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FML

Laughter. It’s supposed to cure everything, but it doesn’t fix everything. Sure, it helps in the moment. It is better than letting the tears fall down my fucking cheeks…AGAIN. But here I sit. Laughed my ass off for a moment, shook my head, and walked back in the house to face the never-ending disaster.

Sweating like a fucking pig at night is wonderful. Let me tell you, NOT! But that is what happens when the air conditioner decides it wants to stop working in the middle of the summer. I just love sleeping in a pool of sweat, said no one ever! I knew I needed to change the air filter and silly me bought the wrong size. YES! Way to go…sooo shopping trip…and I have a blonde moment and can’t put the stupid thing in.

I have a lake in my kitchen. Don’t even have to drive anywhere. Let me set up my beach chair, umbrella, and lay out my towel…I just need a sun light to keep my tan going, because I don’t have skin like my siblings…

FML…things happen in three’s right…

I sound like I am a whiny little bitch right now…oh fucking well. Maybe I need to whine, maybe I need to cry, maybe I just need to yell and scream my fucking head off, because I am frustrated with a lot of different things right now…like currently my foot keeps cramping…my toes look fucked up, and I want to cry, because I am in pain, but I won’t instead I am going to write one long ass sentence whining like a baby back bitch internally laughing at myself.

I like that I am able to laugh at myself and the shit that happens in my life, because my life has been an on and off shit storm. But I am proud of myself, because I am able to handle the shit that is thrown my way. Sure, I may cry, I may get frustrated, I might need to be held tight, vent, but guess what? I am fucking human…I am not perfect and I would never want to be.

I have been through shit. Who hasn’t? but we can either let it define us or we can hold our heads high, roll with the punches, laugh, and keep on finding the light in the darkness that rolls in with the storms.

I know I have my moments when I can’t find the light in the darkness, but I have love that is my strength in my weak moments that lifts me up, gives me strength, and keeps me going.

Laughter, sunshine, and mother fucking sparkles…

BUT i am beautiful

I am beautiful.

I will never have giant tits…unless they are fake,

I might always have a mom belly,

 I have stretch marks,

 My skin is no longer “beautiful”, because of my autoimmune disease

 My curves are itty bitty.

 BUT I see myself as sexy.

I am not filtered or censored,

 What you see is what you get.

 I will never look like a model or the girls on only fans, tv, or in magazines,

BUT I am beautiful.

 You see what you get.

I am a mom.

 My stretch marks reflect nine months of three different times growing a child within me,

 I am blessed.

But I am not what men drool over on social media

 I am me.

Down to earth.

 Simple.

 Beautiful.

Real.

I am a woman who loves herself,

 I wear what I want,

 I do not care what others think,

 I will stand up for myself,

 My mouth is foul.

 I am not perfect.

 I can pay my own way.

 I love life.

 I see the light in the darkness.

 I am loved.

 I am beautiful from the inside out.

I use no filters to shine bright or show my beauty.

My skin is not perfect.

I am not a model.

BUT I am beautiful.

Strong.

I am a mother.

I shine bright and light my little world by being just me.

 I make no apologies for who I am.

 I may not have large curves or be sexy like those who are airbrushed, but I am real.

I work hard for the body I have.

I love me,

that is all that matters.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

There are times when we judge ourselves, because of what we see on TV, social media, or in person. But this is life. This is how we have lived for a long time. First it was Barbie’s body, then it was the models we saw in the magazines. We continue to grow up and still compare ourselves, even though we know we shouldn’t and know that we are beautiful in our ways. Our parents, family, and friends can tell us time and time again that we are gorgeous and beautiful, and we can tell ourselves, but if we aren’t strong enough to believe it, we will always compare ourselves. If we are strong enough will we believe it? Maybe on certain days, but we are human and we have our faults and bad days. Those bad days no matter how much we tell ourselves we are beautiful or strong we will not feel it. It is just part of life.

I love who I am. I love my personality, my smile, my humor, just everything about me. Do I have faults? fuck yes. But we all do. I am a firm believer that your personality makes you radiate from the inside out. We can be drop dead gorgeous, but if we are ugly on the inside, we shine ugly on the outside.

