who does not have those moments? If you say you have never had one of those moments, I am going to call bullshit! We are human. We are going to have our moments.

I feel ready for the next chapter in my life to start. But the dating world is just not going to happen. So, I have decided I am just going to become a crazy cat lady. Lol. But I promise my house will not smell like cat. I love Bath and Body Works way too much for a stinky house!! Lol. Wallflowers and candles everywhere to smother out the smell. Lol. Oh my goodness…I crack myself up.

We decide what path we walk along. Whether it is the path of happiness with green grass full of laughter and smiles or the path of darkness with tears and pain that haunts us for the decisions we made. Sometimes we decide to live a little bit of both. Devil on one shoulder, angel on the other. I have lived a life like this. I have learned so many lessons.

So, I can say I am not happy with everything I have done in my life, I have learned from them, I love who I have become, and I will for certain never become a crazy cat lady…if I do please send someone to rescue me!!! Lol. Thanks in advance!!

Sunshine and sparkles!! Put a smile on that beautiful face!!