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reflection

When 2020 started I thought it was going to be the longest year ever. January was just tip toeing along like “haha lets drag this out fuckers”. I’m sure it was, because everyone thought 2019 was a crap year. Which I have no clue why. 2019 was a great year for me…but anyways…here we were creeping along and then BOOM! February finally decided to make an appearance. Alright, yes 2020 is finally starting…juuuust kidding….lets go crazy buying all the toilet paper for a respiratory virus…major eye, but I did buy some, just in case I ran out since all these people were freak out shopping like the world was coming to an end. I’ve watched enough Walking Dead, I should be prepared enough, right? Bahahaha…

Everything shut down. Nothing felt normal anymore. I wasn’t even sure what normal was. All of a sudden, I wasn’t just a mom and an essential employee. Overnight I became mom-essential employee-teacher-race car driver-toilet paper hunter. Say goodbye to common core mother fuckers. The speed limit didn’t seem to matter anymore to anyone, so to not get run off the road you learned to drive faster (unless you already did..hehe), and well I don’t think I need to explain why I had to hunt for toilet paper…but if someone posted a store had it and I was still in my pjs, watch out world…

Life slowed down. It changed. There were parts I hated. But I had to remind myself of my sunshine and sparkles. Through the darkness that linger above us I looked for the light. My kids and I made a point to get outdoors more. We found new places to hike and fish. I even got my fishing license…I don’t even like to fish. We went on adventures, grew closer, laughed, made memories, exercised, and just lived a life we wouldn’t normally live if life hadn’t slowed down.

I love pictures. I have so many from this year. Pictures that are serious, goofy, full of life, love, and memories. Reflecting back on this year I see so many different things that so many families, individuals, and friends have gone through and are still going through. Lessons have been learned. I have learned more about myself, children, family, and friends this year than I ever have in past years. There have been all kinds of emotion expressed throughout 2020. I am lucky to have captured the memories I have this year.

As 2020 comes to an end I reflect back on people I have walked away from, people I have grown closer too, people that have entered my life, and people that have become strangers. Some could say 2020 has been a shitty year. Sure, we shut down and life has changed. I certainly will admit I hate the shut down and the masks. But when I think of the good that has come out of this year I smile. Why? Because right now as I write this, I can say I am happy with how my life is. Is there some darkness? Sure. But I have decided to look at the light, the light that makes me feel whole, warm, bright, and smile.

I have prepared for what ever crazy 2021 brings us. I have made sure I have enough paper goods that I can build a padded room with all of it, if I need too…bahaha…But remember I have watched The Walking Dead…I am prepared…wink wink…

stupid sock

My stupid sock kept sliding down my foot into my shoe. I didn’t know how many more times I could fix it before I just took my socks off and said fuck it. Between my socks and underwear, I knew I should have changed both before leaving the house. FML. If this was an indication of how my day was going to go, I was fucked.

Guess what?? I was fucked. My day just got worse. I drove through Dutch Bros and picked up coffee for everyone. The drinks were in a drink carrier. I placed the drinks on my passenger seat like I always did. Then this asshole decided to cut me off. I could have hit him, but let’s get real, I love my car, soooo I slammed on my brakes, honked my horn and called him every dirty cuss word possible like he could hear me….but now I had a coffee lake all over the passenger side of my car. Yay!!!

I pulled over to attempt to clean up this wonderful mess. Pretty sure fire was coming out of my ears by now. I moved the drinks to the floor of my car and continued on my happy journey. “you mother fucking fucktard”, yelling at the top of my lungs as I slam on my brakes again, because some fucktard towing a pickup with his pickup pulls out into traffic…. splash…you’ve got to be kidding me…

This day needed to get better. I didn’t want to bring my black cloud to work with me. Not today. My sock is wrapped around my toes, my underwear is I don’t even know at this point, and I have a coffee swamp in my front seat, but at least my hair looks cute…major eye roll…

I am so glad I can laugh at shit like this, because if I took this kind of stuff serious and to heart, I would always be in tears. I literally need to be wrapped in bubble wrap.

Laughing hysterically at everything that took place in the last half hour I opened the sunroof, turned up the music, and reset myself. I am already a black cloud, that is something I cannot help, but I can make sure I am living in the moment and enjoying it the best way I know how, and that’s exactly what I did.

My socks and underwear drove me insane during my whole shift and I immediately threw them away when I got home. Work was insane, which I expect, especially with my adventure on the way to work. But I was full of energy and had a wonderful time.

