reflection

When 2020 started I thought it was going to be the longest year ever. January was just tip toeing along like “haha lets drag this out fuckers”. I’m sure it was, because everyone thought 2019 was a crap year. Which I have no clue why. 2019 was a great year for me…but anyways…here we were creeping along and then BOOM! February finally decided to make an appearance. Alright, yes 2020 is finally starting…juuuust kidding….lets go crazy buying all the toilet paper for a respiratory virus…major eye, but I did buy some, just in case I ran out since all these people were freak out shopping like the world was coming to an end. I’ve watched enough Walking Dead, I should be prepared enough, right? Bahahaha…

Everything shut down. Nothing felt normal anymore. I wasn’t even sure what normal was. All of a sudden, I wasn’t just a mom and an essential employee. Overnight I became mom-essential employee-teacher-race car driver-toilet paper hunter. Say goodbye to common core mother fuckers. The speed limit didn’t seem to matter anymore to anyone, so to not get run off the road you learned to drive faster (unless you already did..hehe), and well I don’t think I need to explain why I had to hunt for toilet paper…but if someone posted a store had it and I was still in my pjs, watch out world…

Life slowed down. It changed. There were parts I hated. But I had to remind myself of my sunshine and sparkles. Through the darkness that linger above us I looked for the light. My kids and I made a point to get outdoors more. We found new places to hike and fish. I even got my fishing license…I don’t even like to fish. We went on adventures, grew closer, laughed, made memories, exercised, and just lived a life we wouldn’t normally live if life hadn’t slowed down.

I love pictures. I have so many from this year. Pictures that are serious, goofy, full of life, love, and memories. Reflecting back on this year I see so many different things that so many families, individuals, and friends have gone through and are still going through. Lessons have been learned. I have learned more about myself, children, family, and friends this year than I ever have in past years. There have been all kinds of emotion expressed throughout 2020. I am lucky to have captured the memories I have this year.

As 2020 comes to an end I reflect back on people I have walked away from, people I have grown closer too, people that have entered my life, and people that have become strangers. Some could say 2020 has been a shitty year. Sure, we shut down and life has changed. I certainly will admit I hate the shut down and the masks. But when I think of the good that has come out of this year I smile. Why? Because right now as I write this, I can say I am happy with how my life is. Is there some darkness? Sure. But I have decided to look at the light, the light that makes me feel whole, warm, bright, and smile.

I have prepared for what ever crazy 2021 brings us. I have made sure I have enough paper goods that I can build a padded room with all of it, if I need too…bahaha…But remember I have watched The Walking Dead…I am prepared…wink wink…

stupid sock

My stupid sock kept sliding down my foot into my shoe. I didn’t know how many more times I could fix it before I just took my socks off and said fuck it. Between my socks and underwear, I knew I should have changed both before leaving the house. FML. If this was an indication of how my day was going to go, I was fucked.

Guess what?? I was fucked. My day just got worse. I drove through Dutch Bros and picked up coffee for everyone. The drinks were in a drink carrier. I placed the drinks on my passenger seat like I always did. Then this asshole decided to cut me off. I could have hit him, but let’s get real, I love my car, soooo I slammed on my brakes, honked my horn and called him every dirty cuss word possible like he could hear me….but now I had a coffee lake all over the passenger side of my car. Yay!!!

I pulled over to attempt to clean up this wonderful mess. Pretty sure fire was coming out of my ears by now. I moved the drinks to the floor of my car and continued on my happy journey. “you mother fucking fucktard”, yelling at the top of my lungs as I slam on my brakes again, because some fucktard towing a pickup with his pickup pulls out into traffic…. splash…you’ve got to be kidding me…

This day needed to get better. I didn’t want to bring my black cloud to work with me. Not today. My sock is wrapped around my toes, my underwear is I don’t even know at this point, and I have a coffee swamp in my front seat, but at least my hair looks cute…major eye roll…

I am so glad I can laugh at shit like this, because if I took this kind of stuff serious and to heart, I would always be in tears. I literally need to be wrapped in bubble wrap.

Laughing hysterically at everything that took place in the last half hour I opened the sunroof, turned up the music, and reset myself. I am already a black cloud, that is something I cannot help, but I can make sure I am living in the moment and enjoying it the best way I know how, and that’s exactly what I did.

My socks and underwear drove me insane during my whole shift and I immediately threw them away when I got home. Work was insane, which I expect, especially with my adventure on the way to work. But I was full of energy and had a wonderful time.

If we let the little things bother us, get us down, and control our day we are not the one’s in charge of our lives. Life is too short to be bothered by silly things. I am happy I am able to laugh at life, turn my day around, and live each day to its fullest.

she is peachy

She was always normally happy, full of life, or cheerful, but sometimes she had those days or moments when she was upset, sad, angry, and during these times it did not mean she was not happy or her sparkly self, it just meant she was having a bad day or did not feel like herself. She is after all human.  

