Sleepless nights

I recently had to revisit my past. It wasn’t easy at all. Emotions were brought up that I had forgotten. Thoughts and memories that I had hidden in the back of my mind came rushing back. Sleepless nights. Tossing and turning. Fears. The sounds. Tears would slide down my cheeks as I cried myself silently to sleep. I felt broken all over again.

It took me years to rebuild myself. Fear of dark corners, hotels, pillows and blankets over my face, and people thinking I was lying about my story. There are times when the PTSD still hits out of nowhere and rocks me to the core. Even though it’s been almost 20 years. An emotional roller coaster, one that took everything I wanted, one that I allowed to control me for longer than I should have, but even if it happened now, I would probably be the same emotional mess, just older, stronger, and able to handle it a little different.

But as I was rebuilding myself from a horrible event, I never thought I would face I was facing another battle. Ugh…what in the hell…I felt as though I was living in hell. I kept asking myself what I did to deserve the things I was going through. I repeated over and over again that there is a reason for everything…this seemed to help me get through. Even if I didn’t understand it at the time.

I was a survivor. For some reason I just kept pushing through all the shit, the hell, the pain, and ended up stronger every single time. Still wasn’t sure why.

More hell. Fuck my life. But I will survive. I have time and time again. This was a different kind of hell though. I lost friends. I lost people that I thought cared about me, that I cared about. People lied to my face constantly.

Eye openers were happening all around me, but I was not paying attention. Instead I decided to ignore all the signs that I should have paid attention too and kept telling myself things would change. Of course, they did not change, they got worse.

As things seemed to get worse, I grew stronger, which did not help. I began to become independent and realized my worth. This was great for me, but felt like a threat in my environment. I had to make decisions. Stay strong, grow stronger or go back into my shell and hide everything I felt.

At this point I had some amazing people that helped me stay strong and keep pushing myself to heal and stay positive. And this time I was ready to see to all the red flags. I could see them like neon signs. They were bright, flashing, in my face telling me to pay attention for my own benefit.

I was finally this strong, beautiful, confident woman. I felt unstoppable, but I still had moments of weakness. Who does not have those moments? We all do. We are human. Not a single one of us is perfect. I know some people hide their emotions and think that it is for the best, but I am not the person that can hide. I wear them on the outside. Everyone can see them. I used to hate that, but now I see it as a strength. I am not able to hide anymore. I am called out on my bluff when I do try. This was challenging for me and honestly still is, but it is something I am still working on.

I like that I am able to admit I am not perfect, that I have things I am still working on in life even at the age of 37. I have had to walk on eggshells, I have had to have plans I never thought I would, I have had to pretend I was okay when I was not, I have swallowed more feelings than I care to admit, I have PTSD, and I am still learning to be open and trust easily, but it is difficult to trust and be open for me. I have been open and trusted easily and it hurt me big time. I told myself I will never open up again immediately, that I will slowly open up as I learn to trust the people in my life. I closed doors, closed up, built giant walls. But I am learning how to open up again, to let my walls down. I am doing well, but still not as well as I would like.

As I reflect on my past, I realize I am the way I am for many different reasons. There are things I never thought I would face in life when I was younger, but I faced them, I survived. Because I am a survivor, I have been able to help others, inspire them with my life experiences, and show people that no matter what you go through you can get through it while shining bright.

As a teenager I saw my life going a whole different direction, but it did not. I am not living where I thought I would, I do not have the career I thought I was going to have, I do not have the life I thought I would, but right now, in this current moment I can say I am happy. That even though I would never want to go through the things I have faced again, I am happy that I have, because my experiences have made me who I am, and have allowed me to have things in my life that I did not think I would, and this makes me okay with the pain, the hurt, and the memories.

Fear. It is one of those funny things. It can sometimes hold us back or make us do things we regret. My fear is if I let my walls down any further, I will regret it, because I am afraid of scaring people away. I have been told I will not, but my past tells me otherwise.

