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my path

Sick. That is how I started the beginning of this year. Pale. Weak. Helpless. I could go on and go. I won’t bore you with that. Covid, horrible shit. Long Covid, even worse. Why? Well, because you aren’t just dealing with an illness for a few weeks. You are legit sick for who the fuck knows how long. Some days are better than others and other days just plain suck the life out of you; no energy, you feel like you are getting sick all over again, it’s a feeling you cannot explain. All you want is too just feel like yourself again or at least somewhat normal. Some days I feel like I could run a mile or two again, but I know if I tried, I would probably pass out after ten feet. My life has turned upside down over this. It has been a difficult transition, but I am coping with it better today than I was a few months ago.

Okay, on with my normal 14 open tabs…I have been home for four months, YES four months…hardly able to drive myself for any of it. Puzzle after puzzle, coloring page after coloring page, tissue after tissue of tears; I finally picked myself up and decided to do something about this nonsense. I could have sat here and let this virus continue to get me down, continue to rule most of my life, but then that wouldn’t be me. I am not that kind of person. I am not the person who sits there and takes it up the ass. If it’s up my ass…it’s because I want it there (sorry, not sorry).

I wanted a rollator (walker with wheels), because I was not going to sit there and watch the world go on without me. I have always been competitive and active. And here I was sitting there watching everyone play cornhole without me, I kept getting workout alerts on my Apple watch, etc. So, I was told I didn’t need this walker…like fuck I didn’t. I was so weak I couldn’t go up my damn stairs without losing my breathe, let alone shower without feeling like I was going to pass out. I stood up for myself and demanded this walker. I won…did anyone really doubt I wouldn’t? Bat the eyelashes, flash the smile…lol…insert the unicorn poop.

Yes, I started playing cornhole again. I was weak and still am at times. BUT today I am not using my walker to and from the car; I still need a chair most nights in between my throws, but I am okay with that. Slow and steady wins the race. Can’t just turn the oven on and expect it to be 450 degrees right that second…gotta have water for the water slide…Some things just take time. I am not always patient, but I am learning to be.

Sooo…lately I have been learning to handle this patience. It’s patience with my healing. At first, I was going to take on the normal approach…doctors and medicine…but it wasn’t making me feel better, it was honestly making me feel worse. I did find one doctor that actually listened to me, that would call and check up on me, that encouraged me to continue being strong in being my own advocate and the research I was doing. I was glad to find a doctor like this. It helped me with other doctors, but also made me frustrated when they didn’t listen. This is when I decided to take a different approach. I have always been very down to earth, so why was I not being this way when it comes to my body?? The hell if I know. Well, now I am. I have been feeling so much better. There is a reason most countries are healthier than the states are. There is a reason chemicals are horrible for us. LISTEN TO YOUR FUCKING BODY!!!

Besides the fact that I cannot eat gluten, I have gotten more cautious about checking the labels. I have also gone back to my daily protein shakes. I make sure I am drinking anywhere from half to a full gallon of water again daily. And no alcohol. I feel 100% better. I have energy again. I look health again. People notice. They comment on it. Even for my skin I have gone to natural products. We are what we put into our body’s and what we put on them; as well as how we treat them. If we respect our bodies, our temples; they will respect us.

In the small amount of time since I have started this new path, I have noticed so many differences and I couldn’t be happier. I am so thankful for deciding to make the decisions I have.

Yes, I still have my bad days. I still have my days of weakness where I can’t do much, but guess what, my body is still healing. I was told it could take a year or more to get back to a full recovery. I had to face reality. If I didn’t, I would not have been able to face every day. I would have just been a sad puddle of a couch potato feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I decided to get the fuck up and fight, fight for me. Why? Because who the fuck else is going to fight for me? By the time I get out of bed everyone is at work and school. It was and is up to me to move my body out of bed, downstairs, get some nourishment in my body.

If I had given up I wouldn’t have been able to watch my son walk across the stage in a few weeks to get his high school diploma, or see the excitement on his face when he told me about the internship he will be starting this summer, or hear about the exciting trip my oldest daughter gets to go on in a few years, or watch my youngest daughter join NJHS, enjoy daily conversations with my kids, my daily routines with my boyfriend, my family, my amazing friendships (I can say that because they are quality), the bipolar weather in NV, and life…I love life.