The cut was deeper than expected. Tears began to fall. They filled the wound with a slight sting, which was a reminder of the pain she knew would eventually happen.  It was worse than she expected and at that moment she realized she was not as dark and dead inside as she had thought.

Tears continued to fall and dampen her cheeks. She laid there looking at the messages being passed back and forth, not exactly sure how to feel. Upset, torn, hurt, within herself at that moment. This was a conversation she did not want to have through text. It was something she wanted in person. But she was cursed. Everyone could feel her every emotion whether through text, posts, in person, or over the phone. Her emotions, feelings, thoughts are worn like a jacket.

This lost soul felt like this year had been a challenge on so many different levels. January started out great, but it dragged. There was concern that the year was going to take forever, but excitement still filled the air. Then it all just fell apart. She held her head high and remained positive, found the light in everything like she always did. This year did drag, it did take forever, hell it’s still going, but there were many things she learned about herself. Things she even learned about family and friends. New friends were made, who became family. Even with how difficult this year has been she is thankful for it, because without it she would not have grown in the way she did this year. Yes, there still would have been growth within her, but it would have been different. She felt this growth that has taken place within her this year has made her stronger, more vocal, not as afraid to be herself.

Thankful for the friendships created this year, the bonds that have turned friends into family, the true colors that have been brought out in people. The lessons that have been taught. The growth that has happened. The beauty in this dark year. People started to be nice again for a moment, they said hi to strangers, waved, new traditions were created, before it went dark again.

She sat there reflecting on everything. Feeling lost. What just happened? There had been such light and happiness, then darkness loomed above her world. She still shined her light through, but you could feel her sadness, the tenderness of pain radiated off of her, her walls went back up as she closed the door and locked away her feelings, because how else to does one swallow something they cannot understand?

She knew she was difficult to love. She knew she was a handful. She knew what her friendship brought to the table, but she also knew she could not keep feeling the way she felt every time she let someone close to her. She has been let down by so many this year and in previous years.

Lonely. She knows she is not alone, but the feeling is overwhelming. Trust. She was told to never trust a soul. Giving the benefit of the doubt has been a weakness. One she is trying to overcome. When she needed someone there was nobody. Her tears fell in silence, tissues mopped them up, her pillow was her shoulder, and she was her own friend.

Friends, some became family, some have been let go, others taught lessons, and there are some that touched her soul. With each she allowed herself to learn, to become stronger, to grow, and to understand that everyone has a story that makes them who they are.

She battles her own battles like everyone else and is still learning that she is not always strong enough to get through them on her own. One day she will be strong enough to ask for help, a shoulder to lean on, and maybe in time she will understand she is not difficult to love or a handful, but that it is all just a part of her journey.  

Ugly

My heart probably stopped beating for second, I felt as though I was punched in the stomach, lost my breath, and I was drowning in my tears. I am my own worst enemy always. But then there are others who we think are supposed to be our best support system and often turn out to be even bigger enemies than ourselves. Words can be taken several different ways. Tone, whether the person thinks before they speak, and are the words being said because the person was actually paying attention or just speaking to act as though they were.

Ugly. Such a small word, but a powerful one. A word that can tear a person apart. This word was told to me, obviously it hurt, due to my reaction, which might have been overboard, but coming from the person it did, it truly shocked me. Maybe they did not intend it in the context I took it or maybe they did, but it still had an impact on me.

I like to read, but I am ugly. I take care of myself, but I am ugly. I am too thin, so I am ugly. I see purple, someone else might see blue, but I am ugly. I have curly hair, I am ugly. If my view point is different I am ugly. I am a picky eater, I am ugly. I am an open book, so I must be ugly. I stand up for myself, therefore I am ugly. The list could go on and on.

The way I see it is completely different. I like to read, because there are so many different things to read about. Knowledge is power. Maybe instead of ugly I am a nerd…

I take care of myself, because I decided I wanted to live a healthier life when I started to get sick and the doctors did not know what was wrong. By taking better care of myself it changed how I looked over all. Maybe instead of ugly, others are jealous.

Everyone has different viewpoints, sees things in different lights, but that does not mean we all have to be ugly to one another. We can still treat each other with respect.

Being jealous of someone or not liking the way somebody lives does not mean we should be judgmental or cruel, but yet we are. There are people who do not like others values or beliefs and take every opportunity to let them know. It is sad, but I have realized the biggest support system, are the sometimes the cruelest.

We have this idea that if we have hatred for ourselves, feel jealous of what someone might have that we do not, or disagree with another’s views on most anything that we can take out these feelings on others.

