crazy cat lady

You know what I love about myself? That no matter how dark things seem to be, no matter what negative twist is thrown at me, no matter what it is that enters into my bubble to bring me down I am always able to find that light, that humor, or the positive in every situation.

I have had some dark times in my life. I have had some moments that I would not want anyone to ever experience. I have had times that I thought I would never see the positive again, but here I am shining bright. Living life everyday with a beautiful smile on my face.

We all have choices. We are responsible for the decisions we make in life. These decisions take us down certain paths. We get to decide if we add the positivity or the negativity on these paths. I did not realize this when I was younger. I realized this when I was in my mid 20’s, more mature, and more focused on what was really important.

Then in the last few years so much happened. So many changes. Some dark. Some good. Some scary. But I remained positive. Focused. Sure, I had my dark depressed moments, but seriously who does not have those moments? If you say you have never had one of those moments, I am going to call bullshit! We are human. We are going to have our moments.

I feel ready for the next chapter in my life to start. But the dating world is just not going to happen. So, I have decided I am just going to become a crazy cat lady. Lol. But I promise my house will not smell like cat. I love Bath and Body Works way too much for a stinky house!! Lol. Wallflowers and candles everywhere to smother out the smell. Lol. Oh my goodness…I crack myself up.

We decide what path we walk along. Whether it is the path of happiness with green grass full of laughter and smiles or the path of darkness with tears and pain that haunts us for the decisions we made. Sometimes we decide to live a little bit of both. Devil on one shoulder, angel on the other. I have lived a life like this. I have learned so many lessons.

So, I can say I am not happy with everything I have done in my life, I have learned from them, I love who I have become, and I will for certain never become a crazy cat lady…if I do please send someone to rescue me!!! Lol. Thanks in advance!!

Sunshine and sparkles!! Put a smile on that beautiful face!!

 

 

i can buy my own damn flowers

There comes a time in life when you realize you do not need that other person in life to buy those flowers sitting in the vase, the diamonds on your fingers, neck, or where ever you choose to wear them on your body, the vehicle you drive, the food that fills your refrigerator and lines your cabinets; you can dress sexy, put on makeup, have your hair on point all for just you. There are no rules saying you need that special someone to buy you luxury things or flowers. Fuck that shit. Buy that shit for yourself. Be a mother fucking badass and buy it for yourself. Hell, even if you are in a relationship and you are at the store and see a beautiful arrangement of flowers buy them! You deserve them! You work your ass off! If you do not respect yourself and show you are a mother fucking badass do you think anyone else will? No! respect starts from within. Respect yourself, others will follow. Remember treat others how you want to be treated. You want to be treated with respect? Better respect yourself as well. So, if you are walking round with your vagina hanging out and you wonder why you are being treating like a whore…. enough said.

I am a beautiful strong mother fucking woman who is not afraid to look myself in the mirror and admit when I am broken, when I am afraid, when I exhausted, when I am fed up, when I need help (asking for it is a different story), when I need to lift myself up, when I need to tell myself I am a sexy beast (yes I do this, because selflove is a real thing), when I judge myself, when I destroy myself, and when I need to remind myself that I am a strong beautiful amazing mother, daughter, sister, friend, person, and woman.

I have had a rough couple of weeks. I have been down. I had a handful of strong women reel me back in, so thankful I have them in my life, and a couple of really close guy friends who also helped remind me that I am a badass. During this time, I came across this pin on Pinterest that said something along that lines of knowing when you are wanted, knowing what you are wanted for, and waiting for the one you deserve. This really hit home on so many levels. It not only was an eye opener, but it made me think about all my relationships with men. Just wow!

I have gone through life allowing many many men to use me as candy. Unwrap me, use me, throw me away, tell your friends how tasty I was, and the cycle starts with someone new. I was so stupid, but the sad part is, so many of us are. And yet we allow it to continue and let this cycle spin on repeat like a broken washing machine.

I know my worth. I know what I bring to the table. I know how hard I love.

