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FML

Laughter. It’s supposed to cure everything, but it doesn’t fix everything. Sure, it helps in the moment. It is better than letting the tears fall down my fucking cheeks…AGAIN. But here I sit. Laughed my ass off for a moment, shook my head, and walked back in the house to face the never-ending disaster.

Sweating like a fucking pig at night is wonderful. Let me tell you, NOT! But that is what happens when the air conditioner decides it wants to stop working in the middle of the summer. I just love sleeping in a pool of sweat, said no one ever! I knew I needed to change the air filter and silly me bought the wrong size. YES! Way to go…sooo shopping trip…and I have a blonde moment and can’t put the stupid thing in.

I have a lake in my kitchen. Don’t even have to drive anywhere. Let me set up my beach chair, umbrella, and lay out my towel…I just need a sun light to keep my tan going, because I don’t have skin like my siblings…

FML…things happen in three’s right…

I sound like I am a whiny little bitch right now…oh fucking well. Maybe I need to whine, maybe I need to cry, maybe I just need to yell and scream my fucking head off, because I am frustrated with a lot of different things right now…like currently my foot keeps cramping…my toes look fucked up, and I want to cry, because I am in pain, but I won’t instead I am going to write one long ass sentence whining like a baby back bitch internally laughing at myself.

I like that I am able to laugh at myself and the shit that happens in my life, because my life has been an on and off shit storm. But I am proud of myself, because I am able to handle the shit that is thrown my way. Sure, I may cry, I may get frustrated, I might need to be held tight, vent, but guess what? I am fucking human…I am not perfect and I would never want to be.

I have been through shit. Who hasn’t? but we can either let it define us or we can hold our heads high, roll with the punches, laugh, and keep on finding the light in the darkness that rolls in with the storms.

I know I have my moments when I can’t find the light in the darkness, but I have love that is my strength in my weak moments that lifts me up, gives me strength, and keeps me going.

Laughter, sunshine, and mother fucking sparkles…

BUT i am beautiful

I am beautiful.

I will never have giant tits…unless they are fake,

I might always have a mom belly,

 I have stretch marks,

 My skin is no longer “beautiful”, because of my autoimmune disease

 My curves are itty bitty.

 BUT I see myself as sexy.

I am not filtered or censored,

 What you see is what you get.

 I will never look like a model or the girls on only fans, tv, or in magazines,

BUT I am beautiful.

 You see what you get.

I am a mom.

 My stretch marks reflect nine months of three different times growing a child within me,

 I am blessed.

But I am not what men drool over on social media

 I am me.

Down to earth.

 Simple.

 Beautiful.

Real.

I am a woman who loves herself,

 I wear what I want,

 I do not care what others think,

 I will stand up for myself,

 My mouth is foul.

 I am not perfect.

 I can pay my own way.

 I love life.

 I see the light in the darkness.

 I am loved.

 I am beautiful from the inside out.

I use no filters to shine bright or show my beauty.

My skin is not perfect.

I am not a model.

BUT I am beautiful.

Strong.

I am a mother.

I shine bright and light my little world by being just me.

 I make no apologies for who I am.

 I may not have large curves or be sexy like those who are airbrushed, but I am real.

I work hard for the body I have.

I love me,

that is all that matters.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

There are times when we judge ourselves, because of what we see on TV, social media, or in person. But this is life. This is how we have lived for a long time. First it was Barbie’s body, then it was the models we saw in the magazines. We continue to grow up and still compare ourselves, even though we know we shouldn’t and know that we are beautiful in our ways. Our parents, family, and friends can tell us time and time again that we are gorgeous and beautiful, and we can tell ourselves, but if we aren’t strong enough to believe it, we will always compare ourselves. If we are strong enough will we believe it? Maybe on certain days, but we are human and we have our faults and bad days. Those bad days no matter how much we tell ourselves we are beautiful or strong we will not feel it. It is just part of life.

