i can buy my own damn flowers

There comes a time in life when you realize you do not need that other person in life to buy those flowers sitting in the vase, the diamonds on your fingers, neck, or where ever you choose to wear them on your body, the vehicle you drive, the food that fills your refrigerator and lines your cabinets; you can dress sexy, put on makeup, have your hair on point all for just you. There are no rules saying you need that special someone to buy you luxury things or flowers. Fuck that shit. Buy that shit for yourself. Be a mother fucking badass and buy it for yourself. Hell, even if you are in a relationship and you are at the store and see a beautiful arrangement of flowers buy them! You deserve them! You work your ass off! If you do not respect yourself and show you are a mother fucking badass do you think anyone else will? No! respect starts from within. Respect yourself, others will follow. Remember treat others how you want to be treated. You want to be treated with respect? Better respect yourself as well. So, if you are walking round with your vagina hanging out and you wonder why you are being treating like a whore…. enough said.

I am a beautiful strong mother fucking woman who is not afraid to look myself in the mirror and admit when I am broken, when I am afraid, when I exhausted, when I am fed up, when I need help (asking for it is a different story), when I need to lift myself up, when I need to tell myself I am a sexy beast (yes I do this, because selflove is a real thing), when I judge myself, when I destroy myself, and when I need to remind myself that I am a strong beautiful amazing mother, daughter, sister, friend, person, and woman.

I have had a rough couple of weeks. I have been down. I had a handful of strong women reel me back in, so thankful I have them in my life, and a couple of really close guy friends who also helped remind me that I am a badass. During this time, I came across this pin on Pinterest that said something along that lines of knowing when you are wanted, knowing what you are wanted for, and waiting for the one you deserve. This really hit home on so many levels. It not only was an eye opener, but it made me think about all my relationships with men. Just wow!

I have gone through life allowing many many men to use me as candy. Unwrap me, use me, throw me away, tell your friends how tasty I was, and the cycle starts with someone new. I was so stupid, but the sad part is, so many of us are. And yet we allow it to continue and let this cycle spin on repeat like a broken washing machine.

I know my worth. I know what I bring to the table. I know how hard I love.

After I thought about all of this it hurt. It was a hard dose of reality to swallow, like a sour ball of cum, but instead of spitting it out I swallowed. I looked myself in the mirror and said, “you know what, fuck that shit”.

“Fuck that shit” has really become my new mantra. And I am perfectly okay with that. So, I continued to look at myself and decided I am not a piece of candy. I am not some booty call. You want a one-night stand, a booty call, any of that, then I am not your girl. I have toys and my hands and can please myself probably better than any man can…

As I was saying you do not need that someone special in your life to spoil yourself. You are a badass and can do it yourself. Go out and buy those flowers or that piece of jewelry you have been eyeing. Put on that beautiful dress or outfit, do your hair and makeup, take a selfie, post it, show yourself off to the world, use those annoying hashtags, and do not forget to smile. Shine bright for you and nobody else.

The raw truth is I do not need a man to make myself happy. I can make myself happy. Sunshine and Sparkles.

 

 

 

 

 

Nah, I don’t think so

*****warning warning*****this contains cussing*****last chance to stop reading*****you have been warned*****

 

 

I was in a super dark place. It was overwhelming me, choking me, and swallowing me whole. I said fuck that shit. I knew that I could get through it, because I have an amazing support system. Everybody needs to kiss my ass that does not support me, that wants me to be under their control, or that wants to see me fail, because I say fuck you…

That is right you read that correctly. If you cannot be supporting and only want information from me because you are a dirty cum sucking whore, then fuck you…

If you contact me only to use me for whatever game you want to play in your boring life, then fuck you…

If you pretend to like me to my face, but then decide to stab me in the back, then fuck you…

If you only follow me on my social media pages to live your life through mine, then fuck you…

But if you truly care for me, love who I am deep down inside, and have my back through it all then you should already know I love you and care about you too. I will be there for you as well and will continue to share my sunshine and sparkles with you. I will shine bright.

So, you might be sitting there going what in the actual fuck is going on.

