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Opening my window

I have been reflecting a lot lately. About many different things in my life. I have to constantly remind myself that things happen for a reason, most the time we have not a clue what those reasons are, but we keep moving forward whether it is with our heads held high or with them lowered to hide our eyes that show everything. I don’t know about you, but my eyes are like windows to my soul, my thoughts, my everything. My eyes literally are not my best friends. I can’t hide jack shit behind them. Even if I tried to hide my emotions across my face, my eyes be telling the truth….fuckers. They might be beautiful, but they don’t let me get away with shit!!

Maybe it is a good thing that I can’t hide my emotions, but there are times when I would really like too. I have noticed a difference in the way I am feeling though now that I don’t hold everything in until I explode like a shaken soda bottle. That is one thing I am thankful for. I used to hold everything in until I was boiling under the surface and then BOOM!!!! ugh it was ugly. Ugly tears, ugly emotion, ugly everything. But that is what happens when you have to hold it in, because you aren’t allowed to express yourself.

And now, well now I am able to express myself, all of myself. Sometimes I think that is a bad thing, until I share my spinning thoughts, and I am reminded it isn’t a bad thing to share how I am feeling. It is an amazing thing, for not only me, but for all those around me, for those that love me. I am still learning how to open up immediately instead of holding on for hours, a day, or longer, but I am getting much better. AND telling someone that loves me to push me, but to be gentle, makes all the difference.

So, there I go again getting off track, but whatever. By now you are all used too it. And if you aren’t you should be…lol… Ok so I have been reflecting right? On myself first and foremost, but also about my surroundings, things that actually affect me personally, and what is it exactly about that thing that makes me emotional or changes my mood in a flat second. I want to be aware of; is it me? Or is it something else? I keep saying I am broken, because I feel broken, like something is wrong with me, but reality, I am not broken, I have lived to make others happy so that I do not disrupt my environment for such a long time that it is all I know. And several years ago, I promised myself and my loved ones I would live each day as if tomorrow wasn’t promised. BUT then roughly a year ago I slipped back into old habits, because again, survival; don’t disrupt the environment.

Guess fucking what??? As I was reflecting the other day, I realized I am loved for who I am!!! Which yes, I have known, but when you have been broken down time and time again you often forget this. I was reminded of this during a conversation, an act, and being in his arms. I am not only loved by him, my children, but by so many, and they all love me for me, for my sunshine and sparkles, for my sailor mouth, for my humor, for being there for them, showing I care, I could go on and on.

I keep my circle small for a reason. I know who my true friends are. I know because they are the ones who love me, who don’t just say they do, and then use me. My circle is small because they have shown me in many ways I can trust them and no matter what they will always be there for me and I for them. I don’t need 400 plus friends on Facebook, because I guarantee you when I had that many the majority of them weren’t really my friends, they were just spy’s or wanted to feel important by having their friend number high. My list gets smaller, someone might get added, but I know that those on my list I can trust. When you are older you start to understand and begin to realize what is the most important. Some people mature and make mature decisions in life and others do not grow and instead make immature decisions and lose everything they wish they still had.

Life is full of choices. Choices we all make for ourselves. Choices we try to blame on others when things don’t go our way, but let’s face reality, we all know right from wrong. So, when we face a choice where we could lose it all and we choose wrong…you honestly have nobody to blame but your fucking self…grow up, own your choices, and face yourself in the mirror every day after, because you are the one the has to live with the consequences.

So, reflecting. My attitude, the way I live each day, how I respond to situations, that is all up to me, nobody else. I have noticed when my attitude gets gloomily and when I get salty. I see a pattern. Can I blame others? Maybe, but would that be fair to them? Hell fucking no. Why? Because if I haven’t been adult enough to have a conversation with them on why I got upset or salty, pissed off or walked away, that isn’t on them…it’s on me, because I did not speak up first. Sure, it would be easy to point the finger, but seriously where the fuck is that going to get me? Ummm, fucking nowhere.