If we let the little things bother us, get us down, and control our day we are not the one’s in charge of our lives. Life is too short to be bothered by silly things. I am happy I am able to laugh at life, turn my day around, and live each day to its fullest.

she is peachy

She was always normally happy, full of life, or cheerful, but sometimes she had those days or moments when she was upset, sad, angry, and during these times it did not mean she was not happy or her sparkly self, it just meant she was having a bad day or did not feel like herself. She is after all human.  

The cut was deeper than expected. Tears began to fall. They filled the wound with a slight sting, which was a reminder of the pain she knew would eventually happen.  It was worse than she expected and at that moment she realized she was not as dark and dead inside as she had thought.

Tears continued to fall and dampen her cheeks. She laid there looking at the messages being passed back and forth, not exactly sure how to feel. Upset, torn, hurt, within herself at that moment. This was a conversation she did not want to have through text. It was something she wanted in person. But she was cursed. Everyone could feel her every emotion whether through text, posts, in person, or over the phone. Her emotions, feelings, thoughts are worn like a jacket.

This lost soul felt like this year had been a challenge on so many different levels. January started out great, but it dragged. There was concern that the year was going to take forever, but excitement still filled the air. Then it all just fell apart. She held her head high and remained positive, found the light in everything like she always did. This year did drag, it did take forever, hell it’s still going, but there were many things she learned about herself. Things she even learned about family and friends. New friends were made, who became family. Even with how difficult this year has been she is thankful for it, because without it she would not have grown in the way she did this year. Yes, there still would have been growth within her, but it would have been different. She felt this growth that has taken place within her this year has made her stronger, more vocal, not as afraid to be herself.

Thankful for the friendships created this year, the bonds that have turned friends into family, the true colors that have been brought out in people. The lessons that have been taught. The growth that has happened. The beauty in this dark year. People started to be nice again for a moment, they said hi to strangers, waved, new traditions were created, before it went dark again.

She sat there reflecting on everything. Feeling lost. What just happened? There had been such light and happiness, then darkness loomed above her world. She still shined her light through, but you could feel her sadness, the tenderness of pain radiated off of her, her walls went back up as she closed the door and locked away her feelings, because how else to does one swallow something they cannot understand?

She knew she was difficult to love. She knew she was a handful. She knew what her friendship brought to the table, but she also knew she could not keep feeling the way she felt every time she let someone close to her. She has been let down by so many this year and in previous years.

Lonely. She knows she is not alone, but the feeling is overwhelming. Trust. She was told to never trust a soul. Giving the benefit of the doubt has been a weakness. One she is trying to overcome. When she needed someone there was nobody. Her tears fell in silence, tissues mopped them up, her pillow was her shoulder, and she was her own friend.

Friends, some became family, some have been let go, others taught lessons, and there are some that touched her soul. With each she allowed herself to learn, to become stronger, to grow, and to understand that everyone has a story that makes them who they are.

She battles her own battles like everyone else and is still learning that she is not always strong enough to get through them on her own. One day she will be strong enough to ask for help, a shoulder to lean on, and maybe in time she will understand she is not difficult to love or a handful, but that it is all just a part of her journey.  

Check please…

Several months ago, I decided to go to dinner with a guy I had never met. I knew it was probably a bad idea, but I went anyways. I made sure to let a friend know where I was and checked in with her throughout the dinner. I seriously cannot make this shit up, but I am glad I can laugh at the shit that happens in my life.

My gut kept telling me to cancel. There were red flags in the messages leading up to this dinner, but I still said fuck it and went. I was parking my car near the restaurant when I got a message from him saying he was running late. Fine, whatever. I didn’t really want to be there anyways.

I wasn’t even nervous. I just wanted to get this over with. We walked around for a few minutes talking. More red flags. Fuck my life. Why me? Maybe if I tripped and fell flat on my face, I could head home…my luck I’d break something and end up in the ER.

Can we just go eat already…

I normally do not like to sit facing the tv screens, because I think it is rude when someone pays attention to the tv and not the people they are with, but this night I made sure I took the seat facing the tv screens so that I could watch the baseball game throughout dinner. I didn’t even feel bad. At this point I just wanted my food, to eat, and leave.