Are there things I hate about myself? Of course. I hate what my autoimmune disease has done to my body. It has changed my self confidence tremendously. This is something I have realized a lot lately. I hate that about myself. My bestie told me I have the biggest balls she has ever seen…lmao. But lately I feel I have lost that about myself. I feel weak. It is difficult for me to admit that, because I have come such a long way the last several years. The way my disease has changed my body has affected me more that I realized.

There are things I am still working on. I have said them in previous posts. My walls. They are definitely getting smaller which I am so proud of, you have no idea. And my moat…well the prey has left and now you can relax on a float while working on your tan. So, I am strong in parts of my little world and weak in others. Now if I could just be strong in all of my little world, I would be unstoppable.

I am beautiful. I am fucking beautiful. I love me. I am blessed. I have been through hell and back. I am lucky to be alive right now. I almost died. I am a survivor. I may hate parts of my body, but I am beautiful. I shine bright. I see past the darkness. I do not make apologies for who I am. I might be weak in areas of my life and strong in others, but I am working on myself always for the better, because I want to continue to a beautiful mother, woman, and role model.

We may always compare ourselves to those we see on TV, in magazines, or on social media, unfortunately that’s life. It’s how we grew up. WE are all beautiful in our own unique ways. Just because we don’t see ourselves as a goddess in our own eyes doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t. Love yourself always. You are BEAUTIFUL.

Sunshine and sparkles.  

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Sleepless nights

I recently had to revisit my past. It wasn’t easy at all. Emotions were brought up that I had forgotten. Thoughts and memories that I had hidden in the back of my mind came rushing back. Sleepless nights. Tossing and turning. Fears. The sounds. Tears would slide down my cheeks as I cried myself silently to sleep. I felt broken all over again.

It took me years to rebuild myself. Fear of dark corners, hotels, pillows and blankets over my face, and people thinking I was lying about my story. There are times when the PTSD still hits out of nowhere and rocks me to the core. Even though it’s been almost 20 years. An emotional roller coaster, one that took everything I wanted, one that I allowed to control me for longer than I should have, but even if it happened now, I would probably be the same emotional mess, just older, stronger, and able to handle it a little different.

But as I was rebuilding myself from a horrible event, I never thought I would face I was facing another battle. Ugh…what in the hell…I felt as though I was living in hell. I kept asking myself what I did to deserve the things I was going through. I repeated over and over again that there is a reason for everything…this seemed to help me get through. Even if I didn’t understand it at the time.

I was a survivor. For some reason I just kept pushing through all the shit, the hell, the pain, and ended up stronger every single time. Still wasn’t sure why.

More hell. Fuck my life. But I will survive. I have time and time again. This was a different kind of hell though. I lost friends. I lost people that I thought cared about me, that I cared about. People lied to my face constantly.  

Eye openers were happening all around me, but I was not paying attention. Instead I decided to ignore all the signs that I should have paid attention too and kept telling myself things would change. Of course, they did not change, they got worse.

As things seemed to get worse, I grew stronger, which did not help. I began to become independent and realized my worth. This was great for me, but felt like a threat in my environment. I had to make decisions. Stay strong, grow stronger or go back into my shell and hide everything I felt.

At this point I had some amazing people that helped me stay strong and keep pushing myself to heal and stay positive. And this time I was ready to see to all the red flags. I could see them like neon signs. They were bright, flashing, in my face telling me to pay attention for my own benefit.

I was finally this strong, beautiful, confident woman. I felt unstoppable, but I still had moments of weakness. Who does not have those moments? We all do. We are human. Not a single one of us is perfect. I know some people hide their emotions and think that it is for the best, but I am not the person that can hide. I wear them on the outside. Everyone can see them. I used to hate that, but now I see it as a strength. I am not able to hide anymore. I am called out on my bluff when I do try. This was challenging for me and honestly still is, but it is something I am still working on.

I like that I am able to admit I am not perfect, that I have things I am still working on in life even at the age of 37. I have had to walk on eggshells, I have had to have plans I never thought I would, I have had to pretend I was okay when I was not, I have swallowed more feelings than I care to admit, I have PTSD, and I am still learning to be open and trust easily, but it is difficult to trust and be open for me. I have been open and trusted easily and it hurt me big time. I told myself I will never open up again immediately, that I will slowly open up as I learn to trust the people in my life. I closed doors, closed up, built giant walls. But I am learning how to open up again, to let my walls down. I am doing well, but still not as well as I would like.