After I thought about all of this it hurt. It was a hard dose of reality to swallow, like a sour ball of cum, but instead of spitting it out I swallowed. I looked myself in the mirror and said, “you know what, fuck that shit”.

“Fuck that shit” has really become my new mantra. And I am perfectly okay with that. So, I continued to look at myself and decided I am not a piece of candy. I am not some booty call. You want a one-night stand, a booty call, any of that, then I am not your girl. I have toys and my hands and can please myself probably better than any man can…

As I was saying you do not need that someone special in your life to spoil yourself. You are a badass and can do it yourself. Go out and buy those flowers or that piece of jewelry you have been eyeing. Put on that beautiful dress or outfit, do your hair and makeup, take a selfie, post it, show yourself off to the world, use those annoying hashtags, and do not forget to smile. Shine bright for you and nobody else.

The raw truth is I do not need a man to make myself happy. I can make myself happy. Sunshine and Sparkles.

 

 

 

 

 

food baby

Over the last eight weeks I have been competing in a fitness bikini challenge. This is the last week. I had to take updated pictures by today. I knew that it was going to be impossible to take my pictures today, because the kids and I were going to be leaving in the morning for vacation. So last night I told the kids I need to take new pictures. My eight-year-old daughter instantly volunteered. (she has been my little photographer the last several months.) I go and get dressed, my make up on, and fix my hair. My 12 year-old daughter sees me and tells me what an awesome job I have done and how proud she is of me….melts my heart. I love that my kids have gotten so involved in supported me in this challenge. My son goes running with me and when I feel like I can not keep going he runs alongside me and tells me I can. How did I get so lucky?

I also wanted to take my photos last night because hello road trip means non-stop stuffing my face…so then of course I stuff my face and instant food baby!!! Ugh!!! This thought is running through my head the whole time I am having my youngest daughter take my pictures last night. Not to mention I have been giving at least 60-75% each week to get into shape. The last thing I need everyone to think is I am prego!!! Hell no!!! tubes be tied….not only that but you have to have sex to make a baby, duh!! No sex life here…hahaha!!! TMI, I know.

I was trying not to laugh during this little photo shoot, because that is exactly what it turned into. My girls had me to pose this way and that way. It was a fun way to spend part of the evening even though we should have been packing for our trip. But anyways I am trying not laugh, because I have this image of a food baby developing in my belly and whether I had one at that current moment. Then I instantly went to thinking people are going to think I am pregnant, but no sex life…and I just mentally lost control. I knew if I started to laugh out loud I would have to explain why and I did not know how I would explain that to my eight year-old let alone my 15 year-old son, who would probably roll his eyes, and they would end up getting stuck in his head, just my luck. Oh, the fun life I live. I am sure he would have also turned beet red, haha!!!

Now that we are checked into our hotel I am glad I took my pictures yesterday, because major food baby going on right now. I snacked, healthy, the whole time just to try and stay awake. The road was getting to me, not to mention I thought it might be a good idea to try and listen to an audio book. MAJOR FAIL!!! I do not know how people can do that while driving. It was zzzzzz time for me. I had to stop at the first rest stop and attempt to wake myself up. Nothing was working. I even smacked myself a few times…so naturally I snacked for eight hours…just stuffed my face. I drank an energy drink thinking, “hey this says max strength I should wake right up” yeah ok, lies!!! But we made it safe, had to pay to use a toilet, ask for straws (sorry I use straws) people just need to stop littering and the turtles will be fine, and now its after 11 pm and guess what??? I am wide awake….mother fucker….

 

Accepting myself

Life does not always go the way you planned. I know that mine has not. But I am finally accepting that the chapters in my life will always be a roller coaster of unknown twists, turns, and bumps. Over the last several months I have learned more than I thought I would. I know that people never change, but what I did not realize was that I would allow some people to show me again why I decided to go the path I did. Then I trusted people, I let my walls down again, and for what? To get smashed like a bug? I am over letting people treat me the way they do. I know what I deserve and my worth. I know what I have to offer. I need to stop blaming myself for the way others treat me. It is not my fault they feel so low of themselves or life that they must treat others with no respect or like their emotions and feelings do not matter.

