hangry bitch

Do they make a gluten-free Snickers? Because I have been one hangry bitch lately.

My inner bitch has been at an all-time high. I try to hold it in, hide it, but it’s difficult. I know everyone can see it, feel it radiate off of me. Afterall I wear my emotions on the outside. I’m like a fucking glow stick…glowing bitch coming through…

Sometimes life gets overwhelming. We can’t always process everything into neat little boxes and stack them in organized rows…well I can’t. I am not that kind of person. I am like the White Rabbit in a four-lane highway trying not to get run over attempting to head down the rabbit hole. I freeze when the headlights shine deep into my soul and BOOM I get hit, run over, guts everywhere to the point I am this fucking major bitch nobody wants to be around. The sunshine and sparkles leave my body and the devil horns holding my halo double in size. I only seem to be nice to certain people and others better duck for cover. Sweet nice Heather has left the building.

I like to analyze what in the actual fuck caused me to act in such a horrible way. This is when I put the boxes in a some what organized ordered…still not organized, still a mess, because let’s face the truth, I run off chaos, spinning in 15 different directions at once. I’m like a first timer at Disneyland. Pretty sure I developed ADHD once I became a 911 dispatcher. Even if you read my blog, some of the entries are all over the place. Ever have a conversation with me? expect to have several in one. Lmao..it’s just who I am. I only know how to relax when I am at the beach with a drink in my hand, maybe, just kidding, I relax around the right people.

Things do not always go the way we want them too. We can hope, pray, build ourselves up to the point that when they don’t go our way, we get so upset we take it out on those closest to us. We make ourselves so sick, stressed to the point we can’t sleep or eat, and it feels like Darth Vader has a grip around our necks. We breakout, our bodies fight against us telling us to knock it off, and yet we still are our own worst enemies.

Life isn’t a Disney fairytale. I can’t sit there feeding the animals, singing to them on how wonderful life is. I love being a mom, but at times my heart breaks. I built myself up, knowing the outcome wasn’t going to be in my favor, but I was still hopeful like a princess locked in her tower. Then as I was asking the question, I was telling myself “stop you already know the answer” and as she sat there not wanting to look me in the eye, she gave me her answer. I looked away so she couldn’t see the tears fill my eyes. That was just the start…my sadness grew into anger as every little thing around me started to bother me. “you need to do this before you get hurt, do that, why are you doing this…” seriously I didn’t know that everyone else was in charge of my life.

I sat frozen in the headlights. Just sitting there. Hearing everything that was going on around me, but not wanting to participate, because I knew the words wouldn’t come out right. I knew I would sound like a hate filled soulless empty monster if I opened my mouth. I had to remain chill so the vomit wouldn’t spew from my lips. Everyone knew I had something to say. Oh well. I didn’t sleep. The stress, the lack of words, the anger kept me tossing and turning. The feeling of not belonging anywhere, lost, hurt, the anger, it was all too much for me to handle. I felt broken. I was too angry to cry that night.

 Turning my alarm off before it annoyed me was becoming a new habit. I was in such a stellar mood…as if…I was worse than normal. I would have made the perfect Grumpy. The day dragged to make it even worse; I am sure it was punishing me for my behavior for the week. Laughing at me for being such a bitch. Even when I left, I wasn’t okay. I was angry.

I just wanted to cry to release all the emotion building inside me. I got home and snapped at my teenage daughter like she was in the fast lane driving at a snail’s pace. I decided I needed to burn in hell. In the scolding hot shower, the tears rolled down my cheeks. Fucking finally! Seriously, sometimes a good cry helps!

Things usually don’t bother me like this. I am the type to let things roll off me, knowing I can’t control the universe, knowing karma will catch those that deserve it, and I always find the light in the darkest moments. I am the one that shines and brings the sparkles to people’s day, but here I was, dark, gloomy like Eeyore. Lost.

Later words were shared, hugs given and I knew everything was going to be okay. I finally slept, like Sleeping Beauty waiting for Prince Phillip’s kiss. I woke up not to my alarm, but not from my stress either, I woke up next to someone who cares deeply, who woke me in a caring gentle way.

Finally, I felt more like myself than I have in days. I might have been like the White Rabbit in traffic for a few days at work and around certain people, but I think when the boxes pile up, the stack gets too high, we get overwhelmed with the chaos of the environment, and we can’t handle it all, because we are afraid of what will happen when we clean up the mess or face our feelings on situations occurring in our personal lives. Instead of being a rabbit in the headlights, spinning uncontrollably, or choking on life it is important to remind ourselves we need to breathe, we have to look at the positives and remember we are cared about. We need to rely and go to those who care and love us when we need it most, before we hop on Mr. Toads Wild Ride.

PS…I need some Disneyland….