just a weed

I am standing in the middle of a field surrounded by beautiful roses. Vibrant colors, full of life, radiant. Their perfume coming at me from every direction. I could feel their thorns prickling my tender skin leaving small scars. Looking around I see that I look different. My skin is softer. I do not shine bright. I feel weak and out of place. I am just a weed in a field of gorgeous roses.

Life is all around me. It is difficult to see above me, but I can see some blue-sky peeking through the forest of green leaves, red, pink, and yellow petals. As I begin to drown, I feel a horrendous pain. Maybe this is a rescue mission. The blue-sky is now completely surrounding me and the sunshine warms my tender bruised skin. Playful laughter feels the air. Relaxation takes over my injured body and I suddenly feel limp. I felt safe, I could breathe, and was no longer surrounded by too much pain. A big gust hit me.

The laughter drifted further away as pieces of me floated away. I fought to stay together, but I was not strong enough. I was no longer whole. Shattered into hundreds of pieces across the field. As I laid scatter on the soft soil, waves of mixed emotions took over. I was completely destroyed.

The sky grew dark and released its tears. I hugged the soil to stay warm. I did not like this feeling of being lost, confused, scared, and broken. Something had to change. The rain planted me. I started to grow. Roots took depth as I developed leaves and then a beautiful yellow flower.

Pieces of me were everywhere. Over time I was destroyed by thorns, darkness that hovered above me, and then ripped apart. But over time I was able to grow again. This time I grew stronger. I adapted to the environment that I knew was waiting for me. With thicker skin, deeper roots, and more of me I could be unstoppable.

I might be just a weed among a field full of beautiful roses, but their perfume, thorns and high maintenance has made me a strong powerful unstoppable weed who shines bright like the sun, because I am not afraid to grow in uncomfortable places.  

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I see a pattern

You know what is ridiculous? People who are too afraid of their own feelings that they either ghost people, ignore a direct question, make up some sorry ass excuse, lie, or do not care who they hurt. Why is it difficult for an adult to be upfront, honest, or open with another adult? Seriously?? When did adults start acting childish? I know we all have our moments, but jeez, at some point you begin to wonder what in the actual fuck? Especially when it seems to be a pattern from several different directions.

We all know the truth hurts, but so does a lie. And newsflash…A LIE HURTS MORE WHEN THE TRUTH COMES OUT. Just saying…so how about growing a pair or pulling up the big girl panties, what ever you fancy and tell the fucking truth?

There is no need to point fingers on who did what or said what. Just own up to what you did and have the supposed “difficult” conversation. Again, people may hate what the truth is, but it is so much better than the lie that eventually unveils the truth. Tears might be shed, but oh fucking well. Guaranteed they will probably be shed with the lie or truth so big whoopy fucking do.

We get a cut, we put a Band-Aid on it, and guess what? It heals!! Oh my goodness!!! So do feelings!!! What a concept. Who would have thought!?! We pull up our big girl panties or grow a pair, maybe eat our favorite comfort food, and get over it.

To ghost someone, lie to them, make an excuse shows a person you never respected them in the first place, are afraid to face whatever challenges that might lie ahead, or that you may not be able to be honest with them at all. Or maybe it shows the lie’s told have been so tangled that one cannot remember what has already been used and what hasn’t. Chicken shit lies or ignoring someone shows true colors and makes a person a fucking dick with karma biting at the heels.

The truth is better than a lie. Everyone gets over things eventually. How do you feel when you are lied to?

Exactly my point…so why do it to someone else…fuckers.

pants on fire

I need some type of shield, protection, weapon, something that gives me a signal when a douche bag is lying to me. I mean seriously!! I should know, or you would think I would. I can always tell when my children are lying to me, but when it comes to asshole fucktards it is like I have fallen down a flight of stairs and hit my head so hard it turned me stupid!!

I have a huge heart. I trust too easy. And because of this I get destroyed like cake shoved in someone’s face on their birthday. Food fight!!! Let’s see how much we can play … yeah, I say fuck that noise…

Ever notice how when a person lies to you somehow you get blamed? Like wtf? Like for real. And somehow those type of people that lay blame on everyone else are never to blame…but if you are observant, don’t fall for their bullshit, and see the toxicity you notice small truths start to surface. Then bigger ones. Soon you have this huge web full of tangled lies that they spun all because they cannot be honest and always have to point the finger in another direction. The best part is when they realize you know the truth.