If only people would stop making excuses. I used to be a person who made excuses and sometimes I still do; especially when it comes to certain things. BUT I am trying my hardest to stop making excuses, because I want to feel better; mind and body, and those excuses get you fucking nowhere. Anyways, again get the fuck up off the couch, get yourself together, pull the stick out of your ass, and do what you have to do to make yourself feel better.

It isn’t up to the person sitting next to you to make you better, to make you happy, to make you feel on top the of world, because honey the only thing that is going to make you feel any of that on a regular basis is YOU! Sure, they might make you feel that way for a day, a week, but think about it, do they make you feel that way everyday of every moment? Probably not. They are not in your head, your daily, moment to moment thoughts, because if you are an overthinker like me you overthink it all. Stop waiting for others to make you feel what you need to feel. If you need to feel beautiful, remind yourself you are beautiful, because chances are you are; unless you have an ugly soul; I said what I said.

I make no apologies for who I am. You either love me for who I am or you don’t. Move on if you don’t. I don’t have time for haters. But, most all of us have haters who are secretly fans…*kiss kiss* wink wink* love you bitches…

Love who you are. Take care of you. Make sure you stand up for yourself. Get the help you need. Only you know what it is you need. Listen to you body. Be strong. Be brave. And remember sometimes batteries are your best friend…its okay I won’t tell…

Sunshine, Sparkles, and Mother Fuckin’ Unicorn Poop

blessed

My oldest daughter was a life saver. I was going down a very dark path when I found out I was pregnant with her. I believe she was sent to me for a reason. If I had not gotten pregnant with her I do not know that I would be in the position that I am in today.

Today while she and I were driving we had a very interesting conversation. This conversation made me realize how blessed I am to have my children. They all have brought something special to my life and continue to do so every day.

The conversation my oldest daughter and I had today brought tears to my eyes. She told me what an amazing beautiful woman I am, that I need to take a step back and stop putting her and her siblings first, but not just them. Everyone. She said I put everyone first before myself. She said I need take care of myself, to put myself out there, and allow myself to find love again, because I deserve to be loved. I am not sure if she knew that I was crying, because I had sunglasses on, but now she does as I am sure she will read this. Her words warmed my heart as tears of joy filled my eyes.

This conversation hit me so uniquely. It touched me in a way that I do not think I was expecting it too, I really felt what she was saying, and for one of my kids to tell me “mom get out there, find someone to love you, because you deserve it” just wow.

Self-love is so important. I truly love myself and it took a long time to love who I am. But to have that person who loves you, that somebody else, that significant other that loves you is so much different than self-love. It is a love that you cannot give yourself. My daughter is right.

I have never been that person that ever needed to have that other person before, but over the last probably six months or so I have realized I want that love that I cannot give myself. I want to grow old with that someone that is going to love me for me, treat me right, be faithful, committed, and cherish me. Someone who will be proud to say this woman is mine and I am hers. I want that in my life. I want someone who is going to give me 110% like I will give to them. Someday.

I was driving when I was thinking about this post. The sun was setting. The sky was full of oranges, purples, and pinks. I am not sure what it is about Nevada skies, but wow they blow me away. They are stunning. So many emotions run through me when I watch them. They remind me that the world is still beautiful and peaceful even though there is chaos all around us. Life is like that. It has its chaotic moments but is still beautiful. I want to share my life with someone. I want to sit outside on nights like this, in the crisp fresh air, around the fire pit with someone special, with a glass of wine as the sun sets. I want that. I deserve that.

I have my daughter to thank for reminding me of that. Thank you.

food baby

Over the last eight weeks I have been competing in a fitness bikini challenge. This is the last week. I had to take updated pictures by today. I knew that it was going to be impossible to take my pictures today, because the kids and I were going to be leaving in the morning for vacation. So last night I told the kids I need to take new pictures. My eight-year-old daughter instantly volunteered. (she has been my little photographer the last several months.) I go and get dressed, my make up on, and fix my hair. My 12 year-old daughter sees me and tells me what an awesome job I have done and how proud she is of me….melts my heart. I love that my kids have gotten so involved in supported me in this challenge. My son goes running with me and when I feel like I can not keep going he runs alongside me and tells me I can. How did I get so lucky?

