she is peachy

She was always normally happy, full of life, or cheerful, but sometimes she had those days or moments when she was upset, sad, angry, and during these times it did not mean she was not happy or her sparkly self, it just meant she was having a bad day or did not feel like herself. She is after all human.  

The cut was deeper than expected. Tears began to fall. They filled the wound with a slight sting, which was a reminder of the pain she knew would eventually happen.  It was worse than she expected and at that moment she realized she was not as dark and dead inside as she had thought.

Tears continued to fall and dampen her cheeks. She laid there looking at the messages being passed back and forth, not exactly sure how to feel. Upset, torn, hurt, within herself at that moment. This was a conversation she did not want to have through text. It was something she wanted in person. But she was cursed. Everyone could feel her every emotion whether through text, posts, in person, or over the phone. Her emotions, feelings, thoughts are worn like a jacket.

This lost soul felt like this year had been a challenge on so many different levels. January started out great, but it dragged. There was concern that the year was going to take forever, but excitement still filled the air. Then it all just fell apart. She held her head high and remained positive, found the light in everything like she always did. This year did drag, it did take forever, hell it’s still going, but there were many things she learned about herself. Things she even learned about family and friends. New friends were made, who became family. Even with how difficult this year has been she is thankful for it, because without it she would not have grown in the way she did this year. Yes, there still would have been growth within her, but it would have been different. She felt this growth that has taken place within her this year has made her stronger, more vocal, not as afraid to be herself.

Thankful for the friendships created this year, the bonds that have turned friends into family, the true colors that have been brought out in people. The lessons that have been taught. The growth that has happened. The beauty in this dark year. People started to be nice again for a moment, they said hi to strangers, waved, new traditions were created, before it went dark again.

She sat there reflecting on everything. Feeling lost. What just happened? There had been such light and happiness, then darkness loomed above her world. She still shined her light through, but you could feel her sadness, the tenderness of pain radiated off of her, her walls went back up as she closed the door and locked away her feelings, because how else to does one swallow something they cannot understand?

She knew she was difficult to love. She knew she was a handful. She knew what her friendship brought to the table, but she also knew she could not keep feeling the way she felt every time she let someone close to her. She has been let down by so many this year and in previous years.

Lonely. She knows she is not alone, but the feeling is overwhelming. Trust. She was told to never trust a soul. Giving the benefit of the doubt has been a weakness. One she is trying to overcome. When she needed someone there was nobody. Her tears fell in silence, tissues mopped them up, her pillow was her shoulder, and she was her own friend.

Friends, some became family, some have been let go, others taught lessons, and there are some that touched her soul. With each she allowed herself to learn, to become stronger, to grow, and to understand that everyone has a story that makes them who they are.

She battles her own battles like everyone else and is still learning that she is not always strong enough to get through them on her own. One day she will be strong enough to ask for help, a shoulder to lean on, and maybe in time she will understand she is not difficult to love or a handful, but that it is all just a part of her journey.  

once upon a time…i was broken

It was our last night of freedom as we all called it. The last night of our childhood. This was it, this was the night before our whole world changed. Little did I know my world would never be the same after this.

I was 19. I knew what my future was going to look like. I had it all planned out. I was leaving home, joining the military, I was going to make a career, a life for myself. So, I thought. But this chapter of my life did not go as I had planned. The world had a different plan for me. A plan I struggled to understand for a long time.

My last night of “freedom” had never tasted so good. The jack and coke mix had me buzzing. I felt relaxed. This was a nice feeling, especially since my nerves were overloaded with all different emotions; excitement, scared, nervous, etc.

I remember a large group of us hanging out, being silly, laughter filling the air as we chitchatted amongst one another asking where we headed, what we were planning to do with our future careers in the military, but then the air changed. Soon the crowd was much smaller, and I was no longer outside…

It was dark. I could see some light shining in by the window. This light gave me enough to see that I was in a room, but not my room. I felt weak. I could not breathe. I saw someone in the next bed over as I felt my legs being spread apart. I looked up. There was a hooded figure above me. I tried to scream, but a pillow was placed on my head. The fear I felt in that moment melted the pain of him shoving himself into me away. When the pillow was lifted away, I could see again, but still could not see who this evil was. I glanced over to the bed next to where I was and made eye contact with whomever that heartless person was as more pain tore into me. Tears dampened my cheeks.