It has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster the last few weeks and with the lack of sleep it had put me in a mood…but I survived. I powered on and got through it. It helps if you finally get a good amount of sleep. Who knew? Lol…

I do not suggest operating on three hours of sleep. It does nobody any good. I could literally see it on my face, I mean I still can, but it was way worse. I was not shining bright, I looked like death, and just blah. I was wearing my emotions across my face. My eyes were puffy from the loads of waterfalls that came from my eyes.

You might be wondering why I am sitting here admitting that I was in that place. But I told you this is a place where I will be honest and raw. Why hide? Because someone might judge me? Oh, fucking well. Judge away. I can not worry about what others think of me or say about me. That is no way for a person to live their life. I want to live how I see fit. Not the way the world thinks I should, because someone’s feelings might get hurt. It is ridiculous that society has become full of pussies. Grow a pair of balls and stop being afraid.

How is anyone going to be happy in their own skin, with their own life if they continue to hold back because of someone else’s thoughts about them? Maybe we should feel sorry for those that feel the need to constantly talk bad about other people and walk around like a dull star, because I personally think those are the most miserable people. You know the one’s that want to bring everyone down around them…nope not in my world. I say fuck that shit.

Sure, I have judged people, we all do. But I will not bring someone down because I am bored in life. No, I have decided a while ago to live to my fullest. To shine, to smile everyday no matter what, to be happy, and not to let anyone control my happiness. But these past couple weeks I slipped, fell, hit my head on every surface on the way down to the damp cold numbness that darkness brings. And today I decided to say fuck that shit.

I am going to refocus and make sure this does not happen again. I love life way too fucking much to allow this. I will continue to shine, share my happiness, smile, be strong for my family, and send sparkles everywhere.

Sunshine and sparkles!!

food baby

Over the last eight weeks I have been competing in a fitness bikini challenge. This is the last week. I had to take updated pictures by today. I knew that it was going to be impossible to take my pictures today, because the kids and I were going to be leaving in the morning for vacation. So last night I told the kids I need to take new pictures. My eight-year-old daughter instantly volunteered. (she has been my little photographer the last several months.) I go and get dressed, my make up on, and fix my hair. My 12 year-old daughter sees me and tells me what an awesome job I have done and how proud she is of me….melts my heart. I love that my kids have gotten so involved in supported me in this challenge. My son goes running with me and when I feel like I can not keep going he runs alongside me and tells me I can. How did I get so lucky?

I also wanted to take my photos last night because hello road trip means non-stop stuffing my face…so then of course I stuff my face and instant food baby!!! Ugh!!! This thought is running through my head the whole time I am having my youngest daughter take my pictures last night. Not to mention I have been giving at least 60-75% each week to get into shape. The last thing I need everyone to think is I am prego!!! Hell no!!! tubes be tied….not only that but you have to have sex to make a baby, duh!! No sex life here…hahaha!!! TMI, I know.

I was trying not to laugh during this little photo shoot, because that is exactly what it turned into. My girls had me to pose this way and that way. It was a fun way to spend part of the evening even though we should have been packing for our trip. But anyways I am trying not laugh, because I have this image of a food baby developing in my belly and whether I had one at that current moment. Then I instantly went to thinking people are going to think I am pregnant, but no sex life…and I just mentally lost control. I knew if I started to laugh out loud I would have to explain why and I did not know how I would explain that to my eight year-old let alone my 15 year-old son, who would probably roll his eyes, and they would end up getting stuck in his head, just my luck. Oh, the fun life I live. I am sure he would have also turned beet red, haha!!!

Now that we are checked into our hotel I am glad I took my pictures yesterday, because major food baby going on right now. I snacked, healthy, the whole time just to try and stay awake. The road was getting to me, not to mention I thought it might be a good idea to try and listen to an audio book. MAJOR FAIL!!! I do not know how people can do that while driving. It was zzzzzz time for me. I had to stop at the first rest stop and attempt to wake myself up. Nothing was working. I even smacked myself a few times…so naturally I snacked for eight hours…just stuffed my face. I drank an energy drink thinking, “hey this says max strength I should wake right up” yeah ok, lies!!! But we made it safe, had to pay to use a toilet, ask for straws (sorry I use straws) people just need to stop littering and the turtles will be fine, and now its after 11 pm and guess what??? I am wide awake….mother fucker….