As I reflect on my past, I realize I am the way I am for many different reasons. There are things I never thought I would face in life when I was younger, but I faced them, I survived. Because I am a survivor, I have been able to help others, inspire them with my life experiences, and show people that no matter what you go through you can get through it while shining bright.

As a teenager I saw my life going a whole different direction, but it did not. I am not living where I thought I would, I do not have the career I thought I was going to have, I do not have the life I thought I would, but right now, in this current moment I can say I am happy. That even though I would never want to go through the things I have faced again, I am happy that I have, because my experiences have made me who I am, and have allowed me to have things in my life that I did not think I would, and this makes me okay with the pain, the hurt, and the memories.  

Fear. It is one of those funny things. It can sometimes hold us back or make us do things we regret. My fear is if I let my walls down any further, I will regret it, because I am afraid of scaring people away. I have been told I will not, but my past tells me otherwise.

I need to stop being afraid of getting hurt and let those that care in. I have let my walls start to fall, as they fall, I am letting more out, but there is still hesitation, and the hesitation is a weakness I hope to overcome soon, because I have no reason to be afraid anymore. I have things I need to work on, which I am, and I am still learning, but life is a continuous lesson. I hope that as I continue to learn throughout my life that I will continue to grow as a person.

I am strong, but still weak. I still have issues. Remember nobody is perfect. We all have things we stare at, but refuse to face. We all have fears that scare us beyond belief, but we hope to get past them one day. We all worry about small things we have no control over. We have all survived some kind of event in our lives that changed us in ways we never thought possible.

 It is up to us on whether or not to let these things control us and our life, or whether we take our life into our hands and take control of it. I decided to take control.

I survived the things I have for a reason. I still do not understand the reason for all that I have gone through, but I am finally okay with that. I have realized that the things I do understand I survived them, because I needed to go through them to help others.

Life is what we make it. We have the power. No matter what I go through I continue to stay strong and shine bright. I hope that I can pass that onto my children. I hope that they see me as a role model, someone they can look up too, and know that even when things get tough there is always a reason, one they may not have the answer to immediately, but that they will be okay and that they always have me to help them get through it and to help them stay positive.  

Revisiting the past was difficult. I lost nights of sleep, felt weak, but being able to reflect and share has helped me see just how far I have come in life. The tears slid down my cheeks, covered my pillow, as I shook with more emotion than I could handle I was held tight. In this moment I knew I didn’t have to be strong alone. I have an amazing support system. When we go through tough times, feel weak, sometimes we need extra strength. We need to be able to lean on those who care about us most. Never be afraid to lean.

Sunshine and Sparkles.

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no straight lines

Sometimes I just start typing and the words just flow. I literally have no clue where the words will take me, but I end up creating a messy masterpiece that I enjoy reading and sharing. Sometimes my writing even gives me an insight as to what is bothering me or even helps me organize the jumbled mess of thoughts rolling around inside my head; my thoughts are like my conversations…lol. Too many at once.

Like right now I have these thoughts, these words, all these different things I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs…BUT I can’t…why?? Well, first of all I STILL SOUND LIKE A FUCKING MOUSE and can’t yell, I can hardly fucking talk, and second, because I am too fucking adult…ugh why must I be mature at times? BAHAHA…OH that’s right, because I am 37 and decided growing up was the smart thing to do. So instead I sit here typing on my laptop, hearing the clicking on my keys, the silence from my mousy voice, even though I am screaming from the inside, laughing at my childish thoughts as I act adult…

Adulting fucking sucks sometimes. I would never want to go back to being a kid or teen, but fuck, there are times when I just want to be so juvenile. I guess that is why we drink, party, get shit faced at times as adults, those are our juvenile moments. Those are the moments we can act like complete idiots and be immature dumb fucks as long as we don’t take it too far, right? I mean who doesn’t like to lean over the trash can or toilet every now and again vomiting up their guts like they did as a teenager or go to bed with the room spinning like a carnival ride, and not to mention the morning after hangover…the greasy ass breakfast with the Bloody Mary or Mimosa. For sure worth all of it, right?? Just don’t forget to hydrate and you’ll be all good…hehe.