When there was more light filling the room a weight was lifted off me. The evil had gone, I did not care to look where, I just took my chance and left. I never looked behind me to see if I was being watched or followed. When I got to my room I immediately showered, and I just sat there and cried.

I continued on. I thought if I could just forget what happened I could survive. Live my life like it never happened. Besides who would believe me? But I was not strong enough. I was terrified. This chapter of my life was taken from me by this evil.

I was angry for a long time. How, why could God let anyone go through this? That was my thought. What did I do to deserve this? But when I grew stronger, I realized why. It was not because I deserved it, or because I was hated. It was because I was strong. I was strong enough to survive and because I survived, I am able to tell my story, to help others, and to live on.

I did not understand at the time why. I still do not sometimes understand the evil in this world, but I do know that I am strong. I know that I am a survivor, because I have survived a darkness. I have seen evil first hand, but I still find the strength to shine bright, to live on, and to love my journey. Even though some chapters have been scary, they help define who I am.

Nah, I don’t think so

*****warning warning*****this contains cussing*****last chance to stop reading*****you have been warned*****

 

 

I was in a super dark place. It was overwhelming me, choking me, and swallowing me whole. I said fuck that shit. I knew that I could get through it, because I have an amazing support system. Everybody needs to kiss my ass that does not support me, that wants me to be under their control, or that wants to see me fail, because I say fuck you…

That is right you read that correctly. If you cannot be supporting and only want information from me because you are a dirty cum sucking whore, then fuck you…

If you contact me only to use me for whatever game you want to play in your boring life, then fuck you…

If you pretend to like me to my face, but then decide to stab me in the back, then fuck you…

If you only follow me on my social media pages to live your life through mine, then fuck you…

But if you truly care for me, love who I am deep down inside, and have my back through it all then you should already know I love you and care about you too. I will be there for you as well and will continue to share my sunshine and sparkles with you. I will shine bright.

So, you might be sitting there going what in the actual fuck is going on.

It has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster the last few weeks and with the lack of sleep it had put me in a mood…but I survived. I powered on and got through it. It helps if you finally get a good amount of sleep. Who knew? Lol…

I do not suggest operating on three hours of sleep. It does nobody any good. I could literally see it on my face, I mean I still can, but it was way worse. I was not shining bright, I looked like death, and just blah. I was wearing my emotions across my face. My eyes were puffy from the loads of waterfalls that came from my eyes.

You might be wondering why I am sitting here admitting that I was in that place. But I told you this is a place where I will be honest and raw. Why hide? Because someone might judge me? Oh, fucking well. Judge away. I can not worry about what others think of me or say about me. That is no way for a person to live their life. I want to live how I see fit. Not the way the world thinks I should, because someone’s feelings might get hurt. It is ridiculous that society has become full of pussies. Grow a pair of balls and stop being afraid.

How is anyone going to be happy in their own skin, with their own life if they continue to hold back because of someone else’s thoughts about them? Maybe we should feel sorry for those that feel the need to constantly talk bad about other people and walk around like a dull star, because I personally think those are the most miserable people. You know the one’s that want to bring everyone down around them…nope not in my world. I say fuck that shit.

Sure, I have judged people, we all do. But I will not bring someone down because I am bored in life. No, I have decided a while ago to live to my fullest. To shine, to smile everyday no matter what, to be happy, and not to let anyone control my happiness. But these past couple weeks I slipped, fell, hit my head on every surface on the way down to the damp cold numbness that darkness brings. And today I decided to say fuck that shit.

I am going to refocus and make sure this does not happen again. I love life way too fucking much to allow this. I will continue to shine, share my happiness, smile, be strong for my family, and send sparkles everywhere.

Sunshine and sparkles!!

Darkness

****I wrote this poem February 6th, 2006. It is very dark. I wish I could remember exactly what I was going through at the time****

 

I sit with nothing but hatred running through my veins

I’m angered beyond anything I’ve ever felt

I’m a stone with no way to express oneself

I sit here cold with waves of emotion crashing through me like a rip tide.

There is no one I have but myself.

With icy blood flowing I have no warmth for even lust.

Hatred fills my body

Tears splash to my cheeks

Popping pills may take my pain

But won’t heal me.

Waves slam me every which way

I am no longer in control

Warmth touches my skin in a red smooth covering

The blade is cold as it slits through layers of icy skin.

I sit here wondering what has happened

Such beauty gone

With the hatred others have made one feel.