 

Simply Me

****WARNING****RELEASING INFORMATION THAT MAY UPSET****

 

 

As I sit here and reflect on my 35 years it makes me want to cry for the things I have gone through but smile ecstatically for the things I have overcome. Showing true strength becoming the mother I am, the woman I am has made me so happy. Here I sit 35 years old going through everything I have gone through; things people could not even imagine. The darkest of days, darkest of things and I can honestly say I am proud of who I am right now, and I hope I can continue to grow and show my children that you can overcome anything if you can find light in the darkest moment. I can say I love myself. It has been a challenge, but I do love who I am and who I continue to grow to be.

When I was 16 I liked to party, a lot. I mean seriously what teenager does not want to go out and party or break the rules their parents set? I unfortunately remember everything that happens when I am drunk. I decided it would be a good idea to drink shots, lots of them, of Southern Comfort. If I remember correctly someone had placed sleeping pills in the bottle. There was this boy who took advantage of me. “NO” meant nothing. I remember later that evening I had to be carried out to the car, because I was so out of it. At this point in my life I spiraled out of control. Alcohol took my dark thoughts away. I drank and drank. Which made darker thoughts enter. I felt so alone. I was ashamed. I did not want to tell my parents. I thought it was my fault even though I said “no”. I would have never thought a friend would have done something like that. Obviously as I grew older I realized he was not a friend, just an asshole. My whole world changed. I hated life for a long time.

You would have thought I learned my lesson, but alcohol was my friend. I got two minor in consumption tickets three months apart. I was grounded for most my senior year of high school. So. Much. Fun. Not!!! I could not wait to get out of Nevada. Then I decided to stay…all because I met a boy. HAHA!! But I did eventually realize I needed to join the Army like I had planned. We joined together, this boy and I. We left at separate times. Alcohol still my friend. Want to challenge me to drink? I accepted all the time. Stupid me.

Because of things that happened early in this path of mine it only made my world darker. I did not know how to survive. Then I found out I was pregnant with my son. My whole world changed. I would like to say I was able to stay out of the darkness, but I was not strong enough. After I moved back to the states I fell back into drinking to “solve” my problems. When I got pregnant with my first daughter I finally woke up. She was my saving grace. I realized I needed to make some serious changes in my life.

Alcohol was no longer my problem solver. Counseling was. I had an amazing counselor who helped me become stronger to face the things I needed to face and make the changes I needed to make. Alcohol was now just a social thing. I was finding myself again. Growing as a mother and woman.

Years passed, and I found a new guy. He was there for me through my brother being deployed and my grandfather’s death. He helped me going through all the dark moments I was experiencing. He mellowed me out. Became my best friend.

Fast forward to today. I have been through many different things that make me who I am. I only touched on a few things with this post. I have lived a dark life, but I decided to look for the little amount of light that was shining through. When I found the light, I looked at life much differently. Yes, it was awful the things I have gone through, but I went through them for a reason. Without my experiences I would not be the woman I am today. I am strong for the things I have seen, survived, and overcome. It may not make sense to some, but I am glad I have experienced what I have. I have life experience that helps me help others.

I love myself. I love my life. I love where I am in my life. I am truly happy. I found happiness within myself which has allowed me to shine bright. I can feel myself glowing from the inside out. Life is amazing. Life is beautiful. I am blessed that I get to share this beautiful life with my three amazing children, my family, and my friends.

 

 

 

Accepting myself

Life does not always go the way you planned. I know that mine has not. But I am finally accepting that the chapters in my life will always be a roller coaster of unknown twists, turns, and bumps. Over the last several months I have learned more than I thought I would. I know that people never change, but what I did not realize was that I would allow some people to show me again why I decided to go the path I did. Then I trusted people, I let my walls down again, and for what? To get smashed like a bug? I am over letting people treat me the way they do. I know what I deserve and my worth. I know what I have to offer. I need to stop blaming myself for the way others treat me. It is not my fault they feel so low of themselves or life that they must treat others with no respect or like their emotions and feelings do not matter.