Now you have the control. It is seriously a fucking game and we are adults…I do not understand nor will I never. Grow a fucking pair. Put your big girl panties on and just be honest. Is it really that difficult? They tell you your friendship will always be the same, nothing is ever going to change, they can’t lose you…word vomit…more lies…. because let’s get real they don’t know how to tell the truth and they never will. Everything is going to change. You will probably talk less, see them less, lose other friends, and the list just continues. It will be painful.

Watch me grow, watch me smile, watch me live my happy full life, while you sit there miserable with yours. The difference? I am not afraid to admit the truth about my life, my fuck ups. I know I walk on the cliffs edge at times. But I am not afraid to admit when I screw up, when I do something wrong, when my mood flat out sucks ass, or when I just need a moment. I have been hurt over and over, as well as hurt others. Does it suck? Of course. But I learned.

My lesson, I am a mother fucking rockstar, who is surrounded by family and friends. My circle is small which is perfect. I would be silly to say I have learned all that I am going to about lies and trust, but I know I haven’t, because I am too kind and still trust too easy. I have built my walls high with a moat full of predators to keep me safe from all the weak toxic waste that lurks in the shadows. Darkness may enter here and there at different points of our lives, but we decide whether we want to allow that darkness to control us or if we want to control it. Be the light that shines through.

blessed

My oldest daughter was a life saver. I was going down a very dark path when I found out I was pregnant with her. I believe she was sent to me for a reason. If I had not gotten pregnant with her I do not know that I would be in the position that I am in today.

Today while she and I were driving we had a very interesting conversation. This conversation made me realize how blessed I am to have my children. They all have brought something special to my life and continue to do so every day.

The conversation my oldest daughter and I had today brought tears to my eyes. She told me what an amazing beautiful woman I am, that I need to take a step back and stop putting her and her siblings first, but not just them. Everyone. She said I put everyone first before myself. She said I need take care of myself, to put myself out there, and allow myself to find love again, because I deserve to be loved. I am not sure if she knew that I was crying, because I had sunglasses on, but now she does as I am sure she will read this. Her words warmed my heart as tears of joy filled my eyes.

This conversation hit me so uniquely. It touched me in a way that I do not think I was expecting it too, I really felt what she was saying, and for one of my kids to tell me “mom get out there, find someone to love you, because you deserve it” just wow.

Self-love is so important. I truly love myself and it took a long time to love who I am. But to have that person who loves you, that somebody else, that significant other that loves you is so much different than self-love. It is a love that you cannot give yourself. My daughter is right.

I have never been that person that ever needed to have that other person before, but over the last probably six months or so I have realized I want that love that I cannot give myself. I want to grow old with that someone that is going to love me for me, treat me right, be faithful, committed, and cherish me. Someone who will be proud to say this woman is mine and I am hers. I want that in my life. I want someone who is going to give me 110% like I will give to them. Someday.

I was driving when I was thinking about this post. The sun was setting. The sky was full of oranges, purples, and pinks. I am not sure what it is about Nevada skies, but wow they blow me away. They are stunning. So many emotions run through me when I watch them. They remind me that the world is still beautiful and peaceful even though there is chaos all around us. Life is like that. It has its chaotic moments but is still beautiful. I want to share my life with someone. I want to sit outside on nights like this, in the crisp fresh air, around the fire pit with someone special, with a glass of wine as the sun sets. I want that. I deserve that.

I have my daughter to thank for reminding me of that. Thank you.

crazy cat lady

You know what I love about myself? That no matter how dark things seem to be, no matter what negative twist is thrown at me, no matter what it is that enters into my bubble to bring me down I am always able to find that light, that humor, or the positive in every situation.

I have had some dark times in my life. I have had some moments that I would not want anyone to ever experience. I have had times that I thought I would never see the positive again, but here I am shining bright. Living life everyday with a beautiful smile on my face.

We all have choices. We are responsible for the decisions we make in life. These decisions take us down certain paths. We get to decide if we add the positivity or the negativity on these paths. I did not realize this when I was younger. I realized this when I was in my mid 20’s, more mature, and more focused on what was really important.