I built a fortress to protect myself a few years ago. Over the last five months or so I decided I could slowly let the walls down, but now I can not help but wonder if that was a huge mistake. I already have major trust issues with so many people in my life, but I thought, “you know Heather maybe it is time to allow yourself to let people back in”, boy what a lesson I learned.

Quality is far better than quantity. I thought I could give another chance to some then I realized I should not have done so, because they will always be that same type of person they we were when they hurt me the first time. Then I decided why not make new friends and start to break the walls down further…yeah I did this, and I was very successful. But, guess what…people just ended up letting me down and hurting me. The best part is I thought it was my fault again…

I have been stressed to the max lately…I just purchased my first home and that was a process which only added the fuel to my fireball of stress. Then I added more to it by over thinking bullshit. Again, I know what I have to offer, I know my worth, and I know how I deserve to be treated. Thankfully when I started to slip into the dark hole of pointing the finger at myself my amazing super close friends pulled me out and held me up reminding me I deserve so much better than what I was being offered.

I am a beautiful strong woman. I deserve friends who are going to be upfront, honest, and caring. Not friends who are going to talk about me behind my back, (but pretend to care about me to my face), or friends who decide to completely ghost me for unknown reasons.

I can honestly say I can count the number of true friends I have, not counting my siblings, on one hand. When I came to this realization I went through my friends list on Facebook and unfriended 20 “friends” immediately no hesitation. It felt wonderful. I had 289 friends on there and all I could think when I went through the list was, “if I needed something would this person care or if something happened to me would they miss me” if the answer was no bye bye they went.

I am at that age in my life where I am over the selfish bullshit attitudes, the bitchiness for no fucking reason, and the high school drama. I do not have time for it and even if I did I would not want it in my life. I am so sorry to those that feel their lives suck…guess what, someone somewhere in the world probably has it worse. At least we wake up every day, get to see the sunrise or sunset, drink fresh water, have access to health care, and have a home to live in. Put a smile on your face, leave the attitude away from everyone, and enjoy life.

I could not image walking through life, every day, with attitude and anger. It has got to be exhausting. I do not know who would want to live like that, but I do know several people that put the negative attitude hat on every day even though they actually have a pretty good life. Suck it up, build the bridge, and get the fuck over yourself. Nobody wants to deal with the negative bullshit selfish attitude some carry around with them. All it does is change the atmosphere and I am over it. If you cannot build the bridge to get over your bullshit excuses of why your life sucks, wad them up and shove them up your ass.

Cleansing my life and remembering what I am worth, making sure I apply that to every day has changed my life. Now I need to work on not letting attitudes and bullshit affect me, so I can continue to send sunshine and sparkles out and radiate my true self without fear of what others think or what they might say behind my back. I am accepting myself, my life, and remembering life is amazing.

Just a line

There comes a time in life when you realize you will always be just a line in a paragraph in someone else’s chapter. Or maybe you will actually be a whole paragraph, or maybe you were a whole chapter. This got me thinking. I do a lot of thinking. When I start to think sometimes I drive myself insane, I spin in circles, mentally in overdrive flying over speed bumps landing hard and giving myself whiplash. Stupid girl! Yes, I just called myself stupid, because that is what I am when I allow myself to spin in my own crazy thoughts. I know I am not the only one that spins crazy when thoughts get overwhelming.

I started writing this a few weeks ago and again I hated where it was going so I left it alone. I seem to be doing that I a lot. But I have a vision. I know what I want to write and what I do not. So, I let this sit here until I was ready to come back to it. I am still not sure I am ready to finish this piece, but for some reason here I sit typing away random nonsense that is filling my head hoping something will come of this.