And what about the bills, chores, and the responsibilities…fuck a duck. Like seriously. Who told us being an adult was fun? Oh wait, I was told to slow down, you don’t want to grow up too fast, and in all seriousness, I couldn’t wait to be a “grown-up”. WTF was I thinking? Obviously, I wasn’t.

And now with mini me’s of my own it’s like do you give them the same advice, “slow the fuck down, adulting sucks ass, and life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!!” LOL…nope, you hope that you have taught them well enough that they will be able to survive this “adulting” shit and that you did the best you can, lol, just kidding. But seriously, my kids, they are close to being on their own, well at least one, the other two are getting closer, and all I can do is hope that I can teach them to slow down just a little and enjoy their teenage years without giving me too many more gray hairs, because seriously getting those things covered cost a shit ton. I should start making them pay for my salon visits…hmmmm…HAHAHA!!!

Sometimes adulting can suck, but sometimes it can be tons of fun. It just depends on how you look at it and what you are doing at the moment. Deciding to grow up was the best decision I could have made and I know that. When I want to scream, shout, and say the things that I know I should not say I call my bestie and we have laughs, lots of them, and sometimes we laugh so much we cry. But right now, without my voice these conversations are difficult and that fucking sucks donkey balls. So, for now I write…

Sunshine and mother fucking sparkles.

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damn walls

My walls have been massive tall giants for a very long time. At one point I even built a super deep moat around my walls to protect myself. But now I am sitting here, well I am usually standing there, when he looks into my soul, and can see what is floating around in my head or can feel the vibes radiating off my body. He gives me this smirk, because he knows it drives me crazy, but I don’t want him to stop. I like that he isn’t afraid to call me out on all my shit. But my fucking walls…UGH!!!

They have been up for so long that they have these nasty long thorns wrapped around them that they even scare me. I try so hard to break through them and every time I think I am there I hesitate and then BOOM I crash into my own damn wall…like fuck Heather you aren’t blind. You are a strong badass fucking rockstar of a woman. Let them down…this is the word vomit the floats through me as my bullshit radiates off of me and I stand there stuttering like a fucking monkey who doesn’t know what to do with a banana…

Then there’s my BFF’s and my daughters who like to fuck with me and ask if my walls have fallen down yet…listen here ya’ll…let me clear my throat and let the word vomit flow…wait I need to adjust my crown so they can see my devil horns so they know shit is about to get real, because they know I won’t hold back through the word vomit and laughter towards my fucking self…(this is where I am literally hitting myself in the forehead with an open hand)…word vomit…it’s my enemy when I get started, but its also my saving grace for everyone that understands me. “listen Linda, (picture the head bob with sass and me pointing my finger, yes even if am on the phone) I know what I need to do. I know I need to let my mother fucking walls down, but you all know why I have issues with doing so…so my walls are there and they are slowly coming down Heather style, but I have all this shit that I am battling within myself and you peeps just have to deal with it, because they will break and crash down like a tumbling mother fucking backstabbing tsunami bitch when I least expect it and I know that when that happens it’s because it was supposed to happen right then and there…sooo yeah..” Through all of this I am laughing, which is a good thing, because I laugh at myself a lot. If I didn’t laugh at myself the way I do, I would probably be a giant fucking mess of a human.

So, at this point I am full of fucking so much sass it’s not even on the scale of 1-10. Well, on most days my sass probably isn’t, but especially during my word vomit, which let’s get real, happens most days. But on a good note we are all laughing at the word vomit and having a conversation that is probably going in 15 different directions. Seriously, those that can handle me, I give them major props…and I appreciate them more than they know.

Okay okay, so back to my damn walls. Yes, I know those fuckers need to come down, that my moat needs to either be filled up, or used as a lazy river and not a trap that requires a life vest. My walls are not as tall as they once were, the thorns are not as sharp, and the vicious creatures are gone from my waters. I have gotten much better and it’s because I am challenged in ways that I have never been challenged before. I need time to get use to this new way of life. I have always been able to do everything on my own (except decide where to eat…and NOW I HAVE TOO, which I actually kind of like…huge, giant smiles) and I will never apologize for being a badass independent chick, but I need to learn how to not be so independent, if that makes sense.