When I am living life to its fullest, I also notice. When you pay attention and stop pointing the finger you really start to see the whole picture and not just the pieces that are in focus from a selfish point of view. I thought I allowed my walls to fall around me, my moat to be free of predators, but I was wrong.

My walls were down when I decided to live to the fullest years ago, then I put them back up. When I thought I let them down again I was wrong, so wrong. One of my bitches told me the other day “my walls might be down, the blinds might be open, but I haven’t opened the window yet”…well shit. More reflecting after this as you can imagine…

Reflections, choices, and life. All amazing combinations when you get the right lock and key, but until then the chain is a horrible mess of a knot, until you are ready to face the reality that you can either constantly be terrified of the negatives that might happen or live facing the sunshine glowing in the radiant positivity of what could go right.

Sunshine and mother fuckin’ sparkles…  

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FML

Laughter. It’s supposed to cure everything, but it doesn’t fix everything. Sure, it helps in the moment. It is better than letting the tears fall down my fucking cheeks…AGAIN. But here I sit. Laughed my ass off for a moment, shook my head, and walked back in the house to face the never-ending disaster.

Sweating like a fucking pig at night is wonderful. Let me tell you, NOT! But that is what happens when the air conditioner decides it wants to stop working in the middle of the summer. I just love sleeping in a pool of sweat, said no one ever! I knew I needed to change the air filter and silly me bought the wrong size. YES! Way to go…sooo shopping trip…and I have a blonde moment and can’t put the stupid thing in.

I have a lake in my kitchen. Don’t even have to drive anywhere. Let me set up my beach chair, umbrella, and lay out my towel…I just need a sun light to keep my tan going, because I don’t have skin like my siblings…

FML…things happen in three’s right…

I sound like I am a whiny little bitch right now…oh fucking well. Maybe I need to whine, maybe I need to cry, maybe I just need to yell and scream my fucking head off, because I am frustrated with a lot of different things right now…like currently my foot keeps cramping…my toes look fucked up, and I want to cry, because I am in pain, but I won’t instead I am going to write one long ass sentence whining like a baby back bitch internally laughing at myself.

I like that I am able to laugh at myself and the shit that happens in my life, because my life has been an on and off shit storm. But I am proud of myself, because I am able to handle the shit that is thrown my way. Sure, I may cry, I may get frustrated, I might need to be held tight, vent, but guess what? I am fucking human…I am not perfect and I would never want to be.

I have been through shit. Who hasn’t? but we can either let it define us or we can hold our heads high, roll with the punches, laugh, and keep on finding the light in the darkness that rolls in with the storms.

I know I have my moments when I can’t find the light in the darkness, but I have love that is my strength in my weak moments that lifts me up, gives me strength, and keeps me going.

Laughter, sunshine, and mother fucking sparkles…

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Sleepless nights

I recently had to revisit my past. It wasn’t easy at all. Emotions were brought up that I had forgotten. Thoughts and memories that I had hidden in the back of my mind came rushing back. Sleepless nights. Tossing and turning. Fears. The sounds. Tears would slide down my cheeks as I cried myself silently to sleep. I felt broken all over again.

It took me years to rebuild myself. Fear of dark corners, hotels, pillows and blankets over my face, and people thinking I was lying about my story. There are times when the PTSD still hits out of nowhere and rocks me to the core. Even though it’s been almost 20 years. An emotional roller coaster, one that took everything I wanted, one that I allowed to control me for longer than I should have, but even if it happened now, I would probably be the same emotional mess, just older, stronger, and able to handle it a little different.

But as I was rebuilding myself from a horrible event, I never thought I would face I was facing another battle. Ugh…what in the hell…I felt as though I was living in hell. I kept asking myself what I did to deserve the things I was going through. I repeated over and over again that there is a reason for everything…this seemed to help me get through. Even if I didn’t understand it at the time.

I was a survivor. For some reason I just kept pushing through all the shit, the hell, the pain, and ended up stronger every single time. Still wasn’t sure why.