He sat there across the table from me stuffing his face as he spoke. The food was rolling around in his mouth like a clogged toilet it just kept swirling in the same spot, as he mumbled something along the lines of what a great guy he was. Somebody please help me!!! I could not scream loud enough in my head to drown this guy out. Thankfully with the baseball game on in the background I could easily distract myself from his disgusting chewing. Oh shit?! What did he just ask…ugh. This was the longest dinner ever. “I’m this and I’m that, blah blah blah..” got it dude, you’re Mr. Wonderful every woman’s dream guy. Riiight…except the fact that he legit showed enough red flags in ten minutes flat to send any chick running…stupid ass. And my dumbass was still sitting there…omgoodness, save me!! I think the manager heard my cry for help, because he came and checked on me…

As we sat there, he continued to talk about himself and how great he was at this and at that as I watched the baseball game. I really should have just left, but I didn’t want to be rude. Sometimes I can be a little too nice…

Outside in the fresh air I could breathe. I didn’t have to watch him eat anymore. Thank goodness!!! I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle without losing my shit. But then he decides to tell me I would be lucky to have a man like him, because he is nice, helpful, etc., and not one of those assholes all women go for.

Breathe, just breathe. Stop. Think. Before. Word. Vomit.

Ummm, excuse me? Word vomit happened, really bad word vomit. First of all, nobody tells me who is right or wrong for me, I make my own damn decisions fucker. Second of all, you just spent I don’t even know how long talking about yourself and how great you are in bed…what in the actual fuck…newsflash, I have hands and toys that I can use that will get me off better than your dick ever would, and the hell if I would ever let you near me. And third, just because you say you are nice doesn’t mean jack shit to me, the nice guy is usually the biggest asshole to mankind, because he is trying to prove something to everyone or has something to hide. So, take your nice, helpful you need me attitude and shove it up your ass.

And maybe these ”assholes” are assholes to him, because he’s jealous? Most women I know want someone who treats them with respect, not someone who is going to look down on them, and this guy, well he made it obvious that he looks down on women.

I do not understand why some people think that because you are a single female means you are helpless or that you need someone “nice” in your life. Maybe we are single because we meet people like this douche. Or how about we are just single, because we choose to be?

I can take care of myself. I can please myself. I can buy myself flowers. I can pay my mortgage. I have an amazing job. I have a great family and wonderful friends. If I need help with something, I will ask one of them. The list goes on.

I do not need a red flag toilet swirling douche bag chewer in my life to “help” me, because he thinks women can’t do shit on their own. I got news for you dude I am fucking powerful and I can accomplish most anything I put my mind too. And I will not hesitate to knock you on your ass with my words. Especially once you tell me I need a man, because I am a female.

Guess what?? I did knock him on his ass. Knocked him flat on his ass.

just a weed

I am standing in the middle of a field surrounded by beautiful roses. Vibrant colors, full of life, radiant. Their perfume coming at me from every direction. I could feel their thorns prickling my tender skin leaving small scars. Looking around I see that I look different. My skin is softer. I do not shine bright. I feel weak and out of place. I am just a weed in a field of gorgeous roses.

Life is all around me. It is difficult to see above me, but I can see some blue-sky peeking through the forest of green leaves, red, pink, and yellow petals. As I begin to drown, I feel a horrendous pain. Maybe this is a rescue mission. The blue-sky is now completely surrounding me and the sunshine warms my tender bruised skin. Playful laughter feels the air. Relaxation takes over my injured body and I suddenly feel limp. I felt safe, I could breathe, and was no longer surrounded by too much pain. A big gust hit me.

The laughter drifted further away as pieces of me floated away. I fought to stay together, but I was not strong enough. I was no longer whole. Shattered into hundreds of pieces across the field. As I laid scatter on the soft soil, waves of mixed emotions took over. I was completely destroyed.

The sky grew dark and released its tears. I hugged the soil to stay warm. I did not like this feeling of being lost, confused, scared, and broken. Something had to change. The rain planted me. I started to grow. Roots took depth as I developed leaves and then a beautiful yellow flower.

Pieces of me were everywhere. Over time I was destroyed by thorns, darkness that hovered above me, and then ripped apart. But over time I was able to grow again. This time I grew stronger. I adapted to the environment that I knew was waiting for me. With thicker skin, deeper roots, and more of me I could be unstoppable.

I might be just a weed among a field full of beautiful roses, but their perfume, thorns and high maintenance has made me a strong powerful unstoppable weed who shines bright like the sun, because I am not afraid to grow in uncomfortable places.