BUT i am beautiful

I am beautiful.

I will never have giant tits…unless they are fake,

I might always have a mom belly,

 I have stretch marks,

 My skin is no longer “beautiful”, because of my autoimmune disease

 My curves are itty bitty.

 BUT I see myself as sexy.

I am not filtered or censored,

 What you see is what you get.

 I will never look like a model or the girls on only fans, tv, or in magazines,

BUT I am beautiful.

 You see what you get.

I am a mom.

 My stretch marks reflect nine months of three different times growing a child within me,

 I am blessed.

But I am not what men drool over on social media

 I am me.

Down to earth.

 Simple.

 Beautiful.

Real.

I am a woman who loves herself,

 I wear what I want,

 I do not care what others think,

 I will stand up for myself,

 My mouth is foul.

 I am not perfect.

 I can pay my own way.

 I love life.

 I see the light in the darkness.

 I am loved.

 I am beautiful from the inside out.

I use no filters to shine bright or show my beauty.

My skin is not perfect.

I am not a model.

BUT I am beautiful.

Strong.

I am a mother.

I shine bright and light my little world by being just me.

 I make no apologies for who I am.

 I may not have large curves or be sexy like those who are airbrushed, but I am real.

I work hard for the body I have.

I love me,

that is all that matters.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

There are times when we judge ourselves, because of what we see on TV, social media, or in person. But this is life. This is how we have lived for a long time. First it was Barbie’s body, then it was the models we saw in the magazines. We continue to grow up and still compare ourselves, even though we know we shouldn’t and know that we are beautiful in our ways. Our parents, family, and friends can tell us time and time again that we are gorgeous and beautiful, and we can tell ourselves, but if we aren’t strong enough to believe it, we will always compare ourselves. If we are strong enough will we believe it? Maybe on certain days, but we are human and we have our faults and bad days. Those bad days no matter how much we tell ourselves we are beautiful or strong we will not feel it. It is just part of life.

I love who I am. I love my personality, my smile, my humor, just everything about me. Do I have faults? fuck yes. But we all do. I am a firm believer that your personality makes you radiate from the inside out. We can be drop dead gorgeous, but if we are ugly on the inside, we shine ugly on the outside.

Are there things I hate about myself? Of course. I hate what my autoimmune disease has done to my body. It has changed my self confidence tremendously. This is something I have realized a lot lately. I hate that about myself. My bestie told me I have the biggest balls she has ever seen…lmao. But lately I feel I have lost that about myself. I feel weak. It is difficult for me to admit that, because I have come such a long way the last several years. The way my disease has changed my body has affected me more that I realized.

There are things I am still working on. I have said them in previous posts. My walls. They are definitely getting smaller which I am so proud of, you have no idea. And my moat…well the prey has left and now you can relax on a float while working on your tan. So, I am strong in parts of my little world and weak in others. Now if I could just be strong in all of my little world, I would be unstoppable.

I am beautiful. I am fucking beautiful. I love me. I am blessed. I have been through hell and back. I am lucky to be alive right now. I almost died. I am a survivor. I may hate parts of my body, but I am beautiful. I shine bright. I see past the darkness. I do not make apologies for who I am. I might be weak in areas of my life and strong in others, but I am working on myself always for the better, because I want to continue to a beautiful mother, woman, and role model.

We may always compare ourselves to those we see on TV, in magazines, or on social media, unfortunately that’s life. It’s how we grew up. WE are all beautiful in our own unique ways. Just because we don’t see ourselves as a goddess in our own eyes doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t. Love yourself always. You are BEAUTIFUL.

Sunshine and sparkles.  

Darkness

****I wrote this poem February 6th, 2006. It is very dark. I wish I could remember exactly what I was going through at the time****

 

I sit with nothing but hatred running through my veins

I’m angered beyond anything I’ve ever felt

I’m a stone with no way to express oneself

I sit here cold with waves of emotion crashing through me like a rip tide.

There is no one I have but myself.

With icy blood flowing I have no warmth for even lust.

Hatred fills my body

Tears splash to my cheeks

Popping pills may take my pain

But won’t heal me.

Waves slam me every which way

I am no longer in control

Warmth touches my skin in a red smooth covering

The blade is cold as it slits through layers of icy skin.

I sit here wondering what has happened

Such beauty gone

With the hatred others have made one feel.

Cancer sucks

****This entry is something I wrote after my Grandpa passed away from cancer. I was involved in Relay for Life for a very long time, I am still a strong supporter of the event. I wrote the first part of this to share my story as to how cancer touched my life. The poem I wrote to read at my Grandpa’s memorial. I wrote it as he was taking his last breath; a moment I will never forget****

My Grandpa was a stubborn man. Up until the very end he fought to do most everything on his own. Then he was gone. There were no more twinkles, no more hugs; all I have left are memories.

I stand here today knowing why I relay. When I first joined Relay for Life in August 2008 I joined to fight for a cure. I joined with the understanding cancer has touched me, but I NEVER EVER thought cancer would touch me how it has now. This evil disease is taking our loved ones from us. It needs to stop.

I relay for Stacey. A friend I met through relay who is one the strongest people I know. I relay for everyone in the park. I relay, because my Grandpa is not going to get to watch his grandchildren and great grandchildren grow and become what ever it is they are meant to become. I relay because he deserved to see his family grow. I relay so your grandparents and parents can watch their children and grandchildren grow. I relay for me. I relay because it is not fair that my Grandfather will not be here to see my little ones grow and change like a grandpa should.

Everyone here deserves to have everyone in their life watch their children become adults and make a difference in this world like we are making a difference with relay. I relay for those who want to give up. I relay for the fight. I relay because I know there is a cure out there. I relay because we should live our life’s without fear of cancer. I relay for more birthdays.

Cancer has touched everyone in the world, some in ways they never thought, others in ways they could not have imagined. Cancer needs to stop touching everyone. I relay.

 

Candles glow flickered with your last breath,

Sitting here crying;

As a chill lifted the room,

You surrounded me with one last hug.

Saying goodbye was hard to do,

No choice I had.

Free of pain,

No longer trapped.

Be in your happy place,

Among nature at its best.

In the garden,

In the forest in Tahoe,

Now with nature

Your free from all the sickness,

Roam,

Be free,

Soar among the birds you once fed,

Watch natures beauty,

Protect it.

Embrace us all with your love,

Love you back,

Sad to see you go,

Surround me with one last hug.

 

My Grandfather was diagnosed with cancer in January 2009. Three months later he took his last breath with his wife and children by his side. One of the last times I saw my Grandpa was the hardest. He did not recognize me. He stood across the room asking who I was in front of everyone. Then as soon as it registered who I was I saw the very last twinkle in my Grandpa’s eye. He came and gave me a hug. I stayed strong and did not shed a tear even though I wanted too.