More hell. Fuck my life. But I will survive. I have time and time again. This was a different kind of hell though. I lost friends. I lost people that I thought cared about me, that I cared about. People lied to my face constantly.  

Eye openers were happening all around me, but I was not paying attention. Instead I decided to ignore all the signs that I should have paid attention too and kept telling myself things would change. Of course, they did not change, they got worse.

As things seemed to get worse, I grew stronger, which did not help. I began to become independent and realized my worth. This was great for me, but felt like a threat in my environment. I had to make decisions. Stay strong, grow stronger or go back into my shell and hide everything I felt.

At this point I had some amazing people that helped me stay strong and keep pushing myself to heal and stay positive. And this time I was ready to see to all the red flags. I could see them like neon signs. They were bright, flashing, in my face telling me to pay attention for my own benefit.

I was finally this strong, beautiful, confident woman. I felt unstoppable, but I still had moments of weakness. Who does not have those moments? We all do. We are human. Not a single one of us is perfect. I know some people hide their emotions and think that it is for the best, but I am not the person that can hide. I wear them on the outside. Everyone can see them. I used to hate that, but now I see it as a strength. I am not able to hide anymore. I am called out on my bluff when I do try. This was challenging for me and honestly still is, but it is something I am still working on.

I like that I am able to admit I am not perfect, that I have things I am still working on in life even at the age of 37. I have had to walk on eggshells, I have had to have plans I never thought I would, I have had to pretend I was okay when I was not, I have swallowed more feelings than I care to admit, I have PTSD, and I am still learning to be open and trust easily, but it is difficult to trust and be open for me. I have been open and trusted easily and it hurt me big time. I told myself I will never open up again immediately, that I will slowly open up as I learn to trust the people in my life. I closed doors, closed up, built giant walls. But I am learning how to open up again, to let my walls down. I am doing well, but still not as well as I would like.

As I reflect on my past, I realize I am the way I am for many different reasons. There are things I never thought I would face in life when I was younger, but I faced them, I survived. Because I am a survivor, I have been able to help others, inspire them with my life experiences, and show people that no matter what you go through you can get through it while shining bright.

As a teenager I saw my life going a whole different direction, but it did not. I am not living where I thought I would, I do not have the career I thought I was going to have, I do not have the life I thought I would, but right now, in this current moment I can say I am happy. That even though I would never want to go through the things I have faced again, I am happy that I have, because my experiences have made me who I am, and have allowed me to have things in my life that I did not think I would, and this makes me okay with the pain, the hurt, and the memories.  

Fear. It is one of those funny things. It can sometimes hold us back or make us do things we regret. My fear is if I let my walls down any further, I will regret it, because I am afraid of scaring people away. I have been told I will not, but my past tells me otherwise.

I need to stop being afraid of getting hurt and let those that care in. I have let my walls start to fall, as they fall, I am letting more out, but there is still hesitation, and the hesitation is a weakness I hope to overcome soon, because I have no reason to be afraid anymore. I have things I need to work on, which I am, and I am still learning, but life is a continuous lesson. I hope that as I continue to learn throughout my life that I will continue to grow as a person.

I am strong, but still weak. I still have issues. Remember nobody is perfect. We all have things we stare at, but refuse to face. We all have fears that scare us beyond belief, but we hope to get past them one day. We all worry about small things we have no control over. We have all survived some kind of event in our lives that changed us in ways we never thought possible.

 It is up to us on whether or not to let these things control us and our life, or whether we take our life into our hands and take control of it. I decided to take control.

I survived the things I have for a reason. I still do not understand the reason for all that I have gone through, but I am finally okay with that. I have realized that the things I do understand I survived them, because I needed to go through them to help others.

Life is what we make it. We have the power. No matter what I go through I continue to stay strong and shine bright. I hope that I can pass that onto my children. I hope that they see me as a role model, someone they can look up too, and know that even when things get tough there is always a reason, one they may not have the answer to immediately, but that they will be okay and that they always have me to help them get through it and to help them stay positive.  

