batteries. a single girls bff

A couple of years ago I told a close friend of mine “if I ever tell you I want to be in a relationship again smack me.” I was not being serious or maybe at the time I was. I was full of all kinds of different emotions when we had this conversation. Who really wants to be single for the rest of their life, especially in their thirties? Apparently, me!! And by saying this, I feel like the world listened, because I feel cursed, jinxed, whatever you want to call it. And why? Oh, you know just to prove a fucking point…like haha eat your words Heather!!!

Here I am, almost 36, and single. My toys and I have become great friends, BFF’s. In fact, I should probably add batteries to my shopping list. I have always been very independent. I am completely okay with being single, but sometimes the thought crosses my mind of “shit what if I live until I am 90”. That’s a shit ton of time to be alone and not in a relationship. So yeah in reality it would be nice to have that person to be able to snuggle up with at the end of the day, lay next to in bed, enjoy “streaming and chill” evenings, and of course have more than just my “BFF”.

So here I sit, asking myself, “did I jinx myself”? Or maybe I am just so independent I scare grown men away? Or the dating scene has just changed so much I do not know how to play the game? But dating should not be a game…but on a lighter funnier note I think my “prince charming” is just fucking lost, trying to navigate his way to me, but like me; north, east, south, and west are confusing as all hell and he needs landmarks instead…just follow the trail of toys!!!

Someday my prince will….nah, I just need to replace my batteries sooner than later.

rod filled flesh rocket

I often use my voice memos app on my phone if I am driving and I get an idea for my blog. The other day was beautiful outside, so I am driving with my sunroof open and windows down when I am recording ideas for this entry. I am sitting at a red light when another vehicle pulls up next to me with their windows down as well. I swear this was the longest light ever, but I enjoyed how much the female driver blushed as she obviously was listening to me. Enjoy!!!

The other night I was sitting around with family drinking margaritas, making tacos, and somehow, we started talking about sex changes, ball slapping sex, and strap ons.

Let’s back up to the beginning. Has everyone seen the meme with Bruce Jenner about calling him a Tranpa? (omg this makes me a horrible person, but oh well I am already going to hell) Okay, so now supposedly he is dating a female. So, we were trying to think about what that would be called, remember we were drinking, lol, and somehow this led to using vagina flesh to have sex changes possible.

Alright, so now, here we are, talking about sex changes out of vagina flesh, wondering how and the hell this new define penis gets hard…supposedly in the 80’s, not sure if this still happens, but you would insert a rod…ummmm….could you imagine your partner inserting a rod into your penis to make you hard? What if they got mad at you and decided to insert this rod all the way??? Ouch!!! Mother fucker would be calling 911 as your vajayjay penis is gushing blood. Or what if you decided to ride your partner a little too fast and hard and the rod went through and got you on the inside of your vajayjay?? Seriously, all I could see was the bad in this rod flesh rocket deal. I can not imagine this would be comfortable at all, but then again who knows.

At this point it might be safer to nix the change and just wear a strap on?? Idk. The thoughts were running wild at this point and they were ridiculous. We were laughing so hard I am sure my Apple watch pick it up as an exercise. Lmao.

So, I am assuming with the rod flesh rocket and the strap on there would be no ball slapping sex. People need some ball slapping sex in their lives sometimes. Right? Lol…of course while having this conversation I so made the sound with my hands…

Curiosity gets the best of people sometimes, add alcohol, a stressful week, and just some good old humor to the mix and the conversations can take an interesting twist. We were not even playing Cards Against Humanity to get this ball rolling. Guess we are just fucked up. Eh oh well. Loving life.

shoulda been a race car driver

I like to think I should have been a race car driver. I like to put the petal to the metal and fly. Zoom…away I go. I was always told I was precious cargo.

When that adrenaline rush starts to pump through my body as I watch the odometer creep up, 80 mph, then 90, my heart beat starts to race with it, I can hear the thump thump thump in my ears, as the rush overwhelms every inch of me. The sunroof and windows are open, the music is rattling the car as the wind rips through my hair, 100 mph.

I look up to see flashing lights…FUCK.MY.LIFE. The rush is gone. Party is over. I am now reaching for my information, searching through my suitcase of a purse for my driver’s license. Tap. Tap. Tap. I roll my window half way down. “Ma’am, do you know what you did?” I am being asked this question like I am a child being punished. I smile slightly blushing, of course I know what I did. I was full blown adrenaline rush having myself a grand old time…. “yes”. I hand over my information. UGH! This is going to be one hell of a ticket…

This great build up and for nothing…story of my fucking life. Always happens…amazing build up, hitting the peak, and BOOM! Crash! Airbags deployed, bumper falls off, I go flying then I must analyze the scene, and of course there’s no fucking fluids. FML!

The officer comes back to my vehicle, taps on the window to announce his arrival, ticket in hand with all my information. I turn my face to look in his direction. My eyes are full of tears, some sliding down my face at this point, and giant snot bubbles lingering above my upper lip. He looks at me and says “fuck”, hands me everything as he runs back to his vehicle while saying “have a nice day”, yeah, you too…

I may not be a race car driver, I may not have fluids leaking from any of the right spots…damn I need a sex life…hahaha!!!

 

Sunshine and Sparkles!!