I need to stop being afraid of getting hurt and let those that care in. I have let my walls start to fall, as they fall, I am letting more out, but there is still hesitation, and the hesitation is a weakness I hope to overcome soon, because I have no reason to be afraid anymore. I have things I need to work on, which I am, and I am still learning, but life is a continuous lesson. I hope that as I continue to learn throughout my life that I will continue to grow as a person.

I am strong, but still weak. I still have issues. Remember nobody is perfect. We all have things we stare at, but refuse to face. We all have fears that scare us beyond belief, but we hope to get past them one day. We all worry about small things we have no control over. We have all survived some kind of event in our lives that changed us in ways we never thought possible.

It is up to us on whether or not to let these things control us and our life, or whether we take our life into our hands and take control of it. I decided to take control.

I survived the things I have for a reason. I still do not understand the reason for all that I have gone through, but I am finally okay with that. I have realized that the things I do understand I survived them, because I needed to go through them to help others.

Life is what we make it. We have the power. No matter what I go through I continue to stay strong and shine bright. I hope that I can pass that onto my children. I hope that they see me as a role model, someone they can look up too, and know that even when things get tough there is always a reason, one they may not have the answer to immediately, but that they will be okay and that they always have me to help them get through it and to help them stay positive.

Revisiting the past was difficult. I lost nights of sleep, felt weak, but being able to reflect and share has helped me see just how far I have come in life. The tears slid down my cheeks, covered my pillow, as I shook with more emotion than I could handle I was held tight. In this moment I knew I didn’t have to be strong alone. I have an amazing support system. When we go through tough times, feel weak, sometimes we need extra strength. We need to be able to lean on those who care about us most. Never be afraid to lean.

Sunshine and Sparkles.

damn walls

My walls have been massive tall giants for a very long time. At one point I even built a super deep moat around my walls to protect myself. But now I am sitting here, well I am usually standing there, when he looks into my soul, and can see what is floating around in my head or can feel the vibes radiating off my body. He gives me this smirk, because he knows it drives me crazy, but I don’t want him to stop. I like that he isn’t afraid to call me out on all my shit. But my fucking walls…UGH!!!

They have been up for so long that they have these nasty long thorns wrapped around them that they even scare me. I try so hard to break through them and every time I think I am there I hesitate and then BOOM I crash into my own damn wall…like fuck Heather you aren’t blind. You are a strong badass fucking rockstar of a woman. Let them down…this is the word vomit the floats through me as my bullshit radiates off of me and I stand there stuttering like a fucking monkey who doesn’t know what to do with a banana…

Then there’s my BFF’s and my daughters who like to fuck with me and ask if my walls have fallen down yet…listen here ya’ll…let me clear my throat and let the word vomit flow…wait I need to adjust my crown so they can see my devil horns so they know shit is about to get real, because they know I won’t hold back through the word vomit and laughter towards my fucking self…(this is where I am literally hitting myself in the forehead with an open hand)…word vomit…it’s my enemy when I get started, but its also my saving grace for everyone that understands me. “listen Linda, (picture the head bob with sass and me pointing my finger, yes even if am on the phone) I know what I need to do. I know I need to let my mother fucking walls down, but you all know why I have issues with doing so…so my walls are there and they are slowly coming down Heather style, but I have all this shit that I am battling within myself and you peeps just have to deal with it, because they will break and crash down like a tumbling mother fucking backstabbing tsunami bitch when I least expect it and I know that when that happens it’s because it was supposed to happen right then and there…sooo yeah..” Through all of this I am laughing, which is a good thing, because I laugh at myself a lot. If I didn’t laugh at myself the way I do, I would probably be a giant fucking mess of a human.

So, at this point I am full of fucking so much sass it’s not even on the scale of 1-10. Well, on most days my sass probably isn’t, but especially during my word vomit, which let’s get real, happens most days. But on a good note we are all laughing at the word vomit and having a conversation that is probably going in 15 different directions. Seriously, those that can handle me, I give them major props…and I appreciate them more than they know.