I built a fortress to protect myself a few years ago. Over the last five months or so I decided I could slowly let the walls down, but now I can not help but wonder if that was a huge mistake. I already have major trust issues with so many people in my life, but I thought, “you know Heather maybe it is time to allow yourself to let people back in”, boy what a lesson I learned.

Quality is far better than quantity. I thought I could give another chance to some then I realized I should not have done so, because they will always be that same type of person they we were when they hurt me the first time. Then I decided why not make new friends and start to break the walls down further…yeah I did this, and I was very successful. But, guess what…people just ended up letting me down and hurting me. The best part is I thought it was my fault again…

I have been stressed to the max lately…I just purchased my first home and that was a process which only added the fuel to my fireball of stress. Then I added more to it by over thinking bullshit. Again, I know what I have to offer, I know my worth, and I know how I deserve to be treated. Thankfully when I started to slip into the dark hole of pointing the finger at myself my amazing super close friends pulled me out and held me up reminding me I deserve so much better than what I was being offered.

I am a beautiful strong woman. I deserve friends who are going to be upfront, honest, and caring. Not friends who are going to talk about me behind my back, (but pretend to care about me to my face), or friends who decide to completely ghost me for unknown reasons.

I can honestly say I can count the number of true friends I have, not counting my siblings, on one hand. When I came to this realization I went through my friends list on Facebook and unfriended 20 “friends” immediately no hesitation. It felt wonderful. I had 289 friends on there and all I could think when I went through the list was, “if I needed something would this person care or if something happened to me would they miss me” if the answer was no bye bye they went.

I am at that age in my life where I am over the selfish bullshit attitudes, the bitchiness for no fucking reason, and the high school drama. I do not have time for it and even if I did I would not want it in my life. I am so sorry to those that feel their lives suck…guess what, someone somewhere in the world probably has it worse. At least we wake up every day, get to see the sunrise or sunset, drink fresh water, have access to health care, and have a home to live in. Put a smile on your face, leave the attitude away from everyone, and enjoy life.

I could not image walking through life, every day, with attitude and anger. It has got to be exhausting. I do not know who would want to live like that, but I do know several people that put the negative attitude hat on every day even though they actually have a pretty good life. Suck it up, build the bridge, and get the fuck over yourself. Nobody wants to deal with the negative bullshit selfish attitude some carry around with them. All it does is change the atmosphere and I am over it. If you cannot build the bridge to get over your bullshit excuses of why your life sucks, wad them up and shove them up your ass.

Cleansing my life and remembering what I am worth, making sure I apply that to every day has changed my life. Now I need to work on not letting attitudes and bullshit affect me, so I can continue to send sunshine and sparkles out and radiate my true self without fear of what others think or what they might say behind my back. I am accepting myself, my life, and remembering life is amazing.

Just a line

There comes a time in life when you realize you will always be just a line in a paragraph in someone else’s chapter. Or maybe you will actually be a whole paragraph, or maybe you were a whole chapter. This got me thinking. I do a lot of thinking. When I start to think sometimes I drive myself insane, I spin in circles, mentally in overdrive flying over speed bumps landing hard and giving myself whiplash. Stupid girl! Yes, I just called myself stupid, because that is what I am when I allow myself to spin in my own crazy thoughts. I know I am not the only one that spins crazy when thoughts get overwhelming.

I started writing this a few weeks ago and again I hated where it was going so I left it alone. I seem to be doing that I a lot. But I have a vision. I know what I want to write and what I do not. So, I let this sit here until I was ready to come back to it. I am still not sure I am ready to finish this piece, but for some reason here I sit typing away random nonsense that is filling my head hoping something will come of this.

