blessed

My oldest daughter was a life saver. I was going down a very dark path when I found out I was pregnant with her. I believe she was sent to me for a reason. If I had not gotten pregnant with her I do not know that I would be in the position that I am in today.

Today while she and I were driving we had a very interesting conversation. This conversation made me realize how blessed I am to have my children. They all have brought something special to my life and continue to do so every day.

The conversation my oldest daughter and I had today brought tears to my eyes. She told me what an amazing beautiful woman I am, that I need to take a step back and stop putting her and her siblings first, but not just them. Everyone. She said I put everyone first before myself. She said I need take care of myself, to put myself out there, and allow myself to find love again, because I deserve to be loved. I am not sure if she knew that I was crying, because I had sunglasses on, but now she does as I am sure she will read this. Her words warmed my heart as tears of joy filled my eyes.

This conversation hit me so uniquely. It touched me in a way that I do not think I was expecting it too, I really felt what she was saying, and for one of my kids to tell me “mom get out there, find someone to love you, because you deserve it” just wow.

Self-love is so important. I truly love myself and it took a long time to love who I am. But to have that person who loves you, that somebody else, that significant other that loves you is so much different than self-love. It is a love that you cannot give yourself. My daughter is right.

I have never been that person that ever needed to have that other person before, but over the last probably six months or so I have realized I want that love that I cannot give myself. I want to grow old with that someone that is going to love me for me, treat me right, be faithful, committed, and cherish me. Someone who will be proud to say this woman is mine and I am hers. I want that in my life. I want someone who is going to give me 110% like I will give to them. Someday.

I was driving when I was thinking about this post. The sun was setting. The sky was full of oranges, purples, and pinks. I am not sure what it is about Nevada skies, but wow they blow me away. They are stunning. So many emotions run through me when I watch them. They remind me that the world is still beautiful and peaceful even though there is chaos all around us. Life is like that. It has its chaotic moments but is still beautiful. I want to share my life with someone. I want to sit outside on nights like this, in the crisp fresh air, around the fire pit with someone special, with a glass of wine as the sun sets. I want that. I deserve that.

I have my daughter to thank for reminding me of that. Thank you.

rod filled flesh rocket

I often use my voice memos app on my phone if I am driving and I get an idea for my blog. The other day was beautiful outside, so I am driving with my sunroof open and windows down when I am recording ideas for this entry. I am sitting at a red light when another vehicle pulls up next to me with their windows down as well. I swear this was the longest light ever, but I enjoyed how much the female driver blushed as she obviously was listening to me. Enjoy!!!

The other night I was sitting around with family drinking margaritas, making tacos, and somehow, we started talking about sex changes, ball slapping sex, and strap ons.

Let’s back up to the beginning. Has everyone seen the meme with Bruce Jenner about calling him a Tranpa? (omg this makes me a horrible person, but oh well I am already going to hell) Okay, so now supposedly he is dating a female. So, we were trying to think about what that would be called, remember we were drinking, lol, and somehow this led to using vagina flesh to have sex changes possible.

Alright, so now, here we are, talking about sex changes out of vagina flesh, wondering how and the hell this new define penis gets hard…supposedly in the 80’s, not sure if this still happens, but you would insert a rod…ummmm….could you imagine your partner inserting a rod into your penis to make you hard? What if they got mad at you and decided to insert this rod all the way??? Ouch!!! Mother fucker would be calling 911 as your vajayjay penis is gushing blood. Or what if you decided to ride your partner a little too fast and hard and the rod went through and got you on the inside of your vajayjay?? Seriously, all I could see was the bad in this rod flesh rocket deal. I can not imagine this would be comfortable at all, but then again who knows.

At this point it might be safer to nix the change and just wear a strap on?? Idk. The thoughts were running wild at this point and they were ridiculous. We were laughing so hard I am sure my Apple watch pick it up as an exercise. Lmao.

So, I am assuming with the rod flesh rocket and the strap on there would be no ball slapping sex. People need some ball slapping sex in their lives sometimes. Right? Lol…of course while having this conversation I so made the sound with my hands…

Curiosity gets the best of people sometimes, add alcohol, a stressful week, and just some good old humor to the mix and the conversations can take an interesting twist. We were not even playing Cards Against Humanity to get this ball rolling. Guess we are just fucked up. Eh oh well. Loving life.

