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twirl in my chair

Lack of sleep makes me worse than I am when I am a hangry bitch. I am awful to be around. I am moody, emotional, cry for no reason, overthink (and think the worse shit), fuck it’s like I am a 15-year-old teenage girl about to start my period in need of some damn chocolate. Thankfully I have some amazing ass people in my life who set me straight, let me know when I am overreacting, and when I should just smack myself for being stupid. Lol. It’s good to have people like that. I can literally say anything and there’s no judgement. I mean I am going to say whatever I want to everyone, because it’s who I am and let’s face it, I really don’t give a shit who likes me or who hates me. I am who I am and will not change for anyone. Love me for me or move the fuck over and out of my life.

Okay, so back to this lack of sleep nonsense bullshit that makes me a cranky fucker. I switched jobs months ago and I have had to learn how to slow down. This has been a struggle in itself. As a 911 dispatcher I pretty much had ADHD and now as an admin assistant I twirl in my chair 80% of the day…lol. Especially now that we have started to fill the empty positions. I AM GOING INSANE!!! Sooo. Fucking. Bored. And to help with my ADHD issue I listen to true crime podcasts or music while answering the phone and handling my little bits of work…..

SOOOO….the other day as I am fucking twirling in my chair choking myself to death with my headphone cord I was asked if I was bored most of the day…(mind you I couldn’t touch any of the things that needed to be completed because I printed them and per policy another co-worker has to finish them)….my eyes about pop out of my fucking head and I so ever sarcastically answered with, “yes, because I have had nothing to do all day” AND since I can’t drown myself in tequila at work I put my fucking face condom on and walking my happy little ass over to the dark side and stuffed my face with left over Halloween candy while I joined in the fun conversations on the dark side of the building.

For Christmas I might need a padded room, straight jacket, and a pillow to yell into. But since I can’t sleep maybe I need a new pillow to help me sleep better…or idk my mind to be busy busy, but not 15-year-old PMS teenage emotional busy. I need adult busy, work busy. UGH…life could be worse, right? Right. I made my choice to leave a job I loved for a family I loved more, because I decided to make a life, not a living. I have definitely had my moments of “what did I do?”, but the memories I have created with my family since making this decision…priceless.

Yes, I may lack sleep, be a cranky overthinking fucking bitch, but in my heart, I know I made the right decision. Even if I have my moments of needing a padded room, stuffing my face with candy, and questioning my decision. But I sit here writing this knowing it’s all worth it, especially when I see the smiles on the faces of those I love when we are making memories, sharing stories from our days, hearing the laughs, and just sitting together in the living room.

I am making a life. Day by day. Memory by memory. Twirl by twirl. Sunshine and mother fucking sparkles.

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Opening my window

I have been reflecting a lot lately. About many different things in my life. I have to constantly remind myself that things happen for a reason, most the time we have not a clue what those reasons are, but we keep moving forward whether it is with our heads held high or with them lowered to hide our eyes that show everything. I don’t know about you, but my eyes are like windows to my soul, my thoughts, my everything. My eyes literally are not my best friends. I can’t hide jack shit behind them. Even if I tried to hide my emotions across my face, my eyes be telling the truth….fuckers. They might be beautiful, but they don’t let me get away with shit!!

Maybe it is a good thing that I can’t hide my emotions, but there are times when I would really like too. I have noticed a difference in the way I am feeling though now that I don’t hold everything in until I explode like a shaken soda bottle. That is one thing I am thankful for. I used to hold everything in until I was boiling under the surface and then BOOM!!!! ugh it was ugly. Ugly tears, ugly emotion, ugly everything. But that is what happens when you have to hold it in, because you aren’t allowed to express yourself.

And now, well now I am able to express myself, all of myself. Sometimes I think that is a bad thing, until I share my spinning thoughts, and I am reminded it isn’t a bad thing to share how I am feeling. It is an amazing thing, for not only me, but for all those around me, for those that love me. I am still learning how to open up immediately instead of holding on for hours, a day, or longer, but I am getting much better. AND telling someone that loves me to push me, but to be gentle, makes all the difference.