Learning how to still be a badass mother fucking rockstar and not as independent is a new challenge. One that I am enjoying, but it is a process. So, without allowing myself to lose myself in the process of my walls coming down, the thorns turning into beautiful flowers, and my moat becoming an awesome lazy river I am learning how to breathe again while loving life.

Sunshine and mother fucking sassy sparkles

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hangry bitch

Do they make a gluten-free Snickers? Because I have been one hangry bitch lately.

My inner bitch has been at an all-time high. I try to hold it in, hide it, but it’s difficult. I know everyone can see it, feel it radiate off of me. Afterall I wear my emotions on the outside. I’m like a fucking glow stick…glowing bitch coming through…

Sometimes life gets overwhelming. We can’t always process everything into neat little boxes and stack them in organized rows…well I can’t. I am not that kind of person. I am like the White Rabbit in a four-lane highway trying not to get run over attempting to head down the rabbit hole. I freeze when the headlights shine deep into my soul and BOOM I get hit, run over, guts everywhere to the point I am this fucking major bitch nobody wants to be around. The sunshine and sparkles leave my body and the devil horns holding my halo double in size. I only seem to be nice to certain people and others better duck for cover. Sweet nice Heather has left the building.

I like to analyze what in the actual fuck caused me to act in such a horrible way. This is when I put the boxes in a some what organized ordered…still not organized, still a mess, because let’s face the truth, I run off chaos, spinning in 15 different directions at once. I’m like a first timer at Disneyland. Pretty sure I developed ADHD once I became a 911 dispatcher. Even if you read my blog, some of the entries are all over the place. Ever have a conversation with me? expect to have several in one. Lmao..it’s just who I am. I only know how to relax when I am at the beach with a drink in my hand, maybe, just kidding, I relax around the right people.

Things do not always go the way we want them too. We can hope, pray, build ourselves up to the point that when they don’t go our way, we get so upset we take it out on those closest to us. We make ourselves so sick, stressed to the point we can’t sleep or eat, and it feels like Darth Vader has a grip around our necks. We breakout, our bodies fight against us telling us to knock it off, and yet we still are our own worst enemies.

Life isn’t a Disney fairytale. I can’t sit there feeding the animals, singing to them on how wonderful life is. I love being a mom, but at times my heart breaks. I built myself up, knowing the outcome wasn’t going to be in my favor, but I was still hopeful like a princess locked in her tower. Then as I was asking the question, I was telling myself “stop you already know the answer” and as she sat there not wanting to look me in the eye, she gave me her answer. I looked away so she couldn’t see the tears fill my eyes. That was just the start…my sadness grew into anger as every little thing around me started to bother me. “you need to do this before you get hurt, do that, why are you doing this…” seriously I didn’t know that everyone else was in charge of my life.

I sat frozen in the headlights. Just sitting there. Hearing everything that was going on around me, but not wanting to participate, because I knew the words wouldn’t come out right. I knew I would sound like a hate filled soulless empty monster if I opened my mouth. I had to remain chill so the vomit wouldn’t spew from my lips. Everyone knew I had something to say. Oh well. I didn’t sleep. The stress, the lack of words, the anger kept me tossing and turning. The feeling of not belonging anywhere, lost, hurt, the anger, it was all too much for me to handle. I felt broken. I was too angry to cry that night.

 Turning my alarm off before it annoyed me was becoming a new habit. I was in such a stellar mood…as if…I was worse than normal. I would have made the perfect Grumpy. The day dragged to make it even worse; I am sure it was punishing me for my behavior for the week. Laughing at me for being such a bitch. Even when I left, I wasn’t okay. I was angry.

I just wanted to cry to release all the emotion building inside me. I got home and snapped at my teenage daughter like she was in the fast lane driving at a snail’s pace. I decided I needed to burn in hell. In the scolding hot shower, the tears rolled down my cheeks. Fucking finally! Seriously, sometimes a good cry helps!

