i can buy my own damn flowers

There comes a time in life when you realize you do not need that other person in life to buy those flowers sitting in the vase, the diamonds on your fingers, neck, or where ever you choose to wear them on your body, the vehicle you drive, the food that fills your refrigerator and lines your cabinets; you can dress sexy, put on makeup, have your hair on point all for just you. There are no rules saying you need that special someone to buy you luxury things or flowers. Fuck that shit. Buy that shit for yourself. Be a mother fucking badass and buy it for yourself. Hell, even if you are in a relationship and you are at the store and see a beautiful arrangement of flowers buy them! You deserve them! You work your ass off! If you do not respect yourself and show you are a mother fucking badass do you think anyone else will? No! respect starts from within. Respect yourself, others will follow. Remember treat others how you want to be treated. You want to be treated with respect? Better respect yourself as well. So, if you are walking round with your vagina hanging out and you wonder why you are being treating like a whore…. enough said.

I am a beautiful strong mother fucking woman who is not afraid to look myself in the mirror and admit when I am broken, when I am afraid, when I exhausted, when I am fed up, when I need help (asking for it is a different story), when I need to lift myself up, when I need to tell myself I am a sexy beast (yes I do this, because selflove is a real thing), when I judge myself, when I destroy myself, and when I need to remind myself that I am a strong beautiful amazing mother, daughter, sister, friend, person, and woman.

I have had a rough couple of weeks. I have been down. I had a handful of strong women reel me back in, so thankful I have them in my life, and a couple of really close guy friends who also helped remind me that I am a badass. During this time, I came across this pin on Pinterest that said something along that lines of knowing when you are wanted, knowing what you are wanted for, and waiting for the one you deserve. This really hit home on so many levels. It not only was an eye opener, but it made me think about all my relationships with men. Just wow!

I have gone through life allowing many many men to use me as candy. Unwrap me, use me, throw me away, tell your friends how tasty I was, and the cycle starts with someone new. I was so stupid, but the sad part is, so many of us are. And yet we allow it to continue and let this cycle spin on repeat like a broken washing machine.

I know my worth. I know what I bring to the table. I know how hard I love.

After I thought about all of this it hurt. It was a hard dose of reality to swallow, like a sour ball of cum, but instead of spitting it out I swallowed. I looked myself in the mirror and said, “you know what, fuck that shit”.

“Fuck that shit” has really become my new mantra. And I am perfectly okay with that. So, I continued to look at myself and decided I am not a piece of candy. I am not some booty call. You want a one-night stand, a booty call, any of that, then I am not your girl. I have toys and my hands and can please myself probably better than any man can…

As I was saying you do not need that someone special in your life to spoil yourself. You are a badass and can do it yourself. Go out and buy those flowers or that piece of jewelry you have been eyeing. Put on that beautiful dress or outfit, do your hair and makeup, take a selfie, post it, show yourself off to the world, use those annoying hashtags, and do not forget to smile. Shine bright for you and nobody else.

The raw truth is I do not need a man to make myself happy. I can make myself happy. Sunshine and Sparkles.

 

 

 

 

 

Accepting myself

Life does not always go the way you planned. I know that mine has not. But I am finally accepting that the chapters in my life will always be a roller coaster of unknown twists, turns, and bumps. Over the last several months I have learned more than I thought I would. I know that people never change, but what I did not realize was that I would allow some people to show me again why I decided to go the path I did. Then I trusted people, I let my walls down again, and for what? To get smashed like a bug? I am over letting people treat me the way they do. I know what I deserve and my worth. I know what I have to offer. I need to stop blaming myself for the way others treat me. It is not my fault they feel so low of themselves or life that they must treat others with no respect or like their emotions and feelings do not matter.

I built a fortress to protect myself a few years ago. Over the last five months or so I decided I could slowly let the walls down, but now I can not help but wonder if that was a huge mistake. I already have major trust issues with so many people in my life, but I thought, “you know Heather maybe it is time to allow yourself to let people back in”, boy what a lesson I learned.

Quality is far better than quantity. I thought I could give another chance to some then I realized I should not have done so, because they will always be that same type of person they we were when they hurt me the first time. Then I decided why not make new friends and start to break the walls down further…yeah I did this, and I was very successful. But, guess what…people just ended up letting me down and hurting me. The best part is I thought it was my fault again…

I have been stressed to the max lately…I just purchased my first home and that was a process which only added the fuel to my fireball of stress. Then I added more to it by over thinking bullshit. Again, I know what I have to offer, I know my worth, and I know how I deserve to be treated. Thankfully when I started to slip into the dark hole of pointing the finger at myself my amazing super close friends pulled me out and held me up reminding me I deserve so much better than what I was being offered.

I am a beautiful strong woman. I deserve friends who are going to be upfront, honest, and caring. Not friends who are going to talk about me behind my back, (but pretend to care about me to my face), or friends who decide to completely ghost me for unknown reasons.

I can honestly say I can count the number of true friends I have, not counting my siblings, on one hand. When I came to this realization I went through my friends list on Facebook and unfriended 20 “friends” immediately no hesitation. It felt wonderful. I had 289 friends on there and all I could think when I went through the list was, “if I needed something would this person care or if something happened to me would they miss me” if the answer was no bye bye they went.

I am at that age in my life where I am over the selfish bullshit attitudes, the bitchiness for no fucking reason, and the high school drama. I do not have time for it and even if I did I would not want it in my life. I am so sorry to those that feel their lives suck…guess what, someone somewhere in the world probably has it worse. At least we wake up every day, get to see the sunrise or sunset, drink fresh water, have access to health care, and have a home to live in. Put a smile on your face, leave the attitude away from everyone, and enjoy life.