So, there I go again getting off track, but whatever. By now you are all used too it. And if you aren’t you should be…lol… Ok so I have been reflecting right? On myself first and foremost, but also about my surroundings, things that actually affect me personally, and what is it exactly about that thing that makes me emotional or changes my mood in a flat second. I want to be aware of; is it me? Or is it something else? I keep saying I am broken, because I feel broken, like something is wrong with me, but reality, I am not broken, I have lived to make others happy so that I do not disrupt my environment for such a long time that it is all I know. And several years ago, I promised myself and my loved ones I would live each day as if tomorrow wasn’t promised. BUT then roughly a year ago I slipped back into old habits, because again, survival; don’t disrupt the environment.

Guess fucking what??? As I was reflecting the other day, I realized I am loved for who I am!!! Which yes, I have known, but when you have been broken down time and time again you often forget this. I was reminded of this during a conversation, an act, and being in his arms. I am not only loved by him, my children, but by so many, and they all love me for me, for my sunshine and sparkles, for my sailor mouth, for my humor, for being there for them, showing I care, I could go on and on.

I keep my circle small for a reason. I know who my true friends are. I know because they are the ones who love me, who don’t just say they do, and then use me. My circle is small because they have shown me in many ways I can trust them and no matter what they will always be there for me and I for them. I don’t need 400 plus friends on Facebook, because I guarantee you when I had that many the majority of them weren’t really my friends, they were just spy’s or wanted to feel important by having their friend number high. My list gets smaller, someone might get added, but I know that those on my list I can trust. When you are older you start to understand and begin to realize what is the most important. Some people mature and make mature decisions in life and others do not grow and instead make immature decisions and lose everything they wish they still had.

Life is full of choices. Choices we all make for ourselves. Choices we try to blame on others when things don’t go our way, but let’s face reality, we all know right from wrong. So, when we face a choice where we could lose it all and we choose wrong…you honestly have nobody to blame but your fucking self…grow up, own your choices, and face yourself in the mirror every day after, because you are the one the has to live with the consequences.

So, reflecting. My attitude, the way I live each day, how I respond to situations, that is all up to me, nobody else. I have noticed when my attitude gets gloomily and when I get salty. I see a pattern. Can I blame others? Maybe, but would that be fair to them? Hell fucking no. Why? Because if I haven’t been adult enough to have a conversation with them on why I got upset or salty, pissed off or walked away, that isn’t on them…it’s on me, because I did not speak up first. Sure, it would be easy to point the finger, but seriously where the fuck is that going to get me? Ummm, fucking nowhere.

When I am living life to its fullest, I also notice. When you pay attention and stop pointing the finger you really start to see the whole picture and not just the pieces that are in focus from a selfish point of view. I thought I allowed my walls to fall around me, my moat to be free of predators, but I was wrong.

My walls were down when I decided to live to the fullest years ago, then I put them back up. When I thought I let them down again I was wrong, so wrong. One of my bitches told me the other day “my walls might be down, the blinds might be open, but I haven’t opened the window yet”…well shit. More reflecting after this as you can imagine…

Reflections, choices, and life. All amazing combinations when you get the right lock and key, but until then the chain is a horrible mess of a knot, until you are ready to face the reality that you can either constantly be terrified of the negatives that might happen or live facing the sunshine glowing in the radiant positivity of what could go right.

Sunshine and mother fuckin’ sparkles…  

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FML

Laughter. It’s supposed to cure everything, but it doesn’t fix everything. Sure, it helps in the moment. It is better than letting the tears fall down my fucking cheeks…AGAIN. But here I sit. Laughed my ass off for a moment, shook my head, and walked back in the house to face the never-ending disaster.

Sweating like a fucking pig at night is wonderful. Let me tell you, NOT! But that is what happens when the air conditioner decides it wants to stop working in the middle of the summer. I just love sleeping in a pool of sweat, said no one ever! I knew I needed to change the air filter and silly me bought the wrong size. YES! Way to go…sooo shopping trip…and I have a blonde moment and can’t put the stupid thing in.

I have a lake in my kitchen. Don’t even have to drive anywhere. Let me set up my beach chair, umbrella, and lay out my towel…I just need a sun light to keep my tan going, because I don’t have skin like my siblings…

FML…things happen in three’s right…

I sound like I am a whiny little bitch right now…oh fucking well. Maybe I need to whine, maybe I need to cry, maybe I just need to yell and scream my fucking head off, because I am frustrated with a lot of different things right now…like currently my foot keeps cramping…my toes look fucked up, and I want to cry, because I am in pain, but I won’t instead I am going to write one long ass sentence whining like a baby back bitch internally laughing at myself.