Okay okay, so back to my damn walls. Yes, I know those fuckers need to come down, that my moat needs to either be filled up, or used as a lazy river and not a trap that requires a life vest. My walls are not as tall as they once were, the thorns are not as sharp, and the vicious creatures are gone from my waters. I have gotten much better and it’s because I am challenged in ways that I have never been challenged before. I need time to get use to this new way of life. I have always been able to do everything on my own (except decide where to eat…and NOW I HAVE TOO, which I actually kind of like…huge, giant smiles) and I will never apologize for being a badass independent chick, but I need to learn how to not be so independent, if that makes sense.

Learning how to still be a badass mother fucking rockstar and not as independent is a new challenge. One that I am enjoying, but it is a process. So, without allowing myself to lose myself in the process of my walls coming down, the thorns turning into beautiful flowers, and my moat becoming an awesome lazy river I am learning how to breathe again while loving life.

Sunshine and mother fucking sassy sparkles

reflection

When 2020 started I thought it was going to be the longest year ever. January was just tip toeing along like “haha lets drag this out fuckers”. I’m sure it was, because everyone thought 2019 was a crap year. Which I have no clue why. 2019 was a great year for me…but anyways…here we were creeping along and then BOOM! February finally decided to make an appearance. Alright, yes 2020 is finally starting…juuuust kidding….lets go crazy buying all the toilet paper for a respiratory virus…major eye, but I did buy some, just in case I ran out since all these people were freak out shopping like the world was coming to an end. I’ve watched enough Walking Dead, I should be prepared enough, right? Bahahaha…

Everything shut down. Nothing felt normal anymore. I wasn’t even sure what normal was. All of a sudden, I wasn’t just a mom and an essential employee. Overnight I became mom-essential employee-teacher-race car driver-toilet paper hunter. Say goodbye to common core mother fuckers. The speed limit didn’t seem to matter anymore to anyone, so to not get run off the road you learned to drive faster (unless you already did..hehe), and well I don’t think I need to explain why I had to hunt for toilet paper…but if someone posted a store had it and I was still in my pjs, watch out world…

Life slowed down. It changed. There were parts I hated. But I had to remind myself of my sunshine and sparkles. Through the darkness that linger above us I looked for the light. My kids and I made a point to get outdoors more. We found new places to hike and fish. I even got my fishing license…I don’t even like to fish. We went on adventures, grew closer, laughed, made memories, exercised, and just lived a life we wouldn’t normally live if life hadn’t slowed down.

I love pictures. I have so many from this year. Pictures that are serious, goofy, full of life, love, and memories. Reflecting back on this year I see so many different things that so many families, individuals, and friends have gone through and are still going through. Lessons have been learned. I have learned more about myself, children, family, and friends this year than I ever have in past years. There have been all kinds of emotion expressed throughout 2020. I am lucky to have captured the memories I have this year.

As 2020 comes to an end I reflect back on people I have walked away from, people I have grown closer too, people that have entered my life, and people that have become strangers. Some could say 2020 has been a shitty year. Sure, we shut down and life has changed. I certainly will admit I hate the shut down and the masks. But when I think of the good that has come out of this year I smile. Why? Because right now as I write this, I can say I am happy with how my life is. Is there some darkness? Sure. But I have decided to look at the light, the light that makes me feel whole, warm, bright, and smile.

I have prepared for what ever crazy 2021 brings us. I have made sure I have enough paper goods that I can build a padded room with all of it, if I need too…bahaha…But remember I have watched The Walking Dead…I am prepared…wink wink…

she is peachy

She was always normally happy, full of life, or cheerful, but sometimes she had those days or moments when she was upset, sad, angry, and during these times it did not mean she was not happy or her sparkly self, it just meant she was having a bad day or did not feel like herself. She is after all human.

The cut was deeper than expected. Tears began to fall. They filled the wound with a slight sting, which was a reminder of the pain she knew would eventually happen. It was worse than she expected and at that moment she realized she was not as dark and dead inside as she had thought.