Things usually don’t bother me like this. I am the type to let things roll off me, knowing I can’t control the universe, knowing karma will catch those that deserve it, and I always find the light in the darkest moments. I am the one that shines and brings the sparkles to people’s day, but here I was, dark, gloomy like Eeyore. Lost.

Later words were shared, hugs given and I knew everything was going to be okay. I finally slept, like Sleeping Beauty waiting for Prince Phillip’s kiss. I woke up not to my alarm, but not from my stress either, I woke up next to someone who cares deeply, who woke me in a caring gentle way.

Finally, I felt more like myself than I have in days. I might have been like the White Rabbit in traffic for a few days at work and around certain people, but I think when the boxes pile up, the stack gets too high, we get overwhelmed with the chaos of the environment, and we can’t handle it all, because we are afraid of what will happen when we clean up the mess or face our feelings on situations occurring in our personal lives. Instead of being a rabbit in the headlights, spinning uncontrollably, or choking on life it is important to remind ourselves we need to breathe, we have to look at the positives and remember we are cared about. We need to rely and go to those who care and love us when we need it most, before we hop on Mr. Toads Wild Ride.

PS…I need some Disneyland….

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reflection

When 2020 started I thought it was going to be the longest year ever. January was just tip toeing along like “haha lets drag this out fuckers”. I’m sure it was, because everyone thought 2019 was a crap year. Which I have no clue why. 2019 was a great year for me…but anyways…here we were creeping along and then BOOM! February finally decided to make an appearance. Alright, yes 2020 is finally starting…juuuust kidding….lets go crazy buying all the toilet paper for a respiratory virus…major eye, but I did buy some, just in case I ran out since all these people were freak out shopping like the world was coming to an end. I’ve watched enough Walking Dead, I should be prepared enough, right? Bahahaha…

Everything shut down. Nothing felt normal anymore. I wasn’t even sure what normal was. All of a sudden, I wasn’t just a mom and an essential employee. Overnight I became mom-essential employee-teacher-race car driver-toilet paper hunter. Say goodbye to common core mother fuckers. The speed limit didn’t seem to matter anymore to anyone, so to not get run off the road you learned to drive faster (unless you already did..hehe), and well I don’t think I need to explain why I had to hunt for toilet paper…but if someone posted a store had it and I was still in my pjs, watch out world…

Life slowed down. It changed. There were parts I hated. But I had to remind myself of my sunshine and sparkles. Through the darkness that linger above us I looked for the light. My kids and I made a point to get outdoors more. We found new places to hike and fish. I even got my fishing license…I don’t even like to fish. We went on adventures, grew closer, laughed, made memories, exercised, and just lived a life we wouldn’t normally live if life hadn’t slowed down.

I love pictures. I have so many from this year. Pictures that are serious, goofy, full of life, love, and memories. Reflecting back on this year I see so many different things that so many families, individuals, and friends have gone through and are still going through. Lessons have been learned. I have learned more about myself, children, family, and friends this year than I ever have in past years. There have been all kinds of emotion expressed throughout 2020. I am lucky to have captured the memories I have this year.

As 2020 comes to an end I reflect back on people I have walked away from, people I have grown closer too, people that have entered my life, and people that have become strangers. Some could say 2020 has been a shitty year. Sure, we shut down and life has changed. I certainly will admit I hate the shut down and the masks. But when I think of the good that has come out of this year I smile. Why? Because right now as I write this, I can say I am happy with how my life is. Is there some darkness? Sure. But I have decided to look at the light, the light that makes me feel whole, warm, bright, and smile.

I have prepared for what ever crazy 2021 brings us. I have made sure I have enough paper goods that I can build a padded room with all of it, if I need too…bahaha…But remember I have watched The Walking Dead…I am prepared…wink wink…

stupid sock

My stupid sock kept sliding down my foot into my shoe. I didn’t know how many more times I could fix it before I just took my socks off and said fuck it. Between my socks and underwear, I knew I should have changed both before leaving the house. FML. If this was an indication of how my day was going to go, I was fucked.