I love who I am. I love my personality, my smile, my humor, just everything about me. Do I have faults? fuck yes. But we all do. I am a firm believer that your personality makes you radiate from the inside out. We can be drop dead gorgeous, but if we are ugly on the inside, we shine ugly on the outside.

Are there things I hate about myself? Of course. I hate what my autoimmune disease has done to my body. It has changed my self confidence tremendously. This is something I have realized a lot lately. I hate that about myself. My bestie told me I have the biggest balls she has ever seen…lmao. But lately I feel I have lost that about myself. I feel weak. It is difficult for me to admit that, because I have come such a long way the last several years. The way my disease has changed my body has affected me more that I realized.

There are things I am still working on. I have said them in previous posts. My walls. They are definitely getting smaller which I am so proud of, you have no idea. And my moat…well the prey has left and now you can relax on a float while working on your tan. So, I am strong in parts of my little world and weak in others. Now if I could just be strong in all of my little world, I would be unstoppable.

I am beautiful. I am fucking beautiful. I love me. I am blessed. I have been through hell and back. I am lucky to be alive right now. I almost died. I am a survivor. I may hate parts of my body, but I am beautiful. I shine bright. I see past the darkness. I do not make apologies for who I am. I might be weak in areas of my life and strong in others, but I am working on myself always for the better, because I want to continue to a beautiful mother, woman, and role model.

We may always compare ourselves to those we see on TV, in magazines, or on social media, unfortunately that’s life. It’s how we grew up. WE are all beautiful in our own unique ways. Just because we don’t see ourselves as a goddess in our own eyes doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t. Love yourself always. You are BEAUTIFUL.

Sunshine and sparkles.  

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Sleepless nights

I recently had to revisit my past. It wasn’t easy at all. Emotions were brought up that I had forgotten. Thoughts and memories that I had hidden in the back of my mind came rushing back. Sleepless nights. Tossing and turning. Fears. The sounds. Tears would slide down my cheeks as I cried myself silently to sleep. I felt broken all over again.

It took me years to rebuild myself. Fear of dark corners, hotels, pillows and blankets over my face, and people thinking I was lying about my story. There are times when the PTSD still hits out of nowhere and rocks me to the core. Even though it’s been almost 20 years. An emotional roller coaster, one that took everything I wanted, one that I allowed to control me for longer than I should have, but even if it happened now, I would probably be the same emotional mess, just older, stronger, and able to handle it a little different.

But as I was rebuilding myself from a horrible event, I never thought I would face I was facing another battle. Ugh…what in the hell…I felt as though I was living in hell. I kept asking myself what I did to deserve the things I was going through. I repeated over and over again that there is a reason for everything…this seemed to help me get through. Even if I didn’t understand it at the time.

I was a survivor. For some reason I just kept pushing through all the shit, the hell, the pain, and ended up stronger every single time. Still wasn’t sure why.

More hell. Fuck my life. But I will survive. I have time and time again. This was a different kind of hell though. I lost friends. I lost people that I thought cared about me, that I cared about. People lied to my face constantly.  

Eye openers were happening all around me, but I was not paying attention. Instead I decided to ignore all the signs that I should have paid attention too and kept telling myself things would change. Of course, they did not change, they got worse.

As things seemed to get worse, I grew stronger, which did not help. I began to become independent and realized my worth. This was great for me, but felt like a threat in my environment. I had to make decisions. Stay strong, grow stronger or go back into my shell and hide everything I felt.

At this point I had some amazing people that helped me stay strong and keep pushing myself to heal and stay positive. And this time I was ready to see to all the red flags. I could see them like neon signs. They were bright, flashing, in my face telling me to pay attention for my own benefit.

I was finally this strong, beautiful, confident woman. I felt unstoppable, but I still had moments of weakness. Who does not have those moments? We all do. We are human. Not a single one of us is perfect. I know some people hide their emotions and think that it is for the best, but I am not the person that can hide. I wear them on the outside. Everyone can see them. I used to hate that, but now I see it as a strength. I am not able to hide anymore. I am called out on my bluff when I do try. This was challenging for me and honestly still is, but it is something I am still working on.