No no no…there are so many things wrong with that. But as a society we no longer care. There seems to be no consequences for wrong doing of anything kind. We just shrug our shoulders, turn our heads, and watch it continue to unfold. Now this, this makes us ugly…

shoulda been a race car driver

I like to think I should have been a race car driver. I like to put the petal to the metal and fly. Zoom…away I go. I was always told I was precious cargo.

When that adrenaline rush starts to pump through my body as I watch the odometer creep up, 80 mph, then 90, my heart beat starts to race with it, I can hear the thump thump thump in my ears, as the rush overwhelms every inch of me. The sunroof and windows are open, the music is rattling the car as the wind rips through my hair, 100 mph.

I look up to see flashing lights…FUCK.MY.LIFE. The rush is gone. Party is over. I am now reaching for my information, searching through my suitcase of a purse for my driver’s license. Tap. Tap. Tap. I roll my window half way down. “Ma’am, do you know what you did?” I am being asked this question like I am a child being punished. I smile slightly blushing, of course I know what I did. I was full blown adrenaline rush having myself a grand old time…. “yes”. I hand over my information. UGH! This is going to be one hell of a ticket…

This great build up and for nothing…story of my fucking life. Always happens…amazing build up, hitting the peak, and BOOM! Crash! Airbags deployed, bumper falls off, I go flying then I must analyze the scene, and of course there’s no fucking fluids. FML!

The officer comes back to my vehicle, taps on the window to announce his arrival, ticket in hand with all my information. I turn my face to look in his direction. My eyes are full of tears, some sliding down my face at this point, and giant snot bubbles lingering above my upper lip. He looks at me and says “fuck”, hands me everything as he runs back to his vehicle while saying “have a nice day”, yeah, you too…

I may not be a race car driver, I may not have fluids leaking from any of the right spots…damn I need a sex life…hahaha!!!

 

Sunshine and Sparkles!!

Simply Me

****WARNING****RELEASING INFORMATION THAT MAY UPSET****

 

 

As I sit here and reflect on my 35 years it makes me want to cry for the things I have gone through but smile ecstatically for the things I have overcome. Showing true strength becoming the mother I am, the woman I am has made me so happy. Here I sit 35 years old going through everything I have gone through; things people could not even imagine. The darkest of days, darkest of things and I can honestly say I am proud of who I am right now, and I hope I can continue to grow and show my children that you can overcome anything if you can find light in the darkest moment. I can say I love myself. It has been a challenge, but I do love who I am and who I continue to grow to be.

When I was 16 I liked to party, a lot. I mean seriously what teenager does not want to go out and party or break the rules their parents set? I unfortunately remember everything that happens when I am drunk. I decided it would be a good idea to drink shots, lots of them, of Southern Comfort. If I remember correctly someone had placed sleeping pills in the bottle. There was this boy who took advantage of me. “NO” meant nothing. I remember later that evening I had to be carried out to the car, because I was so out of it. At this point in my life I spiraled out of control. Alcohol took my dark thoughts away. I drank and drank. Which made darker thoughts enter. I felt so alone. I was ashamed. I did not want to tell my parents. I thought it was my fault even though I said “no”. I would have never thought a friend would have done something like that. Obviously as I grew older I realized he was not a friend, just an asshole. My whole world changed. I hated life for a long time.

You would have thought I learned my lesson, but alcohol was my friend. I got two minor in consumption tickets three months apart. I was grounded for most my senior year of high school. So. Much. Fun. Not!!! I could not wait to get out of Nevada. Then I decided to stay…all because I met a boy. HAHA!! But I did eventually realize I needed to join the Army like I had planned. We joined together, this boy and I. We left at separate times. Alcohol still my friend. Want to challenge me to drink? I accepted all the time. Stupid me.

Because of things that happened early in this path of mine it only made my world darker. I did not know how to survive. Then I found out I was pregnant with my son. My whole world changed. I would like to say I was able to stay out of the darkness, but I was not strong enough. After I moved back to the states I fell back into drinking to “solve” my problems. When I got pregnant with my first daughter I finally woke up. She was my saving grace. I realized I needed to make some serious changes in my life.

Alcohol was no longer my problem solver. Counseling was. I had an amazing counselor who helped me become stronger to face the things I needed to face and make the changes I needed to make. Alcohol was now just a social thing. I was finding myself again. Growing as a mother and woman.

Years passed, and I found a new guy. He was there for me through my brother being deployed and my grandfather’s death. He helped me going through all the dark moments I was experiencing. He mellowed me out. Became my best friend.

