batteries. a single girls bff

A couple of years ago I told a close friend of mine “if I ever tell you I want to be in a relationship again smack me.” I was not being serious or maybe at the time I was. I was full of all kinds of different emotions when we had this conversation. Who really wants to be single for the rest of their life, especially in their thirties? Apparently, me!! And by saying this, I feel like the world listened, because I feel cursed, jinxed, whatever you want to call it. And why? Oh, you know just to prove a fucking point…like haha eat your words Heather!!!

Here I am, almost 36, and single. My toys and I have become great friends, BFF’s. In fact, I should probably add batteries to my shopping list. I have always been very independent. I am completely okay with being single, but sometimes the thought crosses my mind of “shit what if I live until I am 90”. That’s a shit ton of time to be alone and not in a relationship. So yeah in reality it would be nice to have that person to be able to snuggle up with at the end of the day, lay next to in bed, enjoy “streaming and chill” evenings, and of course have more than just my “BFF”.

So here I sit, asking myself, “did I jinx myself”? Or maybe I am just so independent I scare grown men away? Or the dating scene has just changed so much I do not know how to play the game? But dating should not be a game…but on a lighter funnier note I think my “prince charming” is just fucking lost, trying to navigate his way to me, but like me; north, east, south, and west are confusing as all hell and he needs landmarks instead…just follow the trail of toys!!!

Someday my prince will….nah, I just need to replace my batteries sooner than later.

Nah, I don’t think so

*****warning warning*****this contains cussing*****last chance to stop reading*****you have been warned*****

 

 

I was in a super dark place. It was overwhelming me, choking me, and swallowing me whole. I said fuck that shit. I knew that I could get through it, because I have an amazing support system. Everybody needs to kiss my ass that does not support me, that wants me to be under their control, or that wants to see me fail, because I say fuck you…

That is right you read that correctly. If you cannot be supporting and only want information from me because you are a dirty cum sucking whore, then fuck you…

If you contact me only to use me for whatever game you want to play in your boring life, then fuck you…

If you pretend to like me to my face, but then decide to stab me in the back, then fuck you…

If you only follow me on my social media pages to live your life through mine, then fuck you…

But if you truly care for me, love who I am deep down inside, and have my back through it all then you should already know I love you and care about you too. I will be there for you as well and will continue to share my sunshine and sparkles with you. I will shine bright.

So, you might be sitting there going what in the actual fuck is going on.

It has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster the last few weeks and with the lack of sleep it had put me in a mood…but I survived. I powered on and got through it. It helps if you finally get a good amount of sleep. Who knew? Lol…

I do not suggest operating on three hours of sleep. It does nobody any good. I could literally see it on my face, I mean I still can, but it was way worse. I was not shining bright, I looked like death, and just blah. I was wearing my emotions across my face. My eyes were puffy from the loads of waterfalls that came from my eyes.

You might be wondering why I am sitting here admitting that I was in that place. But I told you this is a place where I will be honest and raw. Why hide? Because someone might judge me? Oh, fucking well. Judge away. I can not worry about what others think of me or say about me. That is no way for a person to live their life. I want to live how I see fit. Not the way the world thinks I should, because someone’s feelings might get hurt. It is ridiculous that society has become full of pussies. Grow a pair of balls and stop being afraid.

How is anyone going to be happy in their own skin, with their own life if they continue to hold back because of someone else’s thoughts about them? Maybe we should feel sorry for those that feel the need to constantly talk bad about other people and walk around like a dull star, because I personally think those are the most miserable people. You know the one’s that want to bring everyone down around them…nope not in my world. I say fuck that shit.

Sure, I have judged people, we all do. But I will not bring someone down because I am bored in life. No, I have decided a while ago to live to my fullest. To shine, to smile everyday no matter what, to be happy, and not to let anyone control my happiness. But these past couple weeks I slipped, fell, hit my head on every surface on the way down to the damp cold numbness that darkness brings. And today I decided to say fuck that shit.

I am going to refocus and make sure this does not happen again. I love life way too fucking much to allow this. I will continue to shine, share my happiness, smile, be strong for my family, and send sparkles everywhere.

Sunshine and sparkles!!

Used Tissue

Do you ever feel like you are someone else’s used tissue? They just wham, bam, smacked your ass, asked for a tissue to clean up their sticky mess and left you there going what the fucked just happened? Or their door mat? They wipe their fucking muddy ass boots all over it and shake it out when they feel the need to actually do something? Or maybe you are just an ATM. I need this, I need that. Fuck you!

I talk to many friends that are so unhappy in their situations. Or maybe some just love drama. But no seriously it is sad. I know there are three sides to every story. Each person’s side and the truth, but how many of us actually take the time to listen to all three sides? We don’t. We take sides. We join the drama. We add to the sticky mess in the tissue that can only hold so much.

But here’s the kicker! It is not just romantic relationships that have sticky used tissues, muddy door mats, or ATM abuse. Friendships go through the same mother fucking bullshit. Anyone have that friend who loves to swim in drama? Like a sperm finding an egg…yeah you know the one. They have to blame everyone for their bullshit lies. The lies that eventually karma will let slip and when that happens there will not be enough tissues to clean up that fucking mess. But like I said before; karma and me we tight bitches. I know how she works. I would never want to cross her again. She can be evil, your worst nightmare once she catches onto your games. You cannot run and hide from her. So, I just sit here waiting…

You can only be a used tissue, door mat, and an ATM for so long before you have had an enough. There are a very select few that know about my blog in my circle. I have been nervous to share it, because even though I do not care what others think about me, I do. But over the last few weeks I have grown stronger and I have realized why am I worrying? I am a used tissue and a door mat. I say FUCK THAT SHIT!