I like that I am able to admit I am not perfect, that I have things I am still working on in life even at the age of 37. I have had to walk on eggshells, I have had to have plans I never thought I would, I have had to pretend I was okay when I was not, I have swallowed more feelings than I care to admit, I have PTSD, and I am still learning to be open and trust easily, but it is difficult to trust and be open for me. I have been open and trusted easily and it hurt me big time. I told myself I will never open up again immediately, that I will slowly open up as I learn to trust the people in my life. I closed doors, closed up, built giant walls. But I am learning how to open up again, to let my walls down. I am doing well, but still not as well as I would like.

As I reflect on my past, I realize I am the way I am for many different reasons. There are things I never thought I would face in life when I was younger, but I faced them, I survived. Because I am a survivor, I have been able to help others, inspire them with my life experiences, and show people that no matter what you go through you can get through it while shining bright.

As a teenager I saw my life going a whole different direction, but it did not. I am not living where I thought I would, I do not have the career I thought I was going to have, I do not have the life I thought I would, but right now, in this current moment I can say I am happy. That even though I would never want to go through the things I have faced again, I am happy that I have, because my experiences have made me who I am, and have allowed me to have things in my life that I did not think I would, and this makes me okay with the pain, the hurt, and the memories.  

Fear. It is one of those funny things. It can sometimes hold us back or make us do things we regret. My fear is if I let my walls down any further, I will regret it, because I am afraid of scaring people away. I have been told I will not, but my past tells me otherwise.

I need to stop being afraid of getting hurt and let those that care in. I have let my walls start to fall, as they fall, I am letting more out, but there is still hesitation, and the hesitation is a weakness I hope to overcome soon, because I have no reason to be afraid anymore. I have things I need to work on, which I am, and I am still learning, but life is a continuous lesson. I hope that as I continue to learn throughout my life that I will continue to grow as a person.

I am strong, but still weak. I still have issues. Remember nobody is perfect. We all have things we stare at, but refuse to face. We all have fears that scare us beyond belief, but we hope to get past them one day. We all worry about small things we have no control over. We have all survived some kind of event in our lives that changed us in ways we never thought possible.

 It is up to us on whether or not to let these things control us and our life, or whether we take our life into our hands and take control of it. I decided to take control.

I survived the things I have for a reason. I still do not understand the reason for all that I have gone through, but I am finally okay with that. I have realized that the things I do understand I survived them, because I needed to go through them to help others.

Life is what we make it. We have the power. No matter what I go through I continue to stay strong and shine bright. I hope that I can pass that onto my children. I hope that they see me as a role model, someone they can look up too, and know that even when things get tough there is always a reason, one they may not have the answer to immediately, but that they will be okay and that they always have me to help them get through it and to help them stay positive.  

Revisiting the past was difficult. I lost nights of sleep, felt weak, but being able to reflect and share has helped me see just how far I have come in life. The tears slid down my cheeks, covered my pillow, as I shook with more emotion than I could handle I was held tight. In this moment I knew I didn’t have to be strong alone. I have an amazing support system. When we go through tough times, feel weak, sometimes we need extra strength. We need to be able to lean on those who care about us most. Never be afraid to lean.

Sunshine and Sparkles.

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no straight lines

Sometimes I just start typing and the words just flow. I literally have no clue where the words will take me, but I end up creating a messy masterpiece that I enjoy reading and sharing. Sometimes my writing even gives me an insight as to what is bothering me or even helps me organize the jumbled mess of thoughts rolling around inside my head; my thoughts are like my conversations…lol. Too many at once.