I like that I am able to laugh at myself and the shit that happens in my life, because my life has been an on and off shit storm. But I am proud of myself, because I am able to handle the shit that is thrown my way. Sure, I may cry, I may get frustrated, I might need to be held tight, vent, but guess what? I am fucking human…I am not perfect and I would never want to be.

I have been through shit. Who hasn’t? but we can either let it define us or we can hold our heads high, roll with the punches, laugh, and keep on finding the light in the darkness that rolls in with the storms.

I know I have my moments when I can’t find the light in the darkness, but I have love that is my strength in my weak moments that lifts me up, gives me strength, and keeps me going.

Laughter, sunshine, and mother fucking sparkles…

BUT i am beautiful

I am beautiful.

I will never have giant tits…unless they are fake,

I might always have a mom belly,

 I have stretch marks,

 My skin is no longer “beautiful”, because of my autoimmune disease

 My curves are itty bitty.

 BUT I see myself as sexy.

I am not filtered or censored,

 What you see is what you get.

 I will never look like a model or the girls on only fans, tv, or in magazines,

BUT I am beautiful.

 You see what you get.

I am a mom.

 My stretch marks reflect nine months of three different times growing a child within me,

 I am blessed.

But I am not what men drool over on social media

 I am me.

Down to earth.

 Simple.

 Beautiful.

Real.

I am a woman who loves herself,

 I wear what I want,

 I do not care what others think,

 I will stand up for myself,

 My mouth is foul.

 I am not perfect.

 I can pay my own way.

 I love life.

 I see the light in the darkness.

 I am loved.

 I am beautiful from the inside out.

I use no filters to shine bright or show my beauty.

My skin is not perfect.

I am not a model.

BUT I am beautiful.

Strong.

I am a mother.

I shine bright and light my little world by being just me.

 I make no apologies for who I am.

 I may not have large curves or be sexy like those who are airbrushed, but I am real.

I work hard for the body I have.

I love me,

that is all that matters.

I AM BEAUTIFUL.

There are times when we judge ourselves, because of what we see on TV, social media, or in person. But this is life. This is how we have lived for a long time. First it was Barbie’s body, then it was the models we saw in the magazines. We continue to grow up and still compare ourselves, even though we know we shouldn’t and know that we are beautiful in our ways. Our parents, family, and friends can tell us time and time again that we are gorgeous and beautiful, and we can tell ourselves, but if we aren’t strong enough to believe it, we will always compare ourselves. If we are strong enough will we believe it? Maybe on certain days, but we are human and we have our faults and bad days. Those bad days no matter how much we tell ourselves we are beautiful or strong we will not feel it. It is just part of life.

I love who I am. I love my personality, my smile, my humor, just everything about me. Do I have faults? fuck yes. But we all do. I am a firm believer that your personality makes you radiate from the inside out. We can be drop dead gorgeous, but if we are ugly on the inside, we shine ugly on the outside.

Are there things I hate about myself? Of course. I hate what my autoimmune disease has done to my body. It has changed my self confidence tremendously. This is something I have realized a lot lately. I hate that about myself. My bestie told me I have the biggest balls she has ever seen…lmao. But lately I feel I have lost that about myself. I feel weak. It is difficult for me to admit that, because I have come such a long way the last several years. The way my disease has changed my body has affected me more that I realized.

There are things I am still working on. I have said them in previous posts. My walls. They are definitely getting smaller which I am so proud of, you have no idea. And my moat…well the prey has left and now you can relax on a float while working on your tan. So, I am strong in parts of my little world and weak in others. Now if I could just be strong in all of my little world, I would be unstoppable.

I am beautiful. I am fucking beautiful. I love me. I am blessed. I have been through hell and back. I am lucky to be alive right now. I almost died. I am a survivor. I may hate parts of my body, but I am beautiful. I shine bright. I see past the darkness. I do not make apologies for who I am. I might be weak in areas of my life and strong in others, but I am working on myself always for the better, because I want to continue to a beautiful mother, woman, and role model.

We may always compare ourselves to those we see on TV, in magazines, or on social media, unfortunately that’s life. It’s how we grew up. WE are all beautiful in our own unique ways. Just because we don’t see ourselves as a goddess in our own eyes doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t. Love yourself always. You are BEAUTIFUL.