Then in the last few years so much happened. So many changes. Some dark. Some good. Some scary. But I remained positive. Focused. Sure, I had my dark depressed moments, but seriously who does not have those moments? If you say you have never had one of those moments, I am going to call bullshit! We are human. We are going to have our moments.

I feel ready for the next chapter in my life to start. But the dating world is just not going to happen. So, I have decided I am just going to become a crazy cat lady. Lol. But I promise my house will not smell like cat. I love Bath and Body Works way too much for a stinky house!! Lol. Wallflowers and candles everywhere to smother out the smell. Lol. Oh my goodness…I crack myself up.

We decide what path we walk along. Whether it is the path of happiness with green grass full of laughter and smiles or the path of darkness with tears and pain that haunts us for the decisions we made. Sometimes we decide to live a little bit of both. Devil on one shoulder, angel on the other. I have lived a life like this. I have learned so many lessons.

So, I can say I am not happy with everything I have done in my life, I have learned from them, I love who I have become, and I will for certain never become a crazy cat lady…if I do please send someone to rescue me!!! Lol. Thanks in advance!!

Sunshine and sparkles!! Put a smile on that beautiful face!!

 

 

will this fit?

Do you have one of those items, collectibles, something silly, but that you absolutely love and every time they have a new one you can not wait to purchase said new item? I am raising my hand, jumping up and down, and I am sure there is a giant neon flashing arrow above my head right now. I have a major problem when it comes to cups. You know shakers, mugs, water bottles, etc.… let’s not even count the amount that I have. My weakness is the different cups Dutch Bros sell. I have no room mind you to buy any more of these things and yet I do…no judging lol.

I often joke I need to join a Dutch Bros mug anonymous club, because it is a huge problem. But then when I look around to the people, I see every day, whether its family or friends, I realize I am not the only one with this problem.

Haha!! Yes! I am not the only one sitting here going where am I going to put this new thing? Nope it does not fit here, damn the cabinet will not close if I put it here, oh! Wait what about right here?, nope just kidding…but when I think about it, like really think about, having the issue of where the fuck is my new cup going to fit is not really that big of a deal, but maybe it is to some. Hell, the cup may have fallen and hit them on the head…lol…I know I know I am twisted. Oh well. At least I am true to me and still loved by someone out there, hehehe, maybe.

Now if that cup falls on me and its full of hot coffee or tea, fml. BUT, right now I really just need to decide where this new mug is going to fit after its done drying from its bath…

shoulda been a race car driver

I like to think I should have been a race car driver. I like to put the petal to the metal and fly. Zoom…away I go. I was always told I was precious cargo.

When that adrenaline rush starts to pump through my body as I watch the odometer creep up, 80 mph, then 90, my heart beat starts to race with it, I can hear the thump thump thump in my ears, as the rush overwhelms every inch of me. The sunroof and windows are open, the music is rattling the car as the wind rips through my hair, 100 mph.

I look up to see flashing lights…FUCK.MY.LIFE. The rush is gone. Party is over. I am now reaching for my information, searching through my suitcase of a purse for my driver’s license. Tap. Tap. Tap. I roll my window half way down. “Ma’am, do you know what you did?” I am being asked this question like I am a child being punished. I smile slightly blushing, of course I know what I did. I was full blown adrenaline rush having myself a grand old time…. “yes”. I hand over my information. UGH! This is going to be one hell of a ticket…

This great build up and for nothing…story of my fucking life. Always happens…amazing build up, hitting the peak, and BOOM! Crash! Airbags deployed, bumper falls off, I go flying then I must analyze the scene, and of course there’s no fucking fluids. FML!

The officer comes back to my vehicle, taps on the window to announce his arrival, ticket in hand with all my information. I turn my face to look in his direction. My eyes are full of tears, some sliding down my face at this point, and giant snot bubbles lingering above my upper lip. He looks at me and says “fuck”, hands me everything as he runs back to his vehicle while saying “have a nice day”, yeah, you too…

I may not be a race car driver, I may not have fluids leaking from any of the right spots…damn I need a sex life…hahaha!!!

 

Sunshine and Sparkles!!