Like right now I have these thoughts, these words, all these different things I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs…BUT I can’t…why?? Well, first of all I STILL SOUND LIKE A FUCKING MOUSE and can’t yell, I can hardly fucking talk, and second, because I am too fucking adult…ugh why must I be mature at times? BAHAHA…OH that’s right, because I am 37 and decided growing up was the smart thing to do. So instead I sit here typing on my laptop, hearing the clicking on my keys, the silence from my mousy voice, even though I am screaming from the inside, laughing at my childish thoughts as I act adult…

Adulting fucking sucks sometimes. I would never want to go back to being a kid or teen, but fuck, there are times when I just want to be so juvenile. I guess that is why we drink, party, get shit faced at times as adults, those are our juvenile moments. Those are the moments we can act like complete idiots and be immature dumb fucks as long as we don’t take it too far, right? I mean who doesn’t like to lean over the trash can or toilet every now and again vomiting up their guts like they did as a teenager or go to bed with the room spinning like a carnival ride, and not to mention the morning after hangover…the greasy ass breakfast with the Bloody Mary or Mimosa. For sure worth all of it, right?? Just don’t forget to hydrate and you’ll be all good…hehe.

And what about the bills, chores, and the responsibilities…fuck a duck. Like seriously. Who told us being an adult was fun? Oh wait, I was told to slow down, you don’t want to grow up too fast, and in all seriousness, I couldn’t wait to be a “grown-up”. WTF was I thinking? Obviously, I wasn’t.

And now with mini me’s of my own it’s like do you give them the same advice, “slow the fuck down, adulting sucks ass, and life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!!” LOL…nope, you hope that you have taught them well enough that they will be able to survive this “adulting” shit and that you did the best you can, lol, just kidding. But seriously, my kids, they are close to being on their own, well at least one, the other two are getting closer, and all I can do is hope that I can teach them to slow down just a little and enjoy their teenage years without giving me too many more gray hairs, because seriously getting those things covered cost a shit ton. I should start making them pay for my salon visits…hmmmm…HAHAHA!!!

Sometimes adulting can suck, but sometimes it can be tons of fun. It just depends on how you look at it and what you are doing at the moment. Deciding to grow up was the best decision I could have made and I know that. When I want to scream, shout, and say the things that I know I should not say I call my bestie and we have laughs, lots of them, and sometimes we laugh so much we cry. But right now, without my voice these conversations are difficult and that fucking sucks donkey balls. So, for now I write…

Sunshine and mother fucking sparkles.

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damn walls

My walls have been massive tall giants for a very long time. At one point I even built a super deep moat around my walls to protect myself. But now I am sitting here, well I am usually standing there, when he looks into my soul, and can see what is floating around in my head or can feel the vibes radiating off my body. He gives me this smirk, because he knows it drives me crazy, but I don’t want him to stop. I like that he isn’t afraid to call me out on all my shit. But my fucking walls…UGH!!!

They have been up for so long that they have these nasty long thorns wrapped around them that they even scare me. I try so hard to break through them and every time I think I am there I hesitate and then BOOM I crash into my own damn wall…like fuck Heather you aren’t blind. You are a strong badass fucking rockstar of a woman. Let them down…this is the word vomit the floats through me as my bullshit radiates off of me and I stand there stuttering like a fucking monkey who doesn’t know what to do with a banana…

Then there’s my BFF’s and my daughters who like to fuck with me and ask if my walls have fallen down yet…listen here ya’ll…let me clear my throat and let the word vomit flow…wait I need to adjust my crown so they can see my devil horns so they know shit is about to get real, because they know I won’t hold back through the word vomit and laughter towards my fucking self…(this is where I am literally hitting myself in the forehead with an open hand)…word vomit…it’s my enemy when I get started, but its also my saving grace for everyone that understands me. “listen Linda, (picture the head bob with sass and me pointing my finger, yes even if am on the phone) I know what I need to do. I know I need to let my mother fucking walls down, but you all know why I have issues with doing so…so my walls are there and they are slowly coming down Heather style, but I have all this shit that I am battling within myself and you peeps just have to deal with it, because they will break and crash down like a tumbling mother fucking backstabbing tsunami bitch when I least expect it and I know that when that happens it’s because it was supposed to happen right then and there…sooo yeah..” Through all of this I am laughing, which is a good thing, because I laugh at myself a lot. If I didn’t laugh at myself the way I do, I would probably be a giant fucking mess of a human.