Over the last several weeks I have realized many things that I think I just pushed aside for long periods of time, because I was not ready to face them. This is how this entry started. Maybe I was still afraid to face a few things when I started this, but I have decided that I can no longer live in fear. If I constantly walk around hiding and living in the shadows I will never allow myself to fully live. I want to live life to its fullest. I want to feel the sun kiss my skin, the wind chill me to my bones, I want to run in the rain, and breathe in the fresh smells of the seasons changing. I cannot do this if I hide from everything.

I do not want to be some line in someone else’s paragraph or chapter. I want to make my own story, my own path, when there is a fork in the road I want to be able to say I decided to take this path, because of blah blah blah and if you want to judge look in the mirror first. The only way I can do this is by allowing myself to stop hiding, to create my own story, and to welcome change.

Haters are going to hate. People are not going to like what I have to say. I must be okay with this. I am getting ready to share my blog on my social media pages with my family and friends that have no idea this exists. I am nervous, scared, but again I need to stop living in the shadows and embrace who I truly am. This is me. I am a writer. I am a powerful beautiful mother, woman, and just a down to earth girl who wants to live life to the fullest and stop letting everyone dictate how I live. I want to show my kids to live life and not be afraid of what anyone thinks of you. Everyone judges. It is in our nature. But it is up to everyone to choose how they handle the judgement. I have decided I will face it head on, and no longer be afraid. I am living for myself and my family. I need to be strong for us. I need to be true to who I am, own who I am, and show my children this. I want to be a great role model and I certainly do not want to settle to be just a line in a paragraph in someone else’s chapter. That is not who I am.

Heatherzilla

I can not hide anything. My face says everything. Want to know if I dislike you? Look at my face. Want to know if I like being around you? Look at my face. I have resting bitch face, no doubt about it, and it shows every emotion I feel. It is horrible. I wish there were times when I could shut it off. Be a chameleon. But then I would not be true to who I am. Better to be honest, blunt. It is not my fault if a person cannot handle it. Just means we are not meant to be friends. Move over, get out of my way, I do not have time for those who cannot handle the truth. The truth hurts. It can knock a person down. Get up. Dust yourself off. Grow from it. Remain positive. Keep facing the truth. It only makes you stronger.

I am probably annoyingly positive to a lot of people, but I do not give a shit. I walk around with this evil look of hate in my eyes, beautiful smile, fuck it all attitude, and always have a positive view on everything, at times. There are times when I let my eyes light up full of the happiness I feel to go along with my smile and attitude. Life is too short to be negative about everything. I am living for my children and myself. I will live how I want and if people do not like it, oh fucking well. Get your own life. Stop stalking me on social media, yeah you know who you are. Yes, calling out my haters; let’s face it you are a fan, cannot get enough, because here you are wondering if any of my entries are about you. Honey, if you are wondering, then they probably are.

Haha! For those of you that know me, can you picture my face right now?? Pure resting bitch face with the brightest smile lighting up my eyes! Yeah you all know the face!! LOL!!! Completely enjoying myself right now as I type away on the keyboard, listening to music in the background, the puppies snoring, and the kid’s laughter as they watch silly videos on YouTube.

I am a total bitch and I am okay with that. Some call it being a bitch, others call it being a blunt honest person, either way I truly do not care. I see no reason to apologize for who I am. I will either be accepted for me or not. I am happy and that is all that matters.

People judge. We judge ourselves. We are so worried about what others think. I have too much on my plate, worrying about what everyone thinks about me is something I have decided to push off to the side, dump in the trash can. If someone has a problem with me fine. That is their problem, not mine. I have decided to live life my way. One day at a time. Happy. No longer caring what anyone thinks about me.

It is amazing how changing my out look on life has changed so many things. Not allowing negative thoughts filter their way in every day has been a huge thing. Remembering there is light in every bit of darkness. More positive thoughts begin to out weigh the negative and just these simple changes make life better. It also helps that I no longer care what anyone thinks about me, whether they like me or not, and by no longer apologizing for every little thing has done wonders.

I may wear my emotions on face, like a road map, but truth be told I am okay with this. This way I do not have to baby step around everyone. Everyone already knows where they stand with me.