Revisiting the past was difficult. I lost nights of sleep, felt weak, but being able to reflect and share has helped me see just how far I have come in life. The tears slid down my cheeks, covered my pillow, as I shook with more emotion than I could handle I was held tight. In this moment I knew I didn’t have to be strong alone. I have an amazing support system. When we go through tough times, feel weak, sometimes we need extra strength. We need to be able to lean on those who care about us most. Never be afraid to lean.

Sunshine and Sparkles.

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reflection

When 2020 started I thought it was going to be the longest year ever. January was just tip toeing along like “haha lets drag this out fuckers”. I’m sure it was, because everyone thought 2019 was a crap year. Which I have no clue why. 2019 was a great year for me…but anyways…here we were creeping along and then BOOM! February finally decided to make an appearance. Alright, yes 2020 is finally starting…juuuust kidding….lets go crazy buying all the toilet paper for a respiratory virus…major eye, but I did buy some, just in case I ran out since all these people were freak out shopping like the world was coming to an end. I’ve watched enough Walking Dead, I should be prepared enough, right? Bahahaha…

Everything shut down. Nothing felt normal anymore. I wasn’t even sure what normal was. All of a sudden, I wasn’t just a mom and an essential employee. Overnight I became mom-essential employee-teacher-race car driver-toilet paper hunter. Say goodbye to common core mother fuckers. The speed limit didn’t seem to matter anymore to anyone, so to not get run off the road you learned to drive faster (unless you already did..hehe), and well I don’t think I need to explain why I had to hunt for toilet paper…but if someone posted a store had it and I was still in my pjs, watch out world…

Life slowed down. It changed. There were parts I hated. But I had to remind myself of my sunshine and sparkles. Through the darkness that linger above us I looked for the light. My kids and I made a point to get outdoors more. We found new places to hike and fish. I even got my fishing license…I don’t even like to fish. We went on adventures, grew closer, laughed, made memories, exercised, and just lived a life we wouldn’t normally live if life hadn’t slowed down.

I love pictures. I have so many from this year. Pictures that are serious, goofy, full of life, love, and memories. Reflecting back on this year I see so many different things that so many families, individuals, and friends have gone through and are still going through. Lessons have been learned. I have learned more about myself, children, family, and friends this year than I ever have in past years. There have been all kinds of emotion expressed throughout 2020. I am lucky to have captured the memories I have this year.

As 2020 comes to an end I reflect back on people I have walked away from, people I have grown closer too, people that have entered my life, and people that have become strangers. Some could say 2020 has been a shitty year. Sure, we shut down and life has changed. I certainly will admit I hate the shut down and the masks. But when I think of the good that has come out of this year I smile. Why? Because right now as I write this, I can say I am happy with how my life is. Is there some darkness? Sure. But I have decided to look at the light, the light that makes me feel whole, warm, bright, and smile.

I have prepared for what ever crazy 2021 brings us. I have made sure I have enough paper goods that I can build a padded room with all of it, if I need too…bahaha…But remember I have watched The Walking Dead…I am prepared…wink wink…

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I see a pattern

You know what is ridiculous? People who are too afraid of their own feelings that they either ghost people, ignore a direct question, make up some sorry ass excuse, lie, or do not care who they hurt. Why is it difficult for an adult to be upfront, honest, or open with another adult? Seriously?? When did adults start acting childish? I know we all have our moments, but jeez, at some point you begin to wonder what in the actual fuck? Especially when it seems to be a pattern from several different directions.

We all know the truth hurts, but so does a lie. And newsflash…A LIE HURTS MORE WHEN THE TRUTH COMES OUT. Just saying…so how about growing a pair or pulling up the big girl panties, what ever you fancy and tell the fucking truth?

There is no need to point fingers on who did what or said what. Just own up to what you did and have the supposed “difficult” conversation. Again, people may hate what the truth is, but it is so much better than the lie that eventually unveils the truth. Tears might be shed, but oh fucking well. Guaranteed they will probably be shed with the lie or truth so big whoopy fucking do.