Life is a game board

Game boards have pieces, dices, and spaces you move. Life can be like a game board. You roll the dice every morning. You get to decide if you take steps forwards or backwards. Sometimes we do not always like what we see lying in front of us, so we decide to take the easy way and step backwards. Why do we do this to ourselves? We know there are speed bumps in life, dips, unpaved roads, roads that lead to the unknown. If we keep running scared of the unknown how will we ever know whether what lies ahead is positive? Simple, we will not. So, we roll the dice every morning, we land on a number. We get to decide whether we take these steps forward or backwards. I want to keep moving forward in my life. Life is too short to go backwards. I do not want to hide in the shadows. I want to shine bright. We all should want to shine bright, show the world what we have to offer, and not be afraid of what lies ahead of us.

I think so many of us are afraid of what everyone will think of us and we base our decisions off this. It is sad if you really think about it. I do not want to live my life like this. I want to live my life and not worry about what everyone thinks of me. People will judge no matter what, so I am going to take those steps forward, through whatever hazard lies in my way and face it head on. By facing my challenges head on it only helps me grow stronger.

I have realized through the steps I have taken lately that when things get muddy, I can allow myself to fall or I can keep myself strong and figure out how to get through it. I have my family and friends, my life lines, to help me. It is okay to reach out when you need them. There is no shame in having a support system. My life lines help me get through the challenges I face. I am thankful I have them.

One challenge I have overcome in this muddy step is realizing my worth. Life may be like a game board, but I am no toy. I know what I bring to the table. I know what I offer. I know what challenges one must face to reach me. My walls are high for a reason and occasionally I am stupid and let them down, but then reality kicks in and I remember why I need them.

Life may be like a game board, one that we are all still trying to figure out, each day we face new challenges, but each step we take forward allows us to grow as a person. We get to decide what kind of person we want to be. Do we want to be the person that makes life more of a challenge? Maybe we want to be the person that is not afraid to face anything that comes our way? Or we may simply be the person that strolls along enjoying each step, day by day, as the sunshine fills their world, taking whatever comes their way with a grain of salt knowing that the day is what you make it?

Are you willing to roll the dice and jump into the rabbit hole head first? Life is after all what you make it. We are all responsible for our own chapters. Live.

crazy cat lady

You know what I love about myself? That no matter how dark things seem to be, no matter what negative twist is thrown at me, no matter what it is that enters into my bubble to bring me down I am always able to find that light, that humor, or the positive in every situation.

I have had some dark times in my life. I have had some moments that I would not want anyone to ever experience. I have had times that I thought I would never see the positive again, but here I am shining bright. Living life everyday with a beautiful smile on my face.

We all have choices. We are responsible for the decisions we make in life. These decisions take us down certain paths. We get to decide if we add the positivity or the negativity on these paths. I did not realize this when I was younger. I realized this when I was in my mid 20’s, more mature, and more focused on what was really important.

Then in the last few years so much happened. So many changes. Some dark. Some good. Some scary. But I remained positive. Focused. Sure, I had my dark depressed moments, but seriously who does not have those moments? If you say you have never had one of those moments, I am going to call bullshit! We are human. We are going to have our moments.

I feel ready for the next chapter in my life to start. But the dating world is just not going to happen. So, I have decided I am just going to become a crazy cat lady. Lol. But I promise my house will not smell like cat. I love Bath and Body Works way too much for a stinky house!! Lol. Wallflowers and candles everywhere to smother out the smell. Lol. Oh my goodness…I crack myself up.

We decide what path we walk along. Whether it is the path of happiness with green grass full of laughter and smiles or the path of darkness with tears and pain that haunts us for the decisions we made. Sometimes we decide to live a little bit of both. Devil on one shoulder, angel on the other. I have lived a life like this. I have learned so many lessons.

So, I can say I am not happy with everything I have done in my life, I have learned from them, I love who I have become, and I will for certain never become a crazy cat lady…if I do please send someone to rescue me!!! Lol. Thanks in advance!!

Sunshine and sparkles!! Put a smile on that beautiful face!!