Over the last several weeks I have realized many things that I think I just pushed aside for long periods of time, because I was not ready to face them. This is how this entry started. Maybe I was still afraid to face a few things when I started this, but I have decided that I can no longer live in fear. If I constantly walk around hiding and living in the shadows I will never allow myself to fully live. I want to live life to its fullest. I want to feel the sun kiss my skin, the wind chill me to my bones, I want to run in the rain, and breathe in the fresh smells of the seasons changing. I cannot do this if I hide from everything.

I do not want to be some line in someone else’s paragraph or chapter. I want to make my own story, my own path, when there is a fork in the road I want to be able to say I decided to take this path, because of blah blah blah and if you want to judge look in the mirror first. The only way I can do this is by allowing myself to stop hiding, to create my own story, and to welcome change.

Haters are going to hate. People are not going to like what I have to say. I must be okay with this. I am getting ready to share my blog on my social media pages with my family and friends that have no idea this exists. I am nervous, scared, but again I need to stop living in the shadows and embrace who I truly am. This is me. I am a writer. I am a powerful beautiful mother, woman, and just a down to earth girl who wants to live life to the fullest and stop letting everyone dictate how I live. I want to show my kids to live life and not be afraid of what anyone thinks of you. Everyone judges. It is in our nature. But it is up to everyone to choose how they handle the judgement. I have decided I will face it head on, and no longer be afraid. I am living for myself and my family. I need to be strong for us. I need to be true to who I am, own who I am, and show my children this. I want to be a great role model and I certainly do not want to settle to be just a line in a paragraph in someone else’s chapter. That is not who I am.

Red Roses

The scent of roses fills the air. Looking around I am surrounded by a sea of red, pink, and white. Vomit! Beautiful flower arrangements making my head spin as I can no longer contain my laughter at the ridiculous amount of effort people spend on one fucking day to show their love or possible love for a person. There’s 364 other days to show how much appreciate and love one has for another and yet most people wait until this one day to show it. Seriously? WTF?

I would rather get flowers any other day of the year except on Valentine’s Day or Mother’s Day. Those are days flowers are excepted.

My thoughts. Just because he got you a dozen beautiful red roses for Valentine’s Day does not mean he loves you. Sweetheart here are some simple hard truths; like I said before it’s expected to get flower’s on Valentines Day, and since when does receiving flowers mean someone loves you? Trust me flowers don’t mean shit. You can sit there and pull the petals; he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not. We do not live in a cartoon, a utopia, or a fantasy world. We live in a real world. A world where everyone is too sensitive to face the truth.

Now if you get your favorite flower on a random day thought went into it. The man knows you, he thought about you, he wanted to make you feel warm and melt on the inside. If the flower is in your favorite color, then damn that man better get him some extra loving between the sheets. Lol.

Cut flowers die. The water gets nasty and stinky. Potted flowers last. They represent growth, nurturing, love, and so much more than cut flowers. They are flowers you can replant and have a constant reminder of how the person feels about you. They grow as the relationship grows.

He loves me…he loves me not…he loves me…he loves me not…

Facing the truth sucks. It’s the worst. But at some point, we must do it. We have to look in the mirror, be brave, swallow our pride, and really be honest with ourselves. I know I can be the sweetest nicest person until someone pisses me off then I can become the biggest bitch out there. I walk around with resting bitch face because of this most people find me unapproachable or intimidating as I have been told lately. I was raised to take shit from no one. I am also not afraid of who I am and the things I have done. Why be afraid of who we truly are and the things we have chosen to do? Grow a pair, face the truth, and own who you are.

We’ve pulled the petals from the flowers, faced the truth (maybe), and still we sit here with these unrealistic thoughts that fill our heads, overwhelm our every emotion making us sensitive whiny people who complain about everything that does not go our way. For fucks sake you just decided a man loves you because he bought you roses on a fucking overrated holiday!! Ugh and I thought I had problems…I mean I do, but damn at least I am realistic lol…

Flowers don’t mean shit. You can pull all the petals you want or post all the pictures taken to show “love” or “happiness”, but its all show, what happens when the doors are closed? Or there’s no audience? That’s the raw truth…can you face it?