We get a cut, we put a Band-Aid on it, and guess what? It heals!! Oh my goodness!!! So do feelings!!! What a concept. Who would have thought!?! We pull up our big girl panties or grow a pair, maybe eat our favorite comfort food, and get over it.

To ghost someone, lie to them, make an excuse shows a person you never respected them in the first place, are afraid to face whatever challenges that might lie ahead, or that you may not be able to be honest with them at all. Or maybe it shows the lie’s told have been so tangled that one cannot remember what has already been used and what hasn’t. Chicken shit lies or ignoring someone shows true colors and makes a person a fucking dick with karma biting at the heels.

The truth is better than a lie. Everyone gets over things eventually. How do you feel when you are lied to?

Exactly my point…so why do it to someone else…fuckers.

pants on fire

I need some type of shield, protection, weapon, something that gives me a signal when a douche bag is lying to me. I mean seriously!! I should know, or you would think I would. I can always tell when my children are lying to me, but when it comes to asshole fucktards it is like I have fallen down a flight of stairs and hit my head so hard it turned me stupid!!

I have a huge heart. I trust too easy. And because of this I get destroyed like cake shoved in someone’s face on their birthday. Food fight!!! Let’s see how much we can play … yeah, I say fuck that noise…

Ever notice how when a person lies to you somehow you get blamed? Like wtf? Like for real. And somehow those type of people that lay blame on everyone else are never to blame…but if you are observant, don’t fall for their bullshit, and see the toxicity you notice small truths start to surface. Then bigger ones. Soon you have this huge web full of tangled lies that they spun all because they cannot be honest and always have to point the finger in another direction. The best part is when they realize you know the truth.

Now you have the control. It is seriously a fucking game and we are adults…I do not understand nor will I never. Grow a fucking pair. Put your big girl panties on and just be honest. Is it really that difficult? They tell you your friendship will always be the same, nothing is ever going to change, they can’t lose you…word vomit…more lies…. because let’s get real they don’t know how to tell the truth and they never will. Everything is going to change. You will probably talk less, see them less, lose other friends, and the list just continues. It will be painful.

Watch me grow, watch me smile, watch me live my happy full life, while you sit there miserable with yours. The difference? I am not afraid to admit the truth about my life, my fuck ups. I know I walk on the cliffs edge at times. But I am not afraid to admit when I screw up, when I do something wrong, when my mood flat out sucks ass, or when I just need a moment. I have been hurt over and over, as well as hurt others. Does it suck? Of course. But I learned.

My lesson, I am a mother fucking rockstar, who is surrounded by family and friends. My circle is small which is perfect. I would be silly to say I have learned all that I am going to about lies and trust, but I know I haven’t, because I am too kind and still trust too easy. I have built my walls high with a moat full of predators to keep me safe from all the weak toxic waste that lurks in the shadows. Darkness may enter here and there at different points of our lives, but we decide whether we want to allow that darkness to control us or if we want to control it. Be the light that shines through.

batteries. a single girls bff

A couple of years ago I told a close friend of mine “if I ever tell you I want to be in a relationship again smack me.” I was not being serious or maybe at the time I was. I was full of all kinds of different emotions when we had this conversation. Who really wants to be single for the rest of their life, especially in their thirties? Apparently, me!! And by saying this, I feel like the world listened, because I feel cursed, jinxed, whatever you want to call it. And why? Oh, you know just to prove a fucking point…like haha eat your words Heather!!!

Here I am, almost 36, and single. My toys and I have become great friends, BFF’s. In fact, I should probably add batteries to my shopping list. I have always been very independent. I am completely okay with being single, but sometimes the thought crosses my mind of “shit what if I live until I am 90”. That’s a shit ton of time to be alone and not in a relationship. So yeah in reality it would be nice to have that person to be able to snuggle up with at the end of the day, lay next to in bed, enjoy “streaming and chill” evenings, and of course have more than just my “BFF”.