So, at this point I am full of fucking so much sass it’s not even on the scale of 1-10. Well, on most days my sass probably isn’t, but especially during my word vomit, which let’s get real, happens most days. But on a good note we are all laughing at the word vomit and having a conversation that is probably going in 15 different directions. Seriously, those that can handle me, I give them major props…and I appreciate them more than they know.

Okay okay, so back to my damn walls. Yes, I know those fuckers need to come down, that my moat needs to either be filled up, or used as a lazy river and not a trap that requires a life vest. My walls are not as tall as they once were, the thorns are not as sharp, and the vicious creatures are gone from my waters. I have gotten much better and it’s because I am challenged in ways that I have never been challenged before. I need time to get use to this new way of life. I have always been able to do everything on my own (except decide where to eat…and NOW I HAVE TOO, which I actually kind of like…huge, giant smiles) and I will never apologize for being a badass independent chick, but I need to learn how to not be so independent, if that makes sense.

Learning how to still be a badass mother fucking rockstar and not as independent is a new challenge. One that I am enjoying, but it is a process. So, without allowing myself to lose myself in the process of my walls coming down, the thorns turning into beautiful flowers, and my moat becoming an awesome lazy river I am learning how to breathe again while loving life.

Sunshine and mother fucking sassy sparkles

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reflection

When 2020 started I thought it was going to be the longest year ever. January was just tip toeing along like “haha lets drag this out fuckers”. I’m sure it was, because everyone thought 2019 was a crap year. Which I have no clue why. 2019 was a great year for me…but anyways…here we were creeping along and then BOOM! February finally decided to make an appearance. Alright, yes 2020 is finally starting…juuuust kidding….lets go crazy buying all the toilet paper for a respiratory virus…major eye, but I did buy some, just in case I ran out since all these people were freak out shopping like the world was coming to an end. I’ve watched enough Walking Dead, I should be prepared enough, right? Bahahaha…

Everything shut down. Nothing felt normal anymore. I wasn’t even sure what normal was. All of a sudden, I wasn’t just a mom and an essential employee. Overnight I became mom-essential employee-teacher-race car driver-toilet paper hunter. Say goodbye to common core mother fuckers. The speed limit didn’t seem to matter anymore to anyone, so to not get run off the road you learned to drive faster (unless you already did..hehe), and well I don’t think I need to explain why I had to hunt for toilet paper…but if someone posted a store had it and I was still in my pjs, watch out world…

Life slowed down. It changed. There were parts I hated. But I had to remind myself of my sunshine and sparkles. Through the darkness that linger above us I looked for the light. My kids and I made a point to get outdoors more. We found new places to hike and fish. I even got my fishing license…I don’t even like to fish. We went on adventures, grew closer, laughed, made memories, exercised, and just lived a life we wouldn’t normally live if life hadn’t slowed down.

I love pictures. I have so many from this year. Pictures that are serious, goofy, full of life, love, and memories. Reflecting back on this year I see so many different things that so many families, individuals, and friends have gone through and are still going through. Lessons have been learned. I have learned more about myself, children, family, and friends this year than I ever have in past years. There have been all kinds of emotion expressed throughout 2020. I am lucky to have captured the memories I have this year.

As 2020 comes to an end I reflect back on people I have walked away from, people I have grown closer too, people that have entered my life, and people that have become strangers. Some could say 2020 has been a shitty year. Sure, we shut down and life has changed. I certainly will admit I hate the shut down and the masks. But when I think of the good that has come out of this year I smile. Why? Because right now as I write this, I can say I am happy with how my life is. Is there some darkness? Sure. But I have decided to look at the light, the light that makes me feel whole, warm, bright, and smile.