Guess what?? I was fucked. My day just got worse. I drove through Dutch Bros and picked up coffee for everyone. The drinks were in a drink carrier. I placed the drinks on my passenger seat like I always did. Then this asshole decided to cut me off. I could have hit him, but let’s get real, I love my car, soooo I slammed on my brakes, honked my horn and called him every dirty cuss word possible like he could hear me….but now I had a coffee lake all over the passenger side of my car. Yay!!!

I pulled over to attempt to clean up this wonderful mess. Pretty sure fire was coming out of my ears by now. I moved the drinks to the floor of my car and continued on my happy journey. “you mother fucking fucktard”, yelling at the top of my lungs as I slam on my brakes again, because some fucktard towing a pickup with his pickup pulls out into traffic…. splash…you’ve got to be kidding me…

This day needed to get better. I didn’t want to bring my black cloud to work with me. Not today. My sock is wrapped around my toes, my underwear is I don’t even know at this point, and I have a coffee swamp in my front seat, but at least my hair looks cute…major eye roll…

I am so glad I can laugh at shit like this, because if I took this kind of stuff serious and to heart, I would always be in tears. I literally need to be wrapped in bubble wrap.

Laughing hysterically at everything that took place in the last half hour I opened the sunroof, turned up the music, and reset myself. I am already a black cloud, that is something I cannot help, but I can make sure I am living in the moment and enjoying it the best way I know how, and that’s exactly what I did.

My socks and underwear drove me insane during my whole shift and I immediately threw them away when I got home. Work was insane, which I expect, especially with my adventure on the way to work. But I was full of energy and had a wonderful time.

If we let the little things bother us, get us down, and control our day we are not the one’s in charge of our lives. Life is too short to be bothered by silly things. I am happy I am able to laugh at life, turn my day around, and live each day to its fullest.

she is peachy

She was always normally happy, full of life, or cheerful, but sometimes she had those days or moments when she was upset, sad, angry, and during these times it did not mean she was not happy or her sparkly self, it just meant she was having a bad day or did not feel like herself. She is after all human.  

The cut was deeper than expected. Tears began to fall. They filled the wound with a slight sting, which was a reminder of the pain she knew would eventually happen.  It was worse than she expected and at that moment she realized she was not as dark and dead inside as she had thought.

Tears continued to fall and dampen her cheeks. She laid there looking at the messages being passed back and forth, not exactly sure how to feel. Upset, torn, hurt, within herself at that moment. This was a conversation she did not want to have through text. It was something she wanted in person. But she was cursed. Everyone could feel her every emotion whether through text, posts, in person, or over the phone. Her emotions, feelings, thoughts are worn like a jacket.

This lost soul felt like this year had been a challenge on so many different levels. January started out great, but it dragged. There was concern that the year was going to take forever, but excitement still filled the air. Then it all just fell apart. She held her head high and remained positive, found the light in everything like she always did. This year did drag, it did take forever, hell it’s still going, but there were many things she learned about herself. Things she even learned about family and friends. New friends were made, who became family. Even with how difficult this year has been she is thankful for it, because without it she would not have grown in the way she did this year. Yes, there still would have been growth within her, but it would have been different. She felt this growth that has taken place within her this year has made her stronger, more vocal, not as afraid to be herself.

Thankful for the friendships created this year, the bonds that have turned friends into family, the true colors that have been brought out in people. The lessons that have been taught. The growth that has happened. The beauty in this dark year. People started to be nice again for a moment, they said hi to strangers, waved, new traditions were created, before it went dark again.

She sat there reflecting on everything. Feeling lost. What just happened? There had been such light and happiness, then darkness loomed above her world. She still shined her light through, but you could feel her sadness, the tenderness of pain radiated off of her, her walls went back up as she closed the door and locked away her feelings, because how else to does one swallow something they cannot understand?

She knew she was difficult to love. She knew she was a handful. She knew what her friendship brought to the table, but she also knew she could not keep feeling the way she felt every time she let someone close to her. She has been let down by so many this year and in previous years.

Lonely. She knows she is not alone, but the feeling is overwhelming. Trust. She was told to never trust a soul. Giving the benefit of the doubt has been a weakness. One she is trying to overcome. When she needed someone there was nobody. Her tears fell in silence, tissues mopped them up, her pillow was her shoulder, and she was her own friend.