I also wanted to take my photos last night because hello road trip means non-stop stuffing my face…so then of course I stuff my face and instant food baby!!! Ugh!!! This thought is running through my head the whole time I am having my youngest daughter take my pictures last night. Not to mention I have been giving at least 60-75% each week to get into shape. The last thing I need everyone to think is I am prego!!! Hell no!!! tubes be tied….not only that but you have to have sex to make a baby, duh!! No sex life here…hahaha!!! TMI, I know.

I was trying not to laugh during this little photo shoot, because that is exactly what it turned into. My girls had me to pose this way and that way. It was a fun way to spend part of the evening even though we should have been packing for our trip. But anyways I am trying not laugh, because I have this image of a food baby developing in my belly and whether I had one at that current moment. Then I instantly went to thinking people are going to think I am pregnant, but no sex life…and I just mentally lost control. I knew if I started to laugh out loud I would have to explain why and I did not know how I would explain that to my eight year-old let alone my 15 year-old son, who would probably roll his eyes, and they would end up getting stuck in his head, just my luck. Oh, the fun life I live. I am sure he would have also turned beet red, haha!!!

Now that we are checked into our hotel I am glad I took my pictures yesterday, because major food baby going on right now. I snacked, healthy, the whole time just to try and stay awake. The road was getting to me, not to mention I thought it might be a good idea to try and listen to an audio book. MAJOR FAIL!!! I do not know how people can do that while driving. It was zzzzzz time for me. I had to stop at the first rest stop and attempt to wake myself up. Nothing was working. I even smacked myself a few times…so naturally I snacked for eight hours…just stuffed my face. I drank an energy drink thinking, “hey this says max strength I should wake right up” yeah ok, lies!!! But we made it safe, had to pay to use a toilet, ask for straws (sorry I use straws) people just need to stop littering and the turtles will be fine, and now its after 11 pm and guess what??? I am wide awake….mother fucker….

 

Simply Me

****WARNING****RELEASING INFORMATION THAT MAY UPSET****

 

 

As I sit here and reflect on my 35 years it makes me want to cry for the things I have gone through but smile ecstatically for the things I have overcome. Showing true strength becoming the mother I am, the woman I am has made me so happy. Here I sit 35 years old going through everything I have gone through; things people could not even imagine. The darkest of days, darkest of things and I can honestly say I am proud of who I am right now, and I hope I can continue to grow and show my children that you can overcome anything if you can find light in the darkest moment. I can say I love myself. It has been a challenge, but I do love who I am and who I continue to grow to be.

When I was 16 I liked to party, a lot. I mean seriously what teenager does not want to go out and party or break the rules their parents set? I unfortunately remember everything that happens when I am drunk. I decided it would be a good idea to drink shots, lots of them, of Southern Comfort. If I remember correctly someone had placed sleeping pills in the bottle. There was this boy who took advantage of me. “NO” meant nothing. I remember later that evening I had to be carried out to the car, because I was so out of it. At this point in my life I spiraled out of control. Alcohol took my dark thoughts away. I drank and drank. Which made darker thoughts enter. I felt so alone. I was ashamed. I did not want to tell my parents. I thought it was my fault even though I said “no”. I would have never thought a friend would have done something like that. Obviously as I grew older I realized he was not a friend, just an asshole. My whole world changed. I hated life for a long time.

You would have thought I learned my lesson, but alcohol was my friend. I got two minor in consumption tickets three months apart. I was grounded for most my senior year of high school. So. Much. Fun. Not!!! I could not wait to get out of Nevada. Then I decided to stay…all because I met a boy. HAHA!! But I did eventually realize I needed to join the Army like I had planned. We joined together, this boy and I. We left at separate times. Alcohol still my friend. Want to challenge me to drink? I accepted all the time. Stupid me.