 

 

i can buy my own damn flowers

There comes a time in life when you realize you do not need that other person in life to buy those flowers sitting in the vase, the diamonds on your fingers, neck, or where ever you choose to wear them on your body, the vehicle you drive, the food that fills your refrigerator and lines your cabinets; you can dress sexy, put on makeup, have your hair on point all for just you. There are no rules saying you need that special someone to buy you luxury things or flowers. Fuck that shit. Buy that shit for yourself. Be a mother fucking badass and buy it for yourself. Hell, even if you are in a relationship and you are at the store and see a beautiful arrangement of flowers buy them! You deserve them! You work your ass off! If you do not respect yourself and show you are a mother fucking badass do you think anyone else will? No! respect starts from within. Respect yourself, others will follow. Remember treat others how you want to be treated. You want to be treated with respect? Better respect yourself as well. So, if you are walking round with your vagina hanging out and you wonder why you are being treating like a whore…. enough said.

I am a beautiful strong mother fucking woman who is not afraid to look myself in the mirror and admit when I am broken, when I am afraid, when I exhausted, when I am fed up, when I need help (asking for it is a different story), when I need to lift myself up, when I need to tell myself I am a sexy beast (yes I do this, because selflove is a real thing), when I judge myself, when I destroy myself, and when I need to remind myself that I am a strong beautiful amazing mother, daughter, sister, friend, person, and woman.

I have had a rough couple of weeks. I have been down. I had a handful of strong women reel me back in, so thankful I have them in my life, and a couple of really close guy friends who also helped remind me that I am a badass. During this time, I came across this pin on Pinterest that said something along that lines of knowing when you are wanted, knowing what you are wanted for, and waiting for the one you deserve. This really hit home on so many levels. It not only was an eye opener, but it made me think about all my relationships with men. Just wow!

I have gone through life allowing many many men to use me as candy. Unwrap me, use me, throw me away, tell your friends how tasty I was, and the cycle starts with someone new. I was so stupid, but the sad part is, so many of us are. And yet we allow it to continue and let this cycle spin on repeat like a broken washing machine.

I know my worth. I know what I bring to the table. I know how hard I love.

After I thought about all of this it hurt. It was a hard dose of reality to swallow, like a sour ball of cum, but instead of spitting it out I swallowed. I looked myself in the mirror and said, “you know what, fuck that shit”.

“Fuck that shit” has really become my new mantra. And I am perfectly okay with that. So, I continued to look at myself and decided I am not a piece of candy. I am not some booty call. You want a one-night stand, a booty call, any of that, then I am not your girl. I have toys and my hands and can please myself probably better than any man can…

As I was saying you do not need that someone special in your life to spoil yourself. You are a badass and can do it yourself. Go out and buy those flowers or that piece of jewelry you have been eyeing. Put on that beautiful dress or outfit, do your hair and makeup, take a selfie, post it, show yourself off to the world, use those annoying hashtags, and do not forget to smile. Shine bright for you and nobody else.

The raw truth is I do not need a man to make myself happy. I can make myself happy. Sunshine and Sparkles.

 

 

 

 

 

Nah, I don’t think so

*****warning warning*****this contains cussing*****last chance to stop reading*****you have been warned*****

 

 

I was in a super dark place. It was overwhelming me, choking me, and swallowing me whole. I said fuck that shit. I knew that I could get through it, because I have an amazing support system. Everybody needs to kiss my ass that does not support me, that wants me to be under their control, or that wants to see me fail, because I say fuck you…

That is right you read that correctly. If you cannot be supporting and only want information from me because you are a dirty cum sucking whore, then fuck you…

If you contact me only to use me for whatever game you want to play in your boring life, then fuck you…

If you pretend to like me to my face, but then decide to stab me in the back, then fuck you…

If you only follow me on my social media pages to live your life through mine, then fuck you…

But if you truly care for me, love who I am deep down inside, and have my back through it all then you should already know I love you and care about you too. I will be there for you as well and will continue to share my sunshine and sparkles with you. I will shine bright.

So, you might be sitting there going what in the actual fuck is going on.