Friends, some became family, some have been let go, others taught lessons, and there are some that touched her soul. With each she allowed herself to learn, to become stronger, to grow, and to understand that everyone has a story that makes them who they are.

She battles her own battles like everyone else and is still learning that she is not always strong enough to get through them on her own. One day she will be strong enough to ask for help, a shoulder to lean on, and maybe in time she will understand she is not difficult to love or a handful, but that it is all just a part of her journey.  

Check please…

Several months ago, I decided to go to dinner with a guy I had never met. I knew it was probably a bad idea, but I went anyways. I made sure to let a friend know where I was and checked in with her throughout the dinner. I seriously cannot make this shit up, but I am glad I can laugh at the shit that happens in my life.

My gut kept telling me to cancel. There were red flags in the messages leading up to this dinner, but I still said fuck it and went. I was parking my car near the restaurant when I got a message from him saying he was running late. Fine, whatever. I didn’t really want to be there anyways.

I wasn’t even nervous. I just wanted to get this over with. We walked around for a few minutes talking. More red flags. Fuck my life. Why me? Maybe if I tripped and fell flat on my face, I could head home…my luck I’d break something and end up in the ER.

Can we just go eat already…

I normally do not like to sit facing the tv screens, because I think it is rude when someone pays attention to the tv and not the people they are with, but this night I made sure I took the seat facing the tv screens so that I could watch the baseball game throughout dinner. I didn’t even feel bad. At this point I just wanted my food, to eat, and leave.

He sat there across the table from me stuffing his face as he spoke. The food was rolling around in his mouth like a clogged toilet it just kept swirling in the same spot, as he mumbled something along the lines of what a great guy he was. Somebody please help me!!! I could not scream loud enough in my head to drown this guy out. Thankfully with the baseball game on in the background I could easily distract myself from his disgusting chewing. Oh shit?! What did he just ask…ugh. This was the longest dinner ever. “I’m this and I’m that, blah blah blah..” got it dude, you’re Mr. Wonderful every woman’s dream guy. Riiight…except the fact that he legit showed enough red flags in ten minutes flat to send any chick running…stupid ass. And my dumbass was still sitting there…omgoodness, save me!! I think the manager heard my cry for help, because he came and checked on me…

As we sat there, he continued to talk about himself and how great he was at this and at that as I watched the baseball game. I really should have just left, but I didn’t want to be rude. Sometimes I can be a little too nice…

Outside in the fresh air I could breathe. I didn’t have to watch him eat anymore. Thank goodness!!! I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle without losing my shit. But then he decides to tell me I would be lucky to have a man like him, because he is nice, helpful, etc., and not one of those assholes all women go for.

Breathe, just breathe. Stop. Think. Before. Word. Vomit.

Ummm, excuse me? Word vomit happened, really bad word vomit. First of all, nobody tells me who is right or wrong for me, I make my own damn decisions fucker. Second of all, you just spent I don’t even know how long talking about yourself and how great you are in bed…what in the actual fuck…newsflash, I have hands and toys that I can use that will get me off better than your dick ever would, and the hell if I would ever let you near me. And third, just because you say you are nice doesn’t mean jack shit to me, the nice guy is usually the biggest asshole to mankind, because he is trying to prove something to everyone or has something to hide. So, take your nice, helpful you need me attitude and shove it up your ass.

And maybe these ”assholes” are assholes to him, because he’s jealous? Most women I know want someone who treats them with respect, not someone who is going to look down on them, and this guy, well he made it obvious that he looks down on women.

I do not understand why some people think that because you are a single female means you are helpless or that you need someone “nice” in your life. Maybe we are single because we meet people like this douche. Or how about we are just single, because we choose to be?

I can take care of myself. I can please myself. I can buy myself flowers. I can pay my mortgage. I have an amazing job. I have a great family and wonderful friends. If I need help with something, I will ask one of them. The list goes on.

I do not need a red flag toilet swirling douche bag chewer in my life to “help” me, because he thinks women can’t do shit on their own. I got news for you dude I am fucking powerful and I can accomplish most anything I put my mind too. And I will not hesitate to knock you on your ass with my words. Especially once you tell me I need a man, because I am a female.

Guess what?? I did knock him on his ass. Knocked him flat on his ass.