Tears continued to fall and dampen her cheeks. She laid there looking at the messages being passed back and forth, not exactly sure how to feel. Upset, torn, hurt, within herself at that moment. This was a conversation she did not want to have through text. It was something she wanted in person. But she was cursed. Everyone could feel her every emotion whether through text, posts, in person, or over the phone. Her emotions, feelings, thoughts are worn like a jacket.

This lost soul felt like this year had been a challenge on so many different levels. January started out great, but it dragged. There was concern that the year was going to take forever, but excitement still filled the air. Then it all just fell apart. She held her head high and remained positive, found the light in everything like she always did. This year did drag, it did take forever, hell it’s still going, but there were many things she learned about herself. Things she even learned about family and friends. New friends were made, who became family. Even with how difficult this year has been she is thankful for it, because without it she would not have grown in the way she did this year. Yes, there still would have been growth within her, but it would have been different. She felt this growth that has taken place within her this year has made her stronger, more vocal, not as afraid to be herself.

Thankful for the friendships created this year, the bonds that have turned friends into family, the true colors that have been brought out in people. The lessons that have been taught. The growth that has happened. The beauty in this dark year. People started to be nice again for a moment, they said hi to strangers, waved, new traditions were created, before it went dark again.

She sat there reflecting on everything. Feeling lost. What just happened? There had been such light and happiness, then darkness loomed above her world. She still shined her light through, but you could feel her sadness, the tenderness of pain radiated off of her, her walls went back up as she closed the door and locked away her feelings, because how else to does one swallow something they cannot understand?

She knew she was difficult to love. She knew she was a handful. She knew what her friendship brought to the table, but she also knew she could not keep feeling the way she felt every time she let someone close to her. She has been let down by so many this year and in previous years.

Lonely. She knows she is not alone, but the feeling is overwhelming. Trust. She was told to never trust a soul. Giving the benefit of the doubt has been a weakness. One she is trying to overcome. When she needed someone there was nobody. Her tears fell in silence, tissues mopped them up, her pillow was her shoulder, and she was her own friend.

Friends, some became family, some have been let go, others taught lessons, and there are some that touched her soul. With each she allowed herself to learn, to become stronger, to grow, and to understand that everyone has a story that makes them who they are.

She battles her own battles like everyone else and is still learning that she is not always strong enough to get through them on her own. One day she will be strong enough to ask for help, a shoulder to lean on, and maybe in time she will understand she is not difficult to love or a handful, but that it is all just a part of her journey.

Check please…

Several months ago, I decided to go to dinner with a guy I had never met. I knew it was probably a bad idea, but I went anyways. I made sure to let a friend know where I was and checked in with her throughout the dinner. I seriously cannot make this shit up, but I am glad I can laugh at the shit that happens in my life.

My gut kept telling me to cancel. There were red flags in the messages leading up to this dinner, but I still said fuck it and went. I was parking my car near the restaurant when I got a message from him saying he was running late. Fine, whatever. I didn’t really want to be there anyways.

I wasn’t even nervous. I just wanted to get this over with. We walked around for a few minutes talking. More red flags. Fuck my life. Why me? Maybe if I tripped and fell flat on my face, I could head home…my luck I’d break something and end up in the ER.

Can we just go eat already…

I normally do not like to sit facing the tv screens, because I think it is rude when someone pays attention to the tv and not the people they are with, but this night I made sure I took the seat facing the tv screens so that I could watch the baseball game throughout dinner. I didn’t even feel bad. At this point I just wanted my food, to eat, and leave.