So here I sit, asking myself, “did I jinx myself”? Or maybe I am just so independent I scare grown men away? Or the dating scene has just changed so much I do not know how to play the game? But dating should not be a game…but on a lighter funnier note I think my “prince charming” is just fucking lost, trying to navigate his way to me, but like me; north, east, south, and west are confusing as all hell and he needs landmarks instead…just follow the trail of toys!!!

Someday my prince will….nah, I just need to replace my batteries sooner than later.

blessed

My oldest daughter was a life saver. I was going down a very dark path when I found out I was pregnant with her. I believe she was sent to me for a reason. If I had not gotten pregnant with her I do not know that I would be in the position that I am in today.

Today while she and I were driving we had a very interesting conversation. This conversation made me realize how blessed I am to have my children. They all have brought something special to my life and continue to do so every day.

The conversation my oldest daughter and I had today brought tears to my eyes. She told me what an amazing beautiful woman I am, that I need to take a step back and stop putting her and her siblings first, but not just them. Everyone. She said I put everyone first before myself. She said I need take care of myself, to put myself out there, and allow myself to find love again, because I deserve to be loved. I am not sure if she knew that I was crying, because I had sunglasses on, but now she does as I am sure she will read this. Her words warmed my heart as tears of joy filled my eyes.

This conversation hit me so uniquely. It touched me in a way that I do not think I was expecting it too, I really felt what she was saying, and for one of my kids to tell me “mom get out there, find someone to love you, because you deserve it” just wow.

Self-love is so important. I truly love myself and it took a long time to love who I am. But to have that person who loves you, that somebody else, that significant other that loves you is so much different than self-love. It is a love that you cannot give yourself. My daughter is right.

I have never been that person that ever needed to have that other person before, but over the last probably six months or so I have realized I want that love that I cannot give myself. I want to grow old with that someone that is going to love me for me, treat me right, be faithful, committed, and cherish me. Someone who will be proud to say this woman is mine and I am hers. I want that in my life. I want someone who is going to give me 110% like I will give to them. Someday.

I was driving when I was thinking about this post. The sun was setting. The sky was full of oranges, purples, and pinks. I am not sure what it is about Nevada skies, but wow they blow me away. They are stunning. So many emotions run through me when I watch them. They remind me that the world is still beautiful and peaceful even though there is chaos all around us. Life is like that. It has its chaotic moments but is still beautiful. I want to share my life with someone. I want to sit outside on nights like this, in the crisp fresh air, around the fire pit with someone special, with a glass of wine as the sun sets. I want that. I deserve that.

I have my daughter to thank for reminding me of that. Thank you.

Life is a game board

Game boards have pieces, dices, and spaces you move. Life can be like a game board. You roll the dice every morning. You get to decide if you take steps forwards or backwards. Sometimes we do not always like what we see lying in front of us, so we decide to take the easy way and step backwards. Why do we do this to ourselves? We know there are speed bumps in life, dips, unpaved roads, roads that lead to the unknown. If we keep running scared of the unknown how will we ever know whether what lies ahead is positive? Simple, we will not. So, we roll the dice every morning, we land on a number. We get to decide whether we take these steps forward or backwards. I want to keep moving forward in my life. Life is too short to go backwards. I do not want to hide in the shadows. I want to shine bright. We all should want to shine bright, show the world what we have to offer, and not be afraid of what lies ahead of us.

I think so many of us are afraid of what everyone will think of us and we base our decisions off this. It is sad if you really think about it. I do not want to live my life like this. I want to live my life and not worry about what everyone thinks of me. People will judge no matter what, so I am going to take those steps forward, through whatever hazard lies in my way and face it head on. By facing my challenges head on it only helps me grow stronger.

I have realized through the steps I have taken lately that when things get muddy, I can allow myself to fall or I can keep myself strong and figure out how to get through it. I have my family and friends, my life lines, to help me. It is okay to reach out when you need them. There is no shame in having a support system. My life lines help me get through the challenges I face. I am thankful I have them.

