hangry bitch

Do they make a gluten-free Snickers? Because I have been one hangry bitch lately.

My inner bitch has been at an all-time high. I try to hold it in, hide it, but it’s difficult. I know everyone can see it, feel it radiate off of me. Afterall I wear my emotions on the outside. I’m like a fucking glow stick…glowing bitch coming through…

Sometimes life gets overwhelming. We can’t always process everything into neat little boxes and stack them in organized rows…well I can’t. I am not that kind of person. I am like the White Rabbit in a four-lane highway trying not to get run over attempting to head down the rabbit hole. I freeze when the headlights shine deep into my soul and BOOM I get hit, run over, guts everywhere to the point I am this fucking major bitch nobody wants to be around. The sunshine and sparkles leave my body and the devil horns holding my halo double in size. I only seem to be nice to certain people and others better duck for cover. Sweet nice Heather has left the building.

I like to analyze what in the actual fuck caused me to act in such a horrible way. This is when I put the boxes in a some what organized ordered…still not organized, still a mess, because let’s face the truth, I run off chaos, spinning in 15 different directions at once. I’m like a first timer at Disneyland. Pretty sure I developed ADHD once I became a 911 dispatcher. Even if you read my blog, some of the entries are all over the place. Ever have a conversation with me? expect to have several in one. Lmao..it’s just who I am. I only know how to relax when I am at the beach with a drink in my hand, maybe, just kidding, I relax around the right people.

Things do not always go the way we want them too. We can hope, pray, build ourselves up to the point that when they don’t go our way, we get so upset we take it out on those closest to us. We make ourselves so sick, stressed to the point we can’t sleep or eat, and it feels like Darth Vader has a grip around our necks. We breakout, our bodies fight against us telling us to knock it off, and yet we still are our own worst enemies.

Life isn’t a Disney fairytale. I can’t sit there feeding the animals, singing to them on how wonderful life is. I love being a mom, but at times my heart breaks. I built myself up, knowing the outcome wasn’t going to be in my favor, but I was still hopeful like a princess locked in her tower. Then as I was asking the question, I was telling myself “stop you already know the answer” and as she sat there not wanting to look me in the eye, she gave me her answer. I looked away so she couldn’t see the tears fill my eyes. That was just the start…my sadness grew into anger as every little thing around me started to bother me. “you need to do this before you get hurt, do that, why are you doing this…” seriously I didn’t know that everyone else was in charge of my life.

I sat frozen in the headlights. Just sitting there. Hearing everything that was going on around me, but not wanting to participate, because I knew the words wouldn’t come out right. I knew I would sound like a hate filled soulless empty monster if I opened my mouth. I had to remain chill so the vomit wouldn’t spew from my lips. Everyone knew I had something to say. Oh well. I didn’t sleep. The stress, the lack of words, the anger kept me tossing and turning. The feeling of not belonging anywhere, lost, hurt, the anger, it was all too much for me to handle. I felt broken. I was too angry to cry that night.

 Turning my alarm off before it annoyed me was becoming a new habit. I was in such a stellar mood…as if…I was worse than normal. I would have made the perfect Grumpy. The day dragged to make it even worse; I am sure it was punishing me for my behavior for the week. Laughing at me for being such a bitch. Even when I left, I wasn’t okay. I was angry.

I just wanted to cry to release all the emotion building inside me. I got home and snapped at my teenage daughter like she was in the fast lane driving at a snail’s pace. I decided I needed to burn in hell. In the scolding hot shower, the tears rolled down my cheeks. Fucking finally! Seriously, sometimes a good cry helps!

Things usually don’t bother me like this. I am the type to let things roll off me, knowing I can’t control the universe, knowing karma will catch those that deserve it, and I always find the light in the darkest moments. I am the one that shines and brings the sparkles to people’s day, but here I was, dark, gloomy like Eeyore. Lost.

Later words were shared, hugs given and I knew everything was going to be okay. I finally slept, like Sleeping Beauty waiting for Prince Phillip’s kiss. I woke up not to my alarm, but not from my stress either, I woke up next to someone who cares deeply, who woke me in a caring gentle way.

Finally, I felt more like myself than I have in days. I might have been like the White Rabbit in traffic for a few days at work and around certain people, but I think when the boxes pile up, the stack gets too high, we get overwhelmed with the chaos of the environment, and we can’t handle it all, because we are afraid of what will happen when we clean up the mess or face our feelings on situations occurring in our personal lives. Instead of being a rabbit in the headlights, spinning uncontrollably, or choking on life it is important to remind ourselves we need to breathe, we have to look at the positives and remember we are cared about. We need to rely and go to those who care and love us when we need it most, before we hop on Mr. Toads Wild Ride.

PS…I need some Disneyland….

she is peachy

She was always normally happy, full of life, or cheerful, but sometimes she had those days or moments when she was upset, sad, angry, and during these times it did not mean she was not happy or her sparkly self, it just meant she was having a bad day or did not feel like herself. She is after all human.  

The cut was deeper than expected. Tears began to fall. They filled the wound with a slight sting, which was a reminder of the pain she knew would eventually happen.  It was worse than she expected and at that moment she realized she was not as dark and dead inside as she had thought.

Tears continued to fall and dampen her cheeks. She laid there looking at the messages being passed back and forth, not exactly sure how to feel. Upset, torn, hurt, within herself at that moment. This was a conversation she did not want to have through text. It was something she wanted in person. But she was cursed. Everyone could feel her every emotion whether through text, posts, in person, or over the phone. Her emotions, feelings, thoughts are worn like a jacket.

This lost soul felt like this year had been a challenge on so many different levels. January started out great, but it dragged. There was concern that the year was going to take forever, but excitement still filled the air. Then it all just fell apart. She held her head high and remained positive, found the light in everything like she always did. This year did drag, it did take forever, hell it’s still going, but there were many things she learned about herself. Things she even learned about family and friends. New friends were made, who became family. Even with how difficult this year has been she is thankful for it, because without it she would not have grown in the way she did this year. Yes, there still would have been growth within her, but it would have been different. She felt this growth that has taken place within her this year has made her stronger, more vocal, not as afraid to be herself.

Thankful for the friendships created this year, the bonds that have turned friends into family, the true colors that have been brought out in people. The lessons that have been taught. The growth that has happened. The beauty in this dark year. People started to be nice again for a moment, they said hi to strangers, waved, new traditions were created, before it went dark again.

She sat there reflecting on everything. Feeling lost. What just happened? There had been such light and happiness, then darkness loomed above her world. She still shined her light through, but you could feel her sadness, the tenderness of pain radiated off of her, her walls went back up as she closed the door and locked away her feelings, because how else to does one swallow something they cannot understand?

She knew she was difficult to love. She knew she was a handful. She knew what her friendship brought to the table, but she also knew she could not keep feeling the way she felt every time she let someone close to her. She has been let down by so many this year and in previous years.

Lonely. She knows she is not alone, but the feeling is overwhelming. Trust. She was told to never trust a soul. Giving the benefit of the doubt has been a weakness. One she is trying to overcome. When she needed someone there was nobody. Her tears fell in silence, tissues mopped them up, her pillow was her shoulder, and she was her own friend.

Friends, some became family, some have been let go, others taught lessons, and there are some that touched her soul. With each she allowed herself to learn, to become stronger, to grow, and to understand that everyone has a story that makes them who they are.

She battles her own battles like everyone else and is still learning that she is not always strong enough to get through them on her own. One day she will be strong enough to ask for help, a shoulder to lean on, and maybe in time she will understand she is not difficult to love or a handful, but that it is all just a part of her journey.