He sat there across the table from me stuffing his face as he spoke. The food was rolling around in his mouth like a clogged toilet it just kept swirling in the same spot, as he mumbled something along the lines of what a great guy he was. Somebody please help me!!! I could not scream loud enough in my head to drown this guy out. Thankfully with the baseball game on in the background I could easily distract myself from his disgusting chewing. Oh shit?! What did he just ask…ugh. This was the longest dinner ever. “I’m this and I’m that, blah blah blah..” got it dude, you’re Mr. Wonderful every woman’s dream guy. Riiight…except the fact that he legit showed enough red flags in ten minutes flat to send any chick running…stupid ass. And my dumbass was still sitting there…omgoodness, save me!! I think the manager heard my cry for help, because he came and checked on me…

As we sat there, he continued to talk about himself and how great he was at this and at that as I watched the baseball game. I really should have just left, but I didn’t want to be rude. Sometimes I can be a little too nice…

Outside in the fresh air I could breathe. I didn’t have to watch him eat anymore. Thank goodness!!! I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle without losing my shit. But then he decides to tell me I would be lucky to have a man like him, because he is nice, helpful, etc., and not one of those assholes all women go for.

Breathe, just breathe. Stop. Think. Before. Word. Vomit.

Ummm, excuse me? Word vomit happened, really bad word vomit. First of all, nobody tells me who is right or wrong for me, I make my own damn decisions fucker. Second of all, you just spent I don’t even know how long talking about yourself and how great you are in bed…what in the actual fuck…newsflash, I have hands and toys that I can use that will get me off better than your dick ever would, and the hell if I would ever let you near me. And third, just because you say you are nice doesn’t mean jack shit to me, the nice guy is usually the biggest asshole to mankind, because he is trying to prove something to everyone or has something to hide. So, take your nice, helpful you need me attitude and shove it up your ass.

And maybe these ”assholes” are assholes to him, because he’s jealous? Most women I know want someone who treats them with respect, not someone who is going to look down on them, and this guy, well he made it obvious that he looks down on women.

I do not understand why some people think that because you are a single female means you are helpless or that you need someone “nice” in your life. Maybe we are single because we meet people like this douche. Or how about we are just single, because we choose to be?

I can take care of myself. I can please myself. I can buy myself flowers. I can pay my mortgage. I have an amazing job. I have a great family and wonderful friends. If I need help with something, I will ask one of them. The list goes on.

I do not need a red flag toilet swirling douche bag chewer in my life to “help” me, because he thinks women can’t do shit on their own. I got news for you dude I am fucking powerful and I can accomplish most anything I put my mind too. And I will not hesitate to knock you on your ass with my words. Especially once you tell me I need a man, because I am a female.

Guess what?? I did knock him on his ass. Knocked him flat on his ass.

I see a pattern

You know what is ridiculous? People who are too afraid of their own feelings that they either ghost people, ignore a direct question, make up some sorry ass excuse, lie, or do not care who they hurt. Why is it difficult for an adult to be upfront, honest, or open with another adult? Seriously?? When did adults start acting childish? I know we all have our moments, but jeez, at some point you begin to wonder what in the actual fuck? Especially when it seems to be a pattern from several different directions.

We all know the truth hurts, but so does a lie. And newsflash…A LIE HURTS MORE WHEN THE TRUTH COMES OUT. Just saying…so how about growing a pair or pulling up the big girl panties, what ever you fancy and tell the fucking truth?

There is no need to point fingers on who did what or said what. Just own up to what you did and have the supposed “difficult” conversation. Again, people may hate what the truth is, but it is so much better than the lie that eventually unveils the truth. Tears might be shed, but oh fucking well. Guaranteed they will probably be shed with the lie or truth so big whoopy fucking do.

We get a cut, we put a Band-Aid on it, and guess what? It heals!! Oh my goodness!!! So do feelings!!! What a concept. Who would have thought!?! We pull up our big girl panties or grow a pair, maybe eat our favorite comfort food, and get over it.

To ghost someone, lie to them, make an excuse shows a person you never respected them in the first place, are afraid to face whatever challenges that might lie ahead, or that you may not be able to be honest with them at all. Or maybe it shows the lie’s told have been so tangled that one cannot remember what has already been used and what hasn’t. Chicken shit lies or ignoring someone shows true colors and makes a person a fucking dick with karma biting at the heels.

The truth is better than a lie. Everyone gets over things eventually. How do you feel when you are lied to?

Exactly my point…so why do it to someone else…fuckers.