Sunshine and sparkles.  

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Sleepless nights

I recently had to revisit my past. It wasn’t easy at all. Emotions were brought up that I had forgotten. Thoughts and memories that I had hidden in the back of my mind came rushing back. Sleepless nights. Tossing and turning. Fears. The sounds. Tears would slide down my cheeks as I cried myself silently to sleep. I felt broken all over again.

It took me years to rebuild myself. Fear of dark corners, hotels, pillows and blankets over my face, and people thinking I was lying about my story. There are times when the PTSD still hits out of nowhere and rocks me to the core. Even though it’s been almost 20 years. An emotional roller coaster, one that took everything I wanted, one that I allowed to control me for longer than I should have, but even if it happened now, I would probably be the same emotional mess, just older, stronger, and able to handle it a little different.

But as I was rebuilding myself from a horrible event, I never thought I would face I was facing another battle. Ugh…what in the hell…I felt as though I was living in hell. I kept asking myself what I did to deserve the things I was going through. I repeated over and over again that there is a reason for everything…this seemed to help me get through. Even if I didn’t understand it at the time.

I was a survivor. For some reason I just kept pushing through all the shit, the hell, the pain, and ended up stronger every single time. Still wasn’t sure why.

More hell. Fuck my life. But I will survive. I have time and time again. This was a different kind of hell though. I lost friends. I lost people that I thought cared about me, that I cared about. People lied to my face constantly.  

Eye openers were happening all around me, but I was not paying attention. Instead I decided to ignore all the signs that I should have paid attention too and kept telling myself things would change. Of course, they did not change, they got worse.

As things seemed to get worse, I grew stronger, which did not help. I began to become independent and realized my worth. This was great for me, but felt like a threat in my environment. I had to make decisions. Stay strong, grow stronger or go back into my shell and hide everything I felt.

At this point I had some amazing people that helped me stay strong and keep pushing myself to heal and stay positive. And this time I was ready to see to all the red flags. I could see them like neon signs. They were bright, flashing, in my face telling me to pay attention for my own benefit.

I was finally this strong, beautiful, confident woman. I felt unstoppable, but I still had moments of weakness. Who does not have those moments? We all do. We are human. Not a single one of us is perfect. I know some people hide their emotions and think that it is for the best, but I am not the person that can hide. I wear them on the outside. Everyone can see them. I used to hate that, but now I see it as a strength. I am not able to hide anymore. I am called out on my bluff when I do try. This was challenging for me and honestly still is, but it is something I am still working on.

I like that I am able to admit I am not perfect, that I have things I am still working on in life even at the age of 37. I have had to walk on eggshells, I have had to have plans I never thought I would, I have had to pretend I was okay when I was not, I have swallowed more feelings than I care to admit, I have PTSD, and I am still learning to be open and trust easily, but it is difficult to trust and be open for me. I have been open and trusted easily and it hurt me big time. I told myself I will never open up again immediately, that I will slowly open up as I learn to trust the people in my life. I closed doors, closed up, built giant walls. But I am learning how to open up again, to let my walls down. I am doing well, but still not as well as I would like.

As I reflect on my past, I realize I am the way I am for many different reasons. There are things I never thought I would face in life when I was younger, but I faced them, I survived. Because I am a survivor, I have been able to help others, inspire them with my life experiences, and show people that no matter what you go through you can get through it while shining bright.

As a teenager I saw my life going a whole different direction, but it did not. I am not living where I thought I would, I do not have the career I thought I was going to have, I do not have the life I thought I would, but right now, in this current moment I can say I am happy. That even though I would never want to go through the things I have faced again, I am happy that I have, because my experiences have made me who I am, and have allowed me to have things in my life that I did not think I would, and this makes me okay with the pain, the hurt, and the memories.  

Fear. It is one of those funny things. It can sometimes hold us back or make us do things we regret. My fear is if I let my walls down any further, I will regret it, because I am afraid of scaring people away. I have been told I will not, but my past tells me otherwise.

I need to stop being afraid of getting hurt and let those that care in. I have let my walls start to fall, as they fall, I am letting more out, but there is still hesitation, and the hesitation is a weakness I hope to overcome soon, because I have no reason to be afraid anymore. I have things I need to work on, which I am, and I am still learning, but life is a continuous lesson. I hope that as I continue to learn throughout my life that I will continue to grow as a person.