It has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster the last few weeks and with the lack of sleep it had put me in a mood…but I survived. I powered on and got through it. It helps if you finally get a good amount of sleep. Who knew? Lol…

I do not suggest operating on three hours of sleep. It does nobody any good. I could literally see it on my face, I mean I still can, but it was way worse. I was not shining bright, I looked like death, and just blah. I was wearing my emotions across my face. My eyes were puffy from the loads of waterfalls that came from my eyes.

You might be wondering why I am sitting here admitting that I was in that place. But I told you this is a place where I will be honest and raw. Why hide? Because someone might judge me? Oh, fucking well. Judge away. I can not worry about what others think of me or say about me. That is no way for a person to live their life. I want to live how I see fit. Not the way the world thinks I should, because someone’s feelings might get hurt. It is ridiculous that society has become full of pussies. Grow a pair of balls and stop being afraid.

How is anyone going to be happy in their own skin, with their own life if they continue to hold back because of someone else’s thoughts about them? Maybe we should feel sorry for those that feel the need to constantly talk bad about other people and walk around like a dull star, because I personally think those are the most miserable people. You know the one’s that want to bring everyone down around them…nope not in my world. I say fuck that shit.

Sure, I have judged people, we all do. But I will not bring someone down because I am bored in life. No, I have decided a while ago to live to my fullest. To shine, to smile everyday no matter what, to be happy, and not to let anyone control my happiness. But these past couple weeks I slipped, fell, hit my head on every surface on the way down to the damp cold numbness that darkness brings. And today I decided to say fuck that shit.

I am going to refocus and make sure this does not happen again. I love life way too fucking much to allow this. I will continue to shine, share my happiness, smile, be strong for my family, and send sparkles everywhere.

Sunshine and sparkles!!

food baby

Over the last eight weeks I have been competing in a fitness bikini challenge. This is the last week. I had to take updated pictures by today. I knew that it was going to be impossible to take my pictures today, because the kids and I were going to be leaving in the morning for vacation. So last night I told the kids I need to take new pictures. My eight-year-old daughter instantly volunteered. (she has been my little photographer the last several months.) I go and get dressed, my make up on, and fix my hair. My 12 year-old daughter sees me and tells me what an awesome job I have done and how proud she is of me….melts my heart. I love that my kids have gotten so involved in supported me in this challenge. My son goes running with me and when I feel like I can not keep going he runs alongside me and tells me I can. How did I get so lucky?

I also wanted to take my photos last night because hello road trip means non-stop stuffing my face…so then of course I stuff my face and instant food baby!!! Ugh!!! This thought is running through my head the whole time I am having my youngest daughter take my pictures last night. Not to mention I have been giving at least 60-75% each week to get into shape. The last thing I need everyone to think is I am prego!!! Hell no!!! tubes be tied….not only that but you have to have sex to make a baby, duh!! No sex life here…hahaha!!! TMI, I know.

I was trying not to laugh during this little photo shoot, because that is exactly what it turned into. My girls had me to pose this way and that way. It was a fun way to spend part of the evening even though we should have been packing for our trip. But anyways I am trying not laugh, because I have this image of a food baby developing in my belly and whether I had one at that current moment. Then I instantly went to thinking people are going to think I am pregnant, but no sex life…and I just mentally lost control. I knew if I started to laugh out loud I would have to explain why and I did not know how I would explain that to my eight year-old let alone my 15 year-old son, who would probably roll his eyes, and they would end up getting stuck in his head, just my luck. Oh, the fun life I live. I am sure he would have also turned beet red, haha!!!

Now that we are checked into our hotel I am glad I took my pictures yesterday, because major food baby going on right now. I snacked, healthy, the whole time just to try and stay awake. The road was getting to me, not to mention I thought it might be a good idea to try and listen to an audio book. MAJOR FAIL!!! I do not know how people can do that while driving. It was zzzzzz time for me. I had to stop at the first rest stop and attempt to wake myself up. Nothing was working. I even smacked myself a few times…so naturally I snacked for eight hours…just stuffed my face. I drank an energy drink thinking, “hey this says max strength I should wake right up” yeah ok, lies!!! But we made it safe, had to pay to use a toilet, ask for straws (sorry I use straws) people just need to stop littering and the turtles will be fine, and now its after 11 pm and guess what??? I am wide awake….mother fucker….