Because of things that happened early in this path of mine it only made my world darker. I did not know how to survive. Then I found out I was pregnant with my son. My whole world changed. I would like to say I was able to stay out of the darkness, but I was not strong enough. After I moved back to the states I fell back into drinking to “solve” my problems. When I got pregnant with my first daughter I finally woke up. She was my saving grace. I realized I needed to make some serious changes in my life.

Alcohol was no longer my problem solver. Counseling was. I had an amazing counselor who helped me become stronger to face the things I needed to face and make the changes I needed to make. Alcohol was now just a social thing. I was finding myself again. Growing as a mother and woman.

Years passed, and I found a new guy. He was there for me through my brother being deployed and my grandfather’s death. He helped me going through all the dark moments I was experiencing. He mellowed me out. Became my best friend.

Fast forward to today. I have been through many different things that make me who I am. I only touched on a few things with this post. I have lived a dark life, but I decided to look for the little amount of light that was shining through. When I found the light, I looked at life much differently. Yes, it was awful the things I have gone through, but I went through them for a reason. Without my experiences I would not be the woman I am today. I am strong for the things I have seen, survived, and overcome. It may not make sense to some, but I am glad I have experienced what I have. I have life experience that helps me help others.

I love myself. I love my life. I love where I am in my life. I am truly happy. I found happiness within myself which has allowed me to shine bright. I can feel myself glowing from the inside out. Life is amazing. Life is beautiful. I am blessed that I get to share this beautiful life with my three amazing children, my family, and my friends.

 

 

 

Cancer sucks

****This entry is something I wrote after my Grandpa passed away from cancer. I was involved in Relay for Life for a very long time, I am still a strong supporter of the event. I wrote the first part of this to share my story as to how cancer touched my life. The poem I wrote to read at my Grandpa’s memorial. I wrote it as he was taking his last breath; a moment I will never forget****

My Grandpa was a stubborn man. Up until the very end he fought to do most everything on his own. Then he was gone. There were no more twinkles, no more hugs; all I have left are memories.

I stand here today knowing why I relay. When I first joined Relay for Life in August 2008 I joined to fight for a cure. I joined with the understanding cancer has touched me, but I NEVER EVER thought cancer would touch me how it has now. This evil disease is taking our loved ones from us. It needs to stop.

I relay for Stacey. A friend I met through relay who is one the strongest people I know. I relay for everyone in the park. I relay, because my Grandpa is not going to get to watch his grandchildren and great grandchildren grow and become what ever it is they are meant to become. I relay because he deserved to see his family grow. I relay so your grandparents and parents can watch their children and grandchildren grow. I relay for me. I relay because it is not fair that my Grandfather will not be here to see my little ones grow and change like a grandpa should.

Everyone here deserves to have everyone in their life watch their children become adults and make a difference in this world like we are making a difference with relay. I relay for those who want to give up. I relay for the fight. I relay because I know there is a cure out there. I relay because we should live our life’s without fear of cancer. I relay for more birthdays.

Cancer has touched everyone in the world, some in ways they never thought, others in ways they could not have imagined. Cancer needs to stop touching everyone. I relay.

 

Candles glow flickered with your last breath,

Sitting here crying;

As a chill lifted the room,

You surrounded me with one last hug.

Saying goodbye was hard to do,

No choice I had.

Free of pain,

No longer trapped.

Be in your happy place,

Among nature at its best.

In the garden,

In the forest in Tahoe,

Now with nature

Your free from all the sickness,

Roam,

Be free,

Soar among the birds you once fed,

Watch natures beauty,

Protect it.

Embrace us all with your love,

Love you back,

Sad to see you go,

Surround me with one last hug.

 

My Grandfather was diagnosed with cancer in January 2009. Three months later he took his last breath with his wife and children by his side. One of the last times I saw my Grandpa was the hardest. He did not recognize me. He stood across the room asking who I was in front of everyone. Then as soon as it registered who I was I saw the very last twinkle in my Grandpa’s eye. He came and gave me a hug. I stayed strong and did not shed a tear even though I wanted too.