I am strong, but still weak. I still have issues. Remember nobody is perfect. We all have things we stare at, but refuse to face. We all have fears that scare us beyond belief, but we hope to get past them one day. We all worry about small things we have no control over. We have all survived some kind of event in our lives that changed us in ways we never thought possible.

 It is up to us on whether or not to let these things control us and our life, or whether we take our life into our hands and take control of it. I decided to take control.

I survived the things I have for a reason. I still do not understand the reason for all that I have gone through, but I am finally okay with that. I have realized that the things I do understand I survived them, because I needed to go through them to help others.

Life is what we make it. We have the power. No matter what I go through I continue to stay strong and shine bright. I hope that I can pass that onto my children. I hope that they see me as a role model, someone they can look up too, and know that even when things get tough there is always a reason, one they may not have the answer to immediately, but that they will be okay and that they always have me to help them get through it and to help them stay positive.  

Revisiting the past was difficult. I lost nights of sleep, felt weak, but being able to reflect and share has helped me see just how far I have come in life. The tears slid down my cheeks, covered my pillow, as I shook with more emotion than I could handle I was held tight. In this moment I knew I didn’t have to be strong alone. I have an amazing support system. When we go through tough times, feel weak, sometimes we need extra strength. We need to be able to lean on those who care about us most. Never be afraid to lean.

Sunshine and Sparkles.

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reflection

When 2020 started I thought it was going to be the longest year ever. January was just tip toeing along like “haha lets drag this out fuckers”. I’m sure it was, because everyone thought 2019 was a crap year. Which I have no clue why. 2019 was a great year for me…but anyways…here we were creeping along and then BOOM! February finally decided to make an appearance. Alright, yes 2020 is finally starting…juuuust kidding….lets go crazy buying all the toilet paper for a respiratory virus…major eye, but I did buy some, just in case I ran out since all these people were freak out shopping like the world was coming to an end. I’ve watched enough Walking Dead, I should be prepared enough, right? Bahahaha…

Everything shut down. Nothing felt normal anymore. I wasn’t even sure what normal was. All of a sudden, I wasn’t just a mom and an essential employee. Overnight I became mom-essential employee-teacher-race car driver-toilet paper hunter. Say goodbye to common core mother fuckers. The speed limit didn’t seem to matter anymore to anyone, so to not get run off the road you learned to drive faster (unless you already did..hehe), and well I don’t think I need to explain why I had to hunt for toilet paper…but if someone posted a store had it and I was still in my pjs, watch out world…

Life slowed down. It changed. There were parts I hated. But I had to remind myself of my sunshine and sparkles. Through the darkness that linger above us I looked for the light. My kids and I made a point to get outdoors more. We found new places to hike and fish. I even got my fishing license…I don’t even like to fish. We went on adventures, grew closer, laughed, made memories, exercised, and just lived a life we wouldn’t normally live if life hadn’t slowed down.

I love pictures. I have so many from this year. Pictures that are serious, goofy, full of life, love, and memories. Reflecting back on this year I see so many different things that so many families, individuals, and friends have gone through and are still going through. Lessons have been learned. I have learned more about myself, children, family, and friends this year than I ever have in past years. There have been all kinds of emotion expressed throughout 2020. I am lucky to have captured the memories I have this year.

As 2020 comes to an end I reflect back on people I have walked away from, people I have grown closer too, people that have entered my life, and people that have become strangers. Some could say 2020 has been a shitty year. Sure, we shut down and life has changed. I certainly will admit I hate the shut down and the masks. But when I think of the good that has come out of this year I smile. Why? Because right now as I write this, I can say I am happy with how my life is. Is there some darkness? Sure. But I have decided to look at the light, the light that makes me feel whole, warm, bright, and smile.

I have prepared for what ever crazy 2021 brings us. I have made sure I have enough paper goods that I can build a padded room with all of it, if I need too…bahaha…But remember I have watched The Walking Dead…I am prepared…wink wink…

stupid sock

My stupid sock kept sliding down my foot into my shoe. I didn’t know how many more times I could fix it before I just took my socks off and said fuck it. Between my socks and underwear, I knew I should have changed both before leaving the house. FML. If this was an indication of how my day was going to go, I was fucked.