I could not image walking through life, every day, with attitude and anger. It has got to be exhausting. I do not know who would want to live like that, but I do know several people that put the negative attitude hat on every day even though they actually have a pretty good life. Suck it up, build the bridge, and get the fuck over yourself. Nobody wants to deal with the negative bullshit selfish attitude some carry around with them. All it does is change the atmosphere and I am over it. If you cannot build the bridge to get over your bullshit excuses of why your life sucks, wad them up and shove them up your ass.

Cleansing my life and remembering what I am worth, making sure I apply that to every day has changed my life. Now I need to work on not letting attitudes and bullshit affect me, so I can continue to send sunshine and sparkles out and radiate my true self without fear of what others think or what they might say behind my back. I am accepting myself, my life, and remembering life is amazing.

Just a line

There comes a time in life when you realize you will always be just a line in a paragraph in someone else’s chapter. Or maybe you will actually be a whole paragraph, or maybe you were a whole chapter. This got me thinking. I do a lot of thinking. When I start to think sometimes I drive myself insane, I spin in circles, mentally in overdrive flying over speed bumps landing hard and giving myself whiplash. Stupid girl! Yes, I just called myself stupid, because that is what I am when I allow myself to spin in my own crazy thoughts. I know I am not the only one that spins crazy when thoughts get overwhelming.

I started writing this a few weeks ago and again I hated where it was going so I left it alone. I seem to be doing that I a lot. But I have a vision. I know what I want to write and what I do not. So, I let this sit here until I was ready to come back to it. I am still not sure I am ready to finish this piece, but for some reason here I sit typing away random nonsense that is filling my head hoping something will come of this.

Over the last several weeks I have realized many things that I think I just pushed aside for long periods of time, because I was not ready to face them. This is how this entry started. Maybe I was still afraid to face a few things when I started this, but I have decided that I can no longer live in fear. If I constantly walk around hiding and living in the shadows I will never allow myself to fully live. I want to live life to its fullest. I want to feel the sun kiss my skin, the wind chill me to my bones, I want to run in the rain, and breathe in the fresh smells of the seasons changing. I cannot do this if I hide from everything.

I do not want to be some line in someone else’s paragraph or chapter. I want to make my own story, my own path, when there is a fork in the road I want to be able to say I decided to take this path, because of blah blah blah and if you want to judge look in the mirror first. The only way I can do this is by allowing myself to stop hiding, to create my own story, and to welcome change.

Haters are going to hate. People are not going to like what I have to say. I must be okay with this. I am getting ready to share my blog on my social media pages with my family and friends that have no idea this exists. I am nervous, scared, but again I need to stop living in the shadows and embrace who I truly am. This is me. I am a writer. I am a powerful beautiful mother, woman, and just a down to earth girl who wants to live life to the fullest and stop letting everyone dictate how I live. I want to show my kids to live life and not be afraid of what anyone thinks of you. Everyone judges. It is in our nature. But it is up to everyone to choose how they handle the judgement. I have decided I will face it head on, and no longer be afraid. I am living for myself and my family. I need to be strong for us. I need to be true to who I am, own who I am, and show my children this. I want to be a great role model and I certainly do not want to settle to be just a line in a paragraph in someone else’s chapter. That is not who I am.

A Secret

Being a secret can be a rush. There is that excitement. The adrenaline that fills your body. The rush of it running through your veins can be addicting. It becomes a habit. We know right from wrong at such a young age, and yet so many are okay with being a secret. The side piece. The second choice. The extra piece of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving that everyone knows if they have they will have to undo the top button of their jeans. And here we are…someone’s secret, or passed secret, because, well lessons learned. Karma is a bitch.

I will fully admit I was a secret. Many people know I was a secret. It was a huge lesson in my life. Karma became my best friend for a while. She and I are pretty close. We’re tight bitches. I am sitting here debating in my head how to put my thoughts into words, it is not admitting who I am that I fear, I know what I did, and I am not afraid to admit what wrongs I have done in my life. I like to think of myself as an open book. I am sitting here debating where to go with this entry. I want my writing to reflect the things I go through, what I face, who I truly am, the raw, the deep dark thoughts that run through my head. This is who I am.

When I first started writing this entry it was going in a different direction. I did not like the way I wrote anything after this last paragraph. I was stuck. I kept going back and forth on whether I should post this or not. I decided not too until I took another look at it. Then the words came to me on exactly what I was trying to say, and of course I had to be driving down the highway. Hate when that happens.

I may be a secret, have been a secret, still am a secret, but I have a secret. I hide so much emotion behind my smile, my eyes, that only those that truly know me know the ends and outs of my pain. The dark twisty path my beautiful soul walks every day. The things I have experienced most would not survive, but here I am with my secrets that have made me who I am that only few know.

I stand strong today. I wear gold wings of hope, I am a voice in someone else’s darkness, their strength for just a few minutes, letting them know everything will be alright, getting help sent their way. That little bit of light in the deepest darkness of suffocation where one feels there is no hope. I survived my dark twisty thorn scar filled path for a reason. To help others.

Slowly, over the years, I have shared my secrets of pain. I wear them on my sleeves, embrace the path life has led me, and I have learned how to grow from the pain. I can honestly say I love the woman I am becoming. No longer do I fear of the shadows that lurk in the darkness.

Yes, I was a secret. I learned a huge lesson. Karma is a bitch. Karma teaches lessons if you are willing to learn.

Some of you are probably curious about what I meant when I said, ‘I may be a secret, have been a secret, still am a secret, but have a secret.’ In time.