One challenge I have overcome in this muddy step is realizing my worth. Life may be like a game board, but I am no toy. I know what I bring to the table. I know what I offer. I know what challenges one must face to reach me. My walls are high for a reason and occasionally I am stupid and let them down, but then reality kicks in and I remember why I need them.

Life may be like a game board, one that we are all still trying to figure out, each day we face new challenges, but each step we take forward allows us to grow as a person. We get to decide what kind of person we want to be. Do we want to be the person that makes life more of a challenge? Maybe we want to be the person that is not afraid to face anything that comes our way? Or we may simply be the person that strolls along enjoying each step, day by day, as the sunshine fills their world, taking whatever comes their way with a grain of salt knowing that the day is what you make it?

Are you willing to roll the dice and jump into the rabbit hole head first? Life is after all what you make it. We are all responsible for our own chapters. Live.

i can buy my own damn flowers

There comes a time in life when you realize you do not need that other person in life to buy those flowers sitting in the vase, the diamonds on your fingers, neck, or where ever you choose to wear them on your body, the vehicle you drive, the food that fills your refrigerator and lines your cabinets; you can dress sexy, put on makeup, have your hair on point all for just you. There are no rules saying you need that special someone to buy you luxury things or flowers. Fuck that shit. Buy that shit for yourself. Be a mother fucking badass and buy it for yourself. Hell, even if you are in a relationship and you are at the store and see a beautiful arrangement of flowers buy them! You deserve them! You work your ass off! If you do not respect yourself and show you are a mother fucking badass do you think anyone else will? No! respect starts from within. Respect yourself, others will follow. Remember treat others how you want to be treated. You want to be treated with respect? Better respect yourself as well. So, if you are walking round with your vagina hanging out and you wonder why you are being treating like a whore…. enough said.

I am a beautiful strong mother fucking woman who is not afraid to look myself in the mirror and admit when I am broken, when I am afraid, when I exhausted, when I am fed up, when I need help (asking for it is a different story), when I need to lift myself up, when I need to tell myself I am a sexy beast (yes I do this, because selflove is a real thing), when I judge myself, when I destroy myself, and when I need to remind myself that I am a strong beautiful amazing mother, daughter, sister, friend, person, and woman.

I have had a rough couple of weeks. I have been down. I had a handful of strong women reel me back in, so thankful I have them in my life, and a couple of really close guy friends who also helped remind me that I am a badass. During this time, I came across this pin on Pinterest that said something along that lines of knowing when you are wanted, knowing what you are wanted for, and waiting for the one you deserve. This really hit home on so many levels. It not only was an eye opener, but it made me think about all my relationships with men. Just wow!

I have gone through life allowing many many men to use me as candy. Unwrap me, use me, throw me away, tell your friends how tasty I was, and the cycle starts with someone new. I was so stupid, but the sad part is, so many of us are. And yet we allow it to continue and let this cycle spin on repeat like a broken washing machine.

I know my worth. I know what I bring to the table. I know how hard I love.

After I thought about all of this it hurt. It was a hard dose of reality to swallow, like a sour ball of cum, but instead of spitting it out I swallowed. I looked myself in the mirror and said, “you know what, fuck that shit”.

“Fuck that shit” has really become my new mantra. And I am perfectly okay with that. So, I continued to look at myself and decided I am not a piece of candy. I am not some booty call. You want a one-night stand, a booty call, any of that, then I am not your girl. I have toys and my hands and can please myself probably better than any man can…

As I was saying you do not need that someone special in your life to spoil yourself. You are a badass and can do it yourself. Go out and buy those flowers or that piece of jewelry you have been eyeing. Put on that beautiful dress or outfit, do your hair and makeup, take a selfie, post it, show yourself off to the world, use those annoying hashtags, and do not forget to smile. Shine bright for you and nobody else.

The raw truth is I do not need a man to make myself happy. I can make myself happy. Sunshine and Sparkles.