Guess what?? I was fucked. My day just got worse. I drove through Dutch Bros and picked up coffee for everyone. The drinks were in a drink carrier. I placed the drinks on my passenger seat like I always did. Then this asshole decided to cut me off. I could have hit him, but let’s get real, I love my car, soooo I slammed on my brakes, honked my horn and called him every dirty cuss word possible like he could hear me….but now I had a coffee lake all over the passenger side of my car. Yay!!!

I pulled over to attempt to clean up this wonderful mess. Pretty sure fire was coming out of my ears by now. I moved the drinks to the floor of my car and continued on my happy journey. “you mother fucking fucktard”, yelling at the top of my lungs as I slam on my brakes again, because some fucktard towing a pickup with his pickup pulls out into traffic…. splash…you’ve got to be kidding me…

This day needed to get better. I didn’t want to bring my black cloud to work with me. Not today. My sock is wrapped around my toes, my underwear is I don’t even know at this point, and I have a coffee swamp in my front seat, but at least my hair looks cute…major eye roll…

I am so glad I can laugh at shit like this, because if I took this kind of stuff serious and to heart, I would always be in tears. I literally need to be wrapped in bubble wrap.

Laughing hysterically at everything that took place in the last half hour I opened the sunroof, turned up the music, and reset myself. I am already a black cloud, that is something I cannot help, but I can make sure I am living in the moment and enjoying it the best way I know how, and that’s exactly what I did.

My socks and underwear drove me insane during my whole shift and I immediately threw them away when I got home. Work was insane, which I expect, especially with my adventure on the way to work. But I was full of energy and had a wonderful time.

If we let the little things bother us, get us down, and control our day we are not the one’s in charge of our lives. Life is too short to be bothered by silly things. I am happy I am able to laugh at life, turn my day around, and live each day to its fullest.

she is peachy

She was always normally happy, full of life, or cheerful, but sometimes she had those days or moments when she was upset, sad, angry, and during these times it did not mean she was not happy or her sparkly self, it just meant she was having a bad day or did not feel like herself. She is after all human.  

The cut was deeper than expected. Tears began to fall. They filled the wound with a slight sting, which was a reminder of the pain she knew would eventually happen.  It was worse than she expected and at that moment she realized she was not as dark and dead inside as she had thought.

Tears continued to fall and dampen her cheeks. She laid there looking at the messages being passed back and forth, not exactly sure how to feel. Upset, torn, hurt, within herself at that moment. This was a conversation she did not want to have through text. It was something she wanted in person. But she was cursed. Everyone could feel her every emotion whether through text, posts, in person, or over the phone. Her emotions, feelings, thoughts are worn like a jacket.

This lost soul felt like this year had been a challenge on so many different levels. January started out great, but it dragged. There was concern that the year was going to take forever, but excitement still filled the air. Then it all just fell apart. She held her head high and remained positive, found the light in everything like she always did. This year did drag, it did take forever, hell it’s still going, but there were many things she learned about herself. Things she even learned about family and friends. New friends were made, who became family. Even with how difficult this year has been she is thankful for it, because without it she would not have grown in the way she did this year. Yes, there still would have been growth within her, but it would have been different. She felt this growth that has taken place within her this year has made her stronger, more vocal, not as afraid to be herself.

Thankful for the friendships created this year, the bonds that have turned friends into family, the true colors that have been brought out in people. The lessons that have been taught. The growth that has happened. The beauty in this dark year. People started to be nice again for a moment, they said hi to strangers, waved, new traditions were created, before it went dark again.

She sat there reflecting on everything. Feeling lost. What just happened? There had been such light and happiness, then darkness loomed above her world. She still shined her light through, but you could feel her sadness, the tenderness of pain radiated off of her, her walls went back up as she closed the door and locked away her feelings, because how else to does one swallow something they cannot understand?

She knew she was difficult to love. She knew she was a handful. She knew what her friendship brought to the table, but she also knew she could not keep feeling the way she felt every time she let someone close to her. She has been let down by so many this year and in previous years.

Lonely. She knows she is not alone, but the feeling is overwhelming. Trust. She was told to never trust a soul. Giving the benefit of the doubt has been a weakness. One she is trying to overcome. When she needed someone there was nobody. Her tears fell in silence, tissues mopped them up, her pillow was her shoulder, and she was her own friend.