I have prepared for what ever crazy 2021 brings us. I have made sure I have enough paper goods that I can build a padded room with all of it, if I need too…bahaha…But remember I have watched The Walking Dead…I am prepared…wink wink…

Ugly

My heart probably stopped beating for second, I felt as though I was punched in the stomach, lost my breath, and I was drowning in my tears. I am my own worst enemy always. But then there are others who we think are supposed to be our best support system and often turn out to be even bigger enemies than ourselves. Words can be taken several different ways. Tone, whether the person thinks before they speak, and are the words being said because the person was actually paying attention or just speaking to act as though they were.

Ugly. Such a small word, but a powerful one. A word that can tear a person apart. This word was told to me, obviously it hurt, due to my reaction, which might have been overboard, but coming from the person it did, it truly shocked me. Maybe they did not intend it in the context I took it or maybe they did, but it still had an impact on me.

I like to read, but I am ugly. I take care of myself, but I am ugly. I am too thin, so I am ugly. I see purple, someone else might see blue, but I am ugly. I have curly hair, I am ugly. If my view point is different I am ugly. I am a picky eater, I am ugly. I am an open book, so I must be ugly. I stand up for myself, therefore I am ugly. The list could go on and on.

The way I see it is completely different. I like to read, because there are so many different things to read about. Knowledge is power. Maybe instead of ugly I am a nerd…

I take care of myself, because I decided I wanted to live a healthier life when I started to get sick and the doctors did not know what was wrong. By taking better care of myself it changed how I looked over all. Maybe instead of ugly, others are jealous.

Everyone has different viewpoints, sees things in different lights, but that does not mean we all have to be ugly to one another. We can still treat each other with respect.

Being jealous of someone or not liking the way somebody lives does not mean we should be judgmental or cruel, but yet we are. There are people who do not like others values or beliefs and take every opportunity to let them know. It is sad, but I have realized the biggest support system, are the sometimes the cruelest.

We have this idea that if we have hatred for ourselves, feel jealous of what someone might have that we do not, or disagree with another’s views on most anything that we can take out these feelings on others.

No no no…there are so many things wrong with that. But as a society we no longer care. There seems to be no consequences for wrong doing of anything kind. We just shrug our shoulders, turn our heads, and watch it continue to unfold. Now this, this makes us ugly…

just a weed

I am standing in the middle of a field surrounded by beautiful roses. Vibrant colors, full of life, radiant. Their perfume coming at me from every direction. I could feel their thorns prickling my tender skin leaving small scars. Looking around I see that I look different. My skin is softer. I do not shine bright. I feel weak and out of place. I am just a weed in a field of gorgeous roses.

Life is all around me. It is difficult to see above me, but I can see some blue-sky peeking through the forest of green leaves, red, pink, and yellow petals. As I begin to drown, I feel a horrendous pain. Maybe this is a rescue mission. The blue-sky is now completely surrounding me and the sunshine warms my tender bruised skin. Playful laughter feels the air. Relaxation takes over my injured body and I suddenly feel limp. I felt safe, I could breathe, and was no longer surrounded by too much pain. A big gust hit me.

The laughter drifted further away as pieces of me floated away. I fought to stay together, but I was not strong enough. I was no longer whole. Shattered into hundreds of pieces across the field. As I laid scatter on the soft soil, waves of mixed emotions took over. I was completely destroyed.

The sky grew dark and released its tears. I hugged the soil to stay warm. I did not like this feeling of being lost, confused, scared, and broken. Something had to change. The rain planted me. I started to grow. Roots took depth as I developed leaves and then a beautiful yellow flower.

Pieces of me were everywhere. Over time I was destroyed by thorns, darkness that hovered above me, and then ripped apart. But over time I was able to grow again. This time I grew stronger. I adapted to the environment that I knew was waiting for me. With thicker skin, deeper roots, and more of me I could be unstoppable.

I might be just a weed among a field full of beautiful roses, but their perfume, thorns and high maintenance has made me a strong powerful unstoppable weed who shines bright like the sun, because I am not afraid to grow in uncomfortable places.  