Fast forward to today. I have been through many different things that make me who I am. I only touched on a few things with this post. I have lived a dark life, but I decided to look for the little amount of light that was shining through. When I found the light, I looked at life much differently. Yes, it was awful the things I have gone through, but I went through them for a reason. Without my experiences I would not be the woman I am today. I am strong for the things I have seen, survived, and overcome. It may not make sense to some, but I am glad I have experienced what I have. I have life experience that helps me help others.

I love myself. I love my life. I love where I am in my life. I am truly happy. I found happiness within myself which has allowed me to shine bright. I can feel myself glowing from the inside out. Life is amazing. Life is beautiful. I am blessed that I get to share this beautiful life with my three amazing children, my family, and my friends.

 

 

 

Accepting myself

Life does not always go the way you planned. I know that mine has not. But I am finally accepting that the chapters in my life will always be a roller coaster of unknown twists, turns, and bumps. Over the last several months I have learned more than I thought I would. I know that people never change, but what I did not realize was that I would allow some people to show me again why I decided to go the path I did. Then I trusted people, I let my walls down again, and for what? To get smashed like a bug? I am over letting people treat me the way they do. I know what I deserve and my worth. I know what I have to offer. I need to stop blaming myself for the way others treat me. It is not my fault they feel so low of themselves or life that they must treat others with no respect or like their emotions and feelings do not matter.

I built a fortress to protect myself a few years ago. Over the last five months or so I decided I could slowly let the walls down, but now I can not help but wonder if that was a huge mistake. I already have major trust issues with so many people in my life, but I thought, “you know Heather maybe it is time to allow yourself to let people back in”, boy what a lesson I learned.

Quality is far better than quantity. I thought I could give another chance to some then I realized I should not have done so, because they will always be that same type of person they we were when they hurt me the first time. Then I decided why not make new friends and start to break the walls down further…yeah I did this, and I was very successful. But, guess what…people just ended up letting me down and hurting me. The best part is I thought it was my fault again…

I have been stressed to the max lately…I just purchased my first home and that was a process which only added the fuel to my fireball of stress. Then I added more to it by over thinking bullshit. Again, I know what I have to offer, I know my worth, and I know how I deserve to be treated. Thankfully when I started to slip into the dark hole of pointing the finger at myself my amazing super close friends pulled me out and held me up reminding me I deserve so much better than what I was being offered.

I am a beautiful strong woman. I deserve friends who are going to be upfront, honest, and caring. Not friends who are going to talk about me behind my back, (but pretend to care about me to my face), or friends who decide to completely ghost me for unknown reasons.

I can honestly say I can count the number of true friends I have, not counting my siblings, on one hand. When I came to this realization I went through my friends list on Facebook and unfriended 20 “friends” immediately no hesitation. It felt wonderful. I had 289 friends on there and all I could think when I went through the list was, “if I needed something would this person care or if something happened to me would they miss me” if the answer was no bye bye they went.

I am at that age in my life where I am over the selfish bullshit attitudes, the bitchiness for no fucking reason, and the high school drama. I do not have time for it and even if I did I would not want it in my life. I am so sorry to those that feel their lives suck…guess what, someone somewhere in the world probably has it worse. At least we wake up every day, get to see the sunrise or sunset, drink fresh water, have access to health care, and have a home to live in. Put a smile on your face, leave the attitude away from everyone, and enjoy life.

I could not image walking through life, every day, with attitude and anger. It has got to be exhausting. I do not know who would want to live like that, but I do know several people that put the negative attitude hat on every day even though they actually have a pretty good life. Suck it up, build the bridge, and get the fuck over yourself. Nobody wants to deal with the negative bullshit selfish attitude some carry around with them. All it does is change the atmosphere and I am over it. If you cannot build the bridge to get over your bullshit excuses of why your life sucks, wad them up and shove them up your ass.

Cleansing my life and remembering what I am worth, making sure I apply that to every day has changed my life. Now I need to work on not letting attitudes and bullshit affect me, so I can continue to send sunshine and sparkles out and radiate my true self without fear of what others think or what they might say behind my back. I am accepting myself, my life, and remembering life is amazing.

Darkness

****I wrote this poem February 6th, 2006. It is very dark. I wish I could remember exactly what I was going through at the time****

 

I sit with nothing but hatred running through my veins

I’m angered beyond anything I’ve ever felt

I’m a stone with no way to express oneself

I sit here cold with waves of emotion crashing through me like a rip tide.

There is no one I have but myself.

With icy blood flowing I have no warmth for even lust.

Hatred fills my body

Tears splash to my cheeks

Popping pills may take my pain

But won’t heal me.

Waves slam me every which way

I am no longer in control

Warmth touches my skin in a red smooth covering

The blade is cold as it slits through layers of icy skin.

I sit here wondering what has happened

Such beauty gone

With the hatred others have made one feel.