Friends, some became family, some have been let go, others taught lessons, and there are some that touched her soul. With each she allowed herself to learn, to become stronger, to grow, and to understand that everyone has a story that makes them who they are.

She battles her own battles like everyone else and is still learning that she is not always strong enough to get through them on her own. One day she will be strong enough to ask for help, a shoulder to lean on, and maybe in time she will understand she is not difficult to love or a handful, but that it is all just a part of her journey.  

Ugly

My heart probably stopped beating for second, I felt as though I was punched in the stomach, lost my breath, and I was drowning in my tears. I am my own worst enemy always. But then there are others who we think are supposed to be our best support system and often turn out to be even bigger enemies than ourselves. Words can be taken several different ways. Tone, whether the person thinks before they speak, and are the words being said because the person was actually paying attention or just speaking to act as though they were.

Ugly. Such a small word, but a powerful one. A word that can tear a person apart. This word was told to me, obviously it hurt, due to my reaction, which might have been overboard, but coming from the person it did, it truly shocked me. Maybe they did not intend it in the context I took it or maybe they did, but it still had an impact on me.

I like to read, but I am ugly. I take care of myself, but I am ugly. I am too thin, so I am ugly. I see purple, someone else might see blue, but I am ugly. I have curly hair, I am ugly. If my view point is different I am ugly. I am a picky eater, I am ugly. I am an open book, so I must be ugly. I stand up for myself, therefore I am ugly. The list could go on and on.

The way I see it is completely different. I like to read, because there are so many different things to read about. Knowledge is power. Maybe instead of ugly I am a nerd…

I take care of myself, because I decided I wanted to live a healthier life when I started to get sick and the doctors did not know what was wrong. By taking better care of myself it changed how I looked over all. Maybe instead of ugly, others are jealous.

Everyone has different viewpoints, sees things in different lights, but that does not mean we all have to be ugly to one another. We can still treat each other with respect.

Being jealous of someone or not liking the way somebody lives does not mean we should be judgmental or cruel, but yet we are. There are people who do not like others values or beliefs and take every opportunity to let them know. It is sad, but I have realized the biggest support system, are the sometimes the cruelest.

We have this idea that if we have hatred for ourselves, feel jealous of what someone might have that we do not, or disagree with another’s views on most anything that we can take out these feelings on others.

No no no…there are so many things wrong with that. But as a society we no longer care. There seems to be no consequences for wrong doing of anything kind. We just shrug our shoulders, turn our heads, and watch it continue to unfold. Now this, this makes us ugly…

shoulda been a race car driver

I like to think I should have been a race car driver. I like to put the petal to the metal and fly. Zoom…away I go. I was always told I was precious cargo.

When that adrenaline rush starts to pump through my body as I watch the odometer creep up, 80 mph, then 90, my heart beat starts to race with it, I can hear the thump thump thump in my ears, as the rush overwhelms every inch of me. The sunroof and windows are open, the music is rattling the car as the wind rips through my hair, 100 mph.

I look up to see flashing lights…FUCK.MY.LIFE. The rush is gone. Party is over. I am now reaching for my information, searching through my suitcase of a purse for my driver’s license. Tap. Tap. Tap. I roll my window half way down. “Ma’am, do you know what you did?” I am being asked this question like I am a child being punished. I smile slightly blushing, of course I know what I did. I was full blown adrenaline rush having myself a grand old time…. “yes”. I hand over my information. UGH! This is going to be one hell of a ticket…

This great build up and for nothing…story of my fucking life. Always happens…amazing build up, hitting the peak, and BOOM! Crash! Airbags deployed, bumper falls off, I go flying then I must analyze the scene, and of course there’s no fucking fluids. FML!

The officer comes back to my vehicle, taps on the window to announce his arrival, ticket in hand with all my information. I turn my face to look in his direction. My eyes are full of tears, some sliding down my face at this point, and giant snot bubbles lingering above my upper lip. He looks at me and says “fuck”, hands me everything as he runs back to his vehicle while saying “have a nice day”, yeah, you too…

I may not be a race car driver, I may not have fluids leaking from any of the right spots…damn I need a sex life…hahaha!!!

 

Sunshine and Sparkles!!