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I see a pattern

You know what is ridiculous? People who are too afraid of their own feelings that they either ghost people, ignore a direct question, make up some sorry ass excuse, lie, or do not care who they hurt. Why is it difficult for an adult to be upfront, honest, or open with another adult? Seriously?? When did adults start acting childish? I know we all have our moments, but jeez, at some point you begin to wonder what in the actual fuck? Especially when it seems to be a pattern from several different directions.

We all know the truth hurts, but so does a lie. And newsflash…A LIE HURTS MORE WHEN THE TRUTH COMES OUT. Just saying…so how about growing a pair or pulling up the big girl panties, what ever you fancy and tell the fucking truth?

There is no need to point fingers on who did what or said what. Just own up to what you did and have the supposed “difficult” conversation. Again, people may hate what the truth is, but it is so much better than the lie that eventually unveils the truth. Tears might be shed, but oh fucking well. Guaranteed they will probably be shed with the lie or truth so big whoopy fucking do.

We get a cut, we put a Band-Aid on it, and guess what? It heals!! Oh my goodness!!! So do feelings!!! What a concept. Who would have thought!?! We pull up our big girl panties or grow a pair, maybe eat our favorite comfort food, and get over it.

To ghost someone, lie to them, make an excuse shows a person you never respected them in the first place, are afraid to face whatever challenges that might lie ahead, or that you may not be able to be honest with them at all. Or maybe it shows the lie’s told have been so tangled that one cannot remember what has already been used and what hasn’t. Chicken shit lies or ignoring someone shows true colors and makes a person a fucking dick with karma biting at the heels.

The truth is better than a lie. Everyone gets over things eventually. How do you feel when you are lied to?

Exactly my point…so why do it to someone else…fuckers.

pants on fire

I need some type of shield, protection, weapon, something that gives me a signal when a douche bag is lying to me. I mean seriously!! I should know, or you would think I would. I can always tell when my children are lying to me, but when it comes to asshole fucktards it is like I have fallen down a flight of stairs and hit my head so hard it turned me stupid!!

I have a huge heart. I trust too easy. And because of this I get destroyed like cake shoved in someone’s face on their birthday. Food fight!!! Let’s see how much we can play … yeah, I say fuck that noise…

Ever notice how when a person lies to you somehow you get blamed? Like wtf? Like for real. And somehow those type of people that lay blame on everyone else are never to blame…but if you are observant, don’t fall for their bullshit, and see the toxicity you notice small truths start to surface. Then bigger ones. Soon you have this huge web full of tangled lies that they spun all because they cannot be honest and always have to point the finger in another direction. The best part is when they realize you know the truth.

Now you have the control. It is seriously a fucking game and we are adults…I do not understand nor will I never. Grow a fucking pair. Put your big girl panties on and just be honest. Is it really that difficult? They tell you your friendship will always be the same, nothing is ever going to change, they can’t lose you…word vomit…more lies…. because let’s get real they don’t know how to tell the truth and they never will. Everything is going to change. You will probably talk less, see them less, lose other friends, and the list just continues. It will be painful.

Watch me grow, watch me smile, watch me live my happy full life, while you sit there miserable with yours. The difference? I am not afraid to admit the truth about my life, my fuck ups. I know I walk on the cliffs edge at times. But I am not afraid to admit when I screw up, when I do something wrong, when my mood flat out sucks ass, or when I just need a moment. I have been hurt over and over, as well as hurt others. Does it suck? Of course. But I learned.

My lesson, I am a mother fucking rockstar, who is surrounded by family and friends. My circle is small which is perfect. I would be silly to say I have learned all that I am going to about lies and trust, but I know I haven’t, because I am too kind and still trust too easy. I have built my walls high with a moat full of predators to keep me safe from all the weak toxic waste that lurks in the shadows. Darkness may enter here and there at different points of our lives, but we decide whether we want to allow that darkness to control us or if we want to control it. Be the light that shines through.