People can clean up their own damn sticky messes and shake out their own rugs. I love being here for my family and friends and I will always be someone they can count on. But to those who just use and abuse, blame their wrong doings on others….fuck that shit….clean up your own damn messes, because people who constantly choose themselves; yeah I do not have time for that bullshit. Need a box a tissues or tampons? Do us all a favor and drive yourself to the store and buy the product and stop blaming your problems on everyone else. Grow a pair of lady or man balls, look in the mirror, and face the fucking truth. The raw truth.

 

A Secret

Being a secret can be a rush. There is that excitement. The adrenaline that fills your body. The rush of it running through your veins can be addicting. It becomes a habit. We know right from wrong at such a young age, and yet so many are okay with being a secret. The side piece. The second choice. The extra piece of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving that everyone knows if they have they will have to undo the top button of their jeans. And here we are…someone’s secret, or passed secret, because, well lessons learned. Karma is a bitch.

I will fully admit I was a secret. Many people know I was a secret. It was a huge lesson in my life. Karma became my best friend for a while. She and I are pretty close. We’re tight bitches. I am sitting here debating in my head how to put my thoughts into words, it is not admitting who I am that I fear, I know what I did, and I am not afraid to admit what wrongs I have done in my life. I like to think of myself as an open book. I am sitting here debating where to go with this entry. I want my writing to reflect the things I go through, what I face, who I truly am, the raw, the deep dark thoughts that run through my head. This is who I am.

When I first started writing this entry it was going in a different direction. I did not like the way I wrote anything after this last paragraph. I was stuck. I kept going back and forth on whether I should post this or not. I decided not too until I took another look at it. Then the words came to me on exactly what I was trying to say, and of course I had to be driving down the highway. Hate when that happens.

I may be a secret, have been a secret, still am a secret, but I have a secret. I hide so much emotion behind my smile, my eyes, that only those that truly know me know the ends and outs of my pain. The dark twisty path my beautiful soul walks every day. The things I have experienced most would not survive, but here I am with my secrets that have made me who I am that only few know.

I stand strong today. I wear gold wings of hope, I am a voice in someone else’s darkness, their strength for just a few minutes, letting them know everything will be alright, getting help sent their way. That little bit of light in the deepest darkness of suffocation where one feels there is no hope. I survived my dark twisty thorn scar filled path for a reason. To help others.

Slowly, over the years, I have shared my secrets of pain. I wear them on my sleeves, embrace the path life has led me, and I have learned how to grow from the pain. I can honestly say I love the woman I am becoming. No longer do I fear of the shadows that lurk in the darkness.

Yes, I was a secret. I learned a huge lesson. Karma is a bitch. Karma teaches lessons if you are willing to learn.

Some of you are probably curious about what I meant when I said, ‘I may be a secret, have been a secret, still am a secret, but have a secret.’ In time.

 

 

 

 

Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhh Romeo, Romeo

*****if you get offended easily or are sensitive to nasty language close your eyes now…Or at least this entry*****

 

I truly am not an evil person…..so I may have small teeny tiny little devil horns holding up my halo, but really I am one of the sweetest nicest people you will ever meet unless you royally piss me off or cross me. Then ok I will be an evil bitch, your worst nightmare, and none of that keep your enemy’s closer shit…such bullshit.

I have a love hate relationship with Facebook, like most people I am sure. It is like a fucking traffic jam for people’s whiny ass drama or just people complaining all the fucking time!! Like seriously get over it all ready, so the douche bag does not like you, oh fucking well, they probably have three other side pieces anyways…or oh you hate your job…they treat you unfair…hmmm have you taken a look in the mirror!!??? Probably not, because if so all of your questions would be answered! Stop complaining, get over your bullshit, pull up your big girl panties, grab a tissue, and get on with your life. Nobody cares. They are all just too nice to say shut the fuck up!!!

I think it is hilarious when you come across those posts and it takes everything you have not to comment, when you just really really want to say something and your fingers start to twitch, you know that feeling? Well, that happened to me recently. I saw this post. “oh your this and your that and the greatest person blah blah blah”. First, of all really? This person probably had some other side piece in their bed fucking them sideways as this post was being created! But did I comment? No. I behaved. But it took everything I had to not respond!!! So much will power.

Isn’t funny how we read posts on social media from people we know, or posts they are tagged in and cannot help but laugh? People are fucked up. I will fully admit that I am. Like I said small devil horns holding up my halo. Maybe, just maybe my small devil horns are growing…hahaha. Eh, oh well. I am ok with that. Facebook can be quite entertaining if you let it.

Back to this post…you think you know a person, but do we ever truly know somebody? Only if they let us in. And by that I mean with everything, they aren’t afraid to tell their secrets, their past, their every fault, what makes them who they are, and they aren’t afraid to be honest. This post, yeah, I was not kidding when I said they probably had some other side piece in their bed fucking them sideways, or continually have another piece of meat in their bed besides this person who thinks they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. If only we truly knew who we were crawling into bed with…or who we thought were our heroes….

Karma is a bitch. Karma is not afraid to fuck up anyone. Karma sees